Letter to my Sisters

To my beloved sisters,

I know a lot is going on and it seems I am far away from you. Well I hope you notice though. I decided to live my own life and stop expecting to let me in to yours. I've learned it hard to count more on my friends and their belief that I'm the best. I tried us to get closer like we were young. But I guess time has passed quickly and we grew apart. I am still proud for what you have become right now. I am always proud to be part of that stage when you were starting to reach for your dreams. Although it is not my obligation to help you on your education. I did it becaouse I love you. Its now time to spread your wings and fly. Please do not get jealous of the orphans I've been helping right now. You just shown me that I can always do better. And like you I want them to succeed.. to give them hope. They do not have families. While we are always family. Wag nyo ko ipagdamot dahil I find joy in giving a part of me to those in need. By being the hands and feet of Jesus.. or even His face to the world.

The Encounter

Here is the message I sent to a friend. She is deeply too into her faith and attending teachings to learn more. She made me realize a lot of things and I want to keep a record of this particular realization.

good mawnin! naalala kita agad when i remembered i have heard a good mass yesterday. alam mo may times you let me feel there is something wrong with my faith. or maybe it is depression talking. anyway i keep on thinking the story i told abt that encounter during consecration sa mass where i felt drawn to god and since then i love going to the eucharist. you've been asking questions like it is just a ritual wala naman special. and may times i felt maybe at highschool i am already hallucinating kung gnun. but last night, as i saw the bread lifting up i knew it is jesus who appeared to me a long time ago. because if he didnt i am now lost. i wont survive depression since he is the only person ive been holding on to especially when im alone. maybe for some ritual lng talaga ang mass. but for also for some it is an encounter with the lord. i cannot specifically describe our connection (me and jesus) but i felt that he kept me an eye on me since i was a kid because the trials ive been going through later on is unimaginable. even my family i cannot count on. the demon is everywhere. inside my head, i can see him, i can see also on bad ppl. dont feel bad. im glad you asked because it given me second thoughts and the lord revealed himself again and again that i dont have to doubt. we have a bond in silence and just gazing on the cross i know im so sure he is always there and make things right. 😄

The Social Worker

My internship in social work is about to end.  I have been answering questions like why I'm shifting to this career from IT. Well before, I felt tied up with IT that I want to get out with that kind of job.  Perhaps because of responsibilities in the family that felt burdened. It was not my chosen course but I did it because I wanted to help my family. And I did. I sent my sisters to exclusive schools and somehow gave my family a comfortable life. I don't know why something inside me was not contented. But then I did realized I don't know what to do either. It was years later while in Singapore and embrace the headship in Singles for Christ that I realized I have listening ears. I was so excited that I found my purpose. And that is to help others by being their counselor. Since I am working full time, it would be hard if I go to campus everyday. So as I search for schools I found UPOU. And the rest is history. What funny thing is, I realized I could do more by being a social worker. I enjoyed my exposure now with Samaritan's Purse and hopeful for a fruitful experience next semester with another agency. Even before I have chosen to become a social worker, I have this yearnings to have my own foundation - particularly for the poor and with mental illness. I know it is still far fetched since it needed a lot of hardwork to establish one and to have constant sponsors. I did start small and long time ago, I initiated  to have outreach with abused women and out of school youth with the help of my Maybank friends. Now, I'm starting small again by Project Prudence. I named it after my favorite character in Charmed tv show back in the nineties. When I had episodes, I recalled most people close to me were blaming my fondness with this character and it hurt me so much. I felt lost knowing I cannot be myself or something was wrong with me, and that was the reason I was ill. Hating myself more was the result of it. But after years of recovery, I learned to fight and love myself too. And as I launch myself as a full-pledged social worker and so I named my baby project Prudence, with the help of trusted friends. A reminder of who I was and who I become. I did search the meaning of this virtue and as google says it is the mother of all virtues. It means having good judgement, being shrewd and being cautious. After all, there is something good about my past. For I can still make  good memories out of it and be the woman I always wanted to be. I've been told that starting as a social worker now is late since I'm in my forties and it would be somehow difficult for me to get employed. I realize now I don't need to get employed where I can be the founder. Yes this is my ministry. Not deliverance, not charismatic, not establishing a new lay community. But initiating a care group for the poor, and for all who needed extra love.