Rant at Dawn

Its wee in the morning. I still remember I forced myself to sleep in this kind of morning. But now I'm calm if sleep does not come. Yes it is frightening to think in these time. Where you are really alone and it is so quiet. These were the times I thought of ending my life. That nobody really cares. Even my family. But tonight I just recalled vivid memories of my episodes. How I survived each and still kicking now. Its amazing how I was hunted by the image of Jesus in crown of thorns. I'm really afraid at first because of its gruesome image. But later on I acknowledge that He only wanted to tell me I am His beloved. Amazing to learn later on it was the same image appeared to Saint Therese and was called the Holy Face of God. Whew! then I was so ashamed to recall that during my madness I was tempted to think I'm also a god. But I surpassed that temptation and humble enough to acknowledge God above me. I think it was a test and enough grace was given to me to be able to choose His love than to be regarded great by men. Well a certain officemate told me I have the credibility and he wouldn't hesitate to join my religion if I will establish one. I asked him why not be a Catholic. That I was endorsing. And he gave a big laugh and told me he hated the hypocrisy of the Catholic church. He can't imagine me staying in that kind of church. I'm such a good person to him. I'm do glad there were still people who have seen goodness and have faith in me. When I almost would cried I am a worthless being. My mom asked me yesterday if my friends in sg were still keeping in touch. I am ashamed to admit that there were none. Do I really have friends there? I slowly was thinking the community I have there was just accomodating. But they were not friends for keeps. I do remember as always I would be the one to initiate a convo with my current friends. It was frustrating at times that no one remember me. That if I commit suicide perhaps it would took days before they found out. But I just go on and enjoy the convo everytime I had with them. Its okay if I'm the initiator. Perhaps someday that will be my memory for them. My only memory of our friendship.

Going for Upward Spiral

One of the experiences after depression was the low self esteem. Many times I would need affirmation from others that what I'm doing and even thinking is correct. It took many years before I totally let go and was able to trust myself especially my decisions. Only to realize I'm indeed a perfectionist or perhaps have been traumatized by the feeling I was always wrong in my existence. My eagerness to learn and openness to accept my fault too has led me to where I am now. There were still times I felt anxiety, loneliness and wanting to just vanish. But I kept in my heart all the lesson I learned from this journey. I don't equate my worth with my status especially at work. I am special in the eyes of God and it makes me feel happy to claim I am His child. My distorted view that I have to earn heaven has been replaced by accepting His everlasting love. My faith in Him has been strengthened and I believe He had saved me in many circumstances that I almost gave up. Many judged me and been called weak but I later accepted that they were just mere opinions. What matter was I now have established a relationship with God and also believed that He was indeed there even if others would just called it delusions or even hallucination. His grace is enough to let me understand fully about Him and about myself too. Though it has been a constant struggle to move on especially when trials come. But I tell myself to remember how He let me feel as a beloved in every extraordinary experiences I had where He manifested His greatness. I maybe crazy but I'm okay to be called a fool because He have saved me from the pit of depression. This journey is not yet over and I know I have to hang on and keep in my heart all the lessons learned. I don't take it personally if there were friends who attack the Catholic faith. I then understand that perhaps they have experiences that triggered their anger and bitterness. What I can only offer is my friendship regardless of our differences. Then perhaps this world would be kinder especially to someone like me.