Keeping Up

My mental health has improved since May. Although there were ups and downs especially at work. The tension in our home is somewhat subsides. I chose my own battle now and learned to treat my family as grown ups. Perhaps I have the tendency to be bossy to be wanted to be followed.

I learned to hate my big boss at work. It was a trying times to please him all these two years of my stay at the company. I have lost my sense of worth and felt I don't have dignity when he started to talk. What I'm grateful though is to learn I can do beyond my limit and push myself further even unrecognized. I have built relationships with my colleagues and learned to forgive. I still don't know if I can hang on. I don't want to think I can no longer treat myself human since I'm letting my boss not treat me as one. 

I still have financial constraint. I only have enough though I wish to go back in time and manage well my finances. I have to cut back my medicines though I'm somewhat fine. I don't know what to tell to my therapist if she learned I lowered my dose without her permission. What is the used of getting therapy and consultation if I won't follow her directions. 

I still yearn for companionship. Although there were friends I can talk to right now through messengers, I still prefer there were physical contact. I don't have a community right now but I'm happy with my spiritual life. I think God has won my heart. It was a constant struggle since there were thoughts I have to prove some points that means sacrificing my time for Him. But what matter is at the end of the day I still go back to Him and I'm still loved.

I wanted to complete a new book and get published. I want to have a decent one. A better one. Hoping I could make a good one and have financial capabilities if I don't get published traditionally. I have lots in my mind to finish. I want to complete my Masters but have to pass first the comprehensive exams. I wish to go on to PhD but I don't think I'm capable of exams and defending my research work. I wanted only to be certified and be recognized. That I can be proud of I have accomplished something in academe. I really wanted to dance and sing too.. and also paint. Lots of things I wanted to do. So little time. I am always tired. I wish I can do them and I wish I have the money not to worry about. In God's time I know I will.

Purpose

Today I decided to forgive. I can see how my parents continue to suffer because I decided to turned a blind eye since they allowed all these things to happen. I don't want to save them this time. But beyond disagreement, I decided to help. I will dedicate my life to them upto their last breath. My only way of giving back. I thought I just told myself it is enough what I did for them. But I guess my sense of purpose I had lost ever since I decided to turned my back on them. For me my siblings are all grown up and should stand on their own two feet. But if this is what my parents wanted then so be it. If it would make them happy to support all the way their children and not complaining.. eventhough I'm the only one who listened. Perhaps this is the reason why I am still single and high earning. I guess helping my family is much fulfilling than helping others in need.

Triggers

I know something is not right. I don't want to alarm people but I think I am not well again. All I know is that religion is my best trigger. I tried to live because I don't have a choice. But I always got bumped off by people who didn't care and just firmly give their two cents. There are those even our priests who believed we depressed people are weak in faith. Well we wouldn't get this illness if we have faith and trust God according to them. I want them to try living and filling our shoes and say that again. It was the grace of God that keeping me alive. Second I have enough of indifference of my family. Not only to me but on hearing mass. I know we have freewill but I do have these thoughts what if I just commit suicide then perhaps they will go to church everyday to save my soul. Or even the priest would do that? Or even the other Christians who just keep on condemning Catholics? Well I have this thought too that perhaps it is only me and God in the end. Its so cruel to live in this world. Even if I do well in my task my boss would only regard it as part of my job and not given credit. Or even friends I know I still don't have. There are few I know are tired listening to me. I guess I will be forever alone. And hopeful I would not end to the casket because I did something horrible.

Starting the New Year Right

I've never been happy because of the holidays. I think celebrating is needed even if I have to spend money on it. Most of the time, because my parents are also aging we slept over the celebration. And that is what we did last christmas and I felt terrible. Now I felt alive. I know my parents too were happy to experience a new thing. We spent our new year's eve via countdown at Richmonde Hotel Ortigas. Although I left my bear there but I know I will see him again soon. My bonus for the day is serving the Lord by reading the Second Reading earlier at the Eucharist. Although dad did not joined us during the mass. I'm looking forward what this year of 2019 will unfold for me and my family. May the Lord continue to bless us and be with us through out the year.