Realizations

I feel guilty of not praying most of the time like the way I used to do in Singapore.  But I realized yesterday during the mass, the fruits of building relationships with different people. It gave me my personal pride of being able to adjust and be trusted. I still remember the feeling when I was young being invisible in the crowd. It did leads me to depression since I feel unwanted and no voice in the society even in my own family. Nevertheless, my faith has given me hope and pushed me to just go on with life.. still open for others and later I felt I'm now part of the group. I'm no longer an outcast. I feel the gratefulness inside me as I sing hymns during the mass. Indeed faith without action is dead. We should be the channel of God's love to others and surprisingly, what is given is what you also receive..  my love tank is now full.

Hopeful Bride

As far as I can remember I got my first crush during first grade and eventually into a relationship when I was in Sophomore. But this was because the guy was asking over and over again, and I finally gave in since I also have a crush on him since sixth grade. I regret that decision for he was indeed a control freak. I just got drained after several months of giving in to his requests just to let him stop pestering me. And besides he only have good looks but to my dismay didn't have dreams for his own good. I considered it then a puppy love and not a serious one. Anyway, I became serious with my faith during my Senior years and vowed to be a nun someday. Mine got tested for before I finished Secondary I have again another boyfriend whom I also have a crush on. Through the years I was torn if I would pursue what I promised to God or would I consider marriage with this man. Well I did chose the man over the God and that begins my story of depression. Needless to say I did tried to discern if I still can serve God by being a nun. But it was a long discernment that at age forty the convent I've chosen have closed its doors. I really don't want to embrace single blessedness and it is still a tug of war right now. Though I still wanted to try marriage inspite of failed relationships previously, there was no man interested right now. I do have a new crush recently but deep inside I know the feelings cannot be reciprocated. I still pray to God to find Mr. Right immediately because I'm not getting any younger and my egg cells' quality were not as good as before. I still do have my must haves and nice to haves in finding a husband. First is a God fearing man, preferably an active Catholic. Second is a man who is brave enough to accept me for who I am and what will I become. There is nothing to worry for I can readily accept and fight for people I really love. And last is someone who will spend not only time but a little bit of luxury. I never have a chance to experience to be wooed with gifts and  flowers. Perhaps I've been too responsible and too strong in my past relationships that I was always the one who gave more even materially. Well I guess there was nothing wrong to feel special from time to time. I do pray hard that before the year ends it would be an answered prayer already. I'm hoping this time around it is my turn to walk down the aisle.

Please Stop the Stigma

With all the awareness now spreading in social media have encourage me to come out in the open and admit I'm one of those who were diagnosed with mental illness. Its been years that I am suffering from it and been also seeking for acceptance not only from my family but also from friends and even in society. I have  found a new group at work and became at ease with them. I tried to open up to one by one about my secret illness but got disappointed with their response. One with a brother of autism had told me just to change my perception especially at work. I'm really surprised since I thought she would be the most to understand where I am coming from. I often hear that what I needed was just a paradigm shift. Or simply just shake it off or snap out of it. If that could be the case, then it would really be easy to recover and get out from the pit of depression. But it is not. It's beyond description especially when the episode would start. I personally just want to disappear instantly than go through with it again and again. Another what I often hear was that people suffering from depression were selfish people especially those who committed suicide. They even recommended to try helping especially the less fortunate ones and guarantee the joy it would give. My retaliation is this: Do you really know me to judge me quickly that I'm such a selfish person? Do you know my story? Do you know what I went through? I may not be classified as a philatropist or a generous person but I do help especially if I could see I am needed. Even how little the task is. I don't have to enumerate the good works I've done but believe me I still remember the times when these less fortunate would exhort money from me. They will tell they don't have money to go back home to their province  and would ask for a large sum of money or even sell a picture of Sto. Nino with a price of hundred and would not accept a twenty peso bill. One Cenacle Sister told me you cannot give what you don't have. I need to learn first to love myself and fill my love tank before I could give to others. That I think is the reason why I felt drained and even still blaming myself for not being a good person since I failed to help. Stop the stigma please. Recently even Christians/Catholics are blaming the belief of the person suffering from mental illness. They openly preach to anchor deeply to God especially during episodes. My goodness! This is not the time for preaching. What I really wanted to point out is these people needs acceptance first. Mental Illness is not a perception. People needs people. Bring them out to isolation if we wanted to save lives. Stop the stigma. Then perhaps more of us will come up to the open. I even envy the priests who recently murdered for many of my past co-community posted on their fb and asked for prayers. But during the death of spade and bourdain they would criticize them having no meaning in their lives because they don't know God. Please pray for us too. Pray for our minds that it would always be clear and see hope. Then perhaps there won't be anymore suicides.

The Calling

It all started when i saw the post in facebook of one active member in my previous community about why kate spade and bourdain committed suicide. From a point of view of a devout Catholic there is nothing wrong with what she posted. But I cringed when I read it. It said that the two didn't killed by mental illness but because they don't have meaning in their lives since there is no God in them. Really?! I find it judgemental and insensitive coming from an active churchgoer. It took days before I blurted out my views to my close friends and everybody seems agree I'm in the best position to emphatize with those suffering from mental illness and who are we to judge on what really happened to spade and bourdain. Then unexpectedly one close friend commented that it would be helpful for one with mental illness to hang on to God. I went beserk in an instant. My thoughts ballooned and though I should take it as a compliment but I did take it negatively. Perhaps I'm thinking for all those who still don't know God and been suffering from this illness. I even blurted that once upon a time I even gave up on God and until now from time to time been asking Him about my purpose, why I was born. From there I realized why I have not able to attend seminars for pastoral counseling which I dreaded to become one since last year. I'm here for everyone regardless of religion. It would really be a big help knowing you can count on God especially on your dark days or episodes. But believe me hanging on to Him is really difficult if you are in that situation. It needs a miracle and intervention from above which happened to me. But I still believe that non believers and/or atheist should not be judged because of their belief. I have friends who were atheist but more human. What really we can do if we know somebody who is suffering from mental illness is to be there for them. Be present  in their lives. Be their friend. Be quiet just listen to them. Get them out from isolation. Yes I want to be a mental health professioanl that is why I continue my studies and hoping to complete by next year. Glad I found now my calling. It is to be the face of Jesus and to be His hands and feet. I may not preach about the kingdom of God but I am willing to share His love and goodness by being me. Who knows, maybe I can convert after all and bring more people to Jesus.