The Force Within

My not so long hibernation have some realizations indeed. I guess I've been dragging myself for too long to work now without purpose.. Just to get by, pay my debts and provide for my family. I looked at the young me before and I realize what really missing in my life now is the driving force to work.. to have passion in what I'm doing. Since all my sisters are now career women, I don't have the obligation anymore to provide and send them to school. I'm not really oblige now to send money to my family, just to help them pay the car we loaned from the bank. But other than that I have all my life. I have tried to go back to my passion of drawing and discovered my ability to paint. It is amazing indeed that my artistic side emerged even if I have taken it for granted for too long. I'm still afraid to step as a real writer since this path has been not easy for me. I have received a lot of criticisms before and I just knew I'm not that good grammarian nor my vocabulary is wide like the real writers we know. Nevertheless if I've been called to serve and a few believe in my talent then let it be. But those are just sidelines. What about my bread and butter? For nineteen years now I've been a Programmer and though I've served as Team Lead before or Business Analyst in a short while, going back to this dirty old job seems like demoting myself. I mean this has help me earn a lot especially when my sisters needed tuition fees or my mom just wanted to travel. But at this stage of my life where everybody is moving along and I'm just minding my own life, isn't it not selfish to dream also that I have some fulfillment? I'm not a lazy person. I'm thankful to realize that finally. The reason I don't want to work lately is because I'm not motivated. Especially now that there are so many restrictions in the office that I felt are not good for us employees. I'm really hoping and praying I can really land to another opportunity wherein I can showcase my skills and really feel the fulfillment of working. I do belong to corporate world but hoping opportunities are still there for me. Otherwise my plan B should work. That is go back to academe and teach the youth. I still wanted to make things better by contributing my listening ear to the public. That's why I wanted to be a Counselor someday. Perhaps part time. Perhaps full time. It depends on the succeeding months. This is mid life crisis.