I know something is not right. I don't want to alarm people but I think I am not well again. All I know is that religion is my best trigger. I tried to live because I don't have a choice. But I always got bumped off by people who didn't care and just firmly give their two cents. There are those even our priests who believed we depressed people are weak in faith. Well we wouldn't get this illness if we have faith and trust God according to them. I want them to try living and filling our shoes and say that again. It was the grace of God that keeping me alive. Second I have enough of indifference of my family. Not only to me but on hearing mass. I know we have freewill but I do have these thoughts what if I just commit suicide then perhaps they will go to church everyday to save my soul. Or even the priest would do that? Or even the other Christians who just keep on condemning Catholics? Well I have this thought too that perhaps it is only me and God in the end. Its so cruel to live in this world. Even if I do well in my task my boss would only regard it as part of my job and not given credit. Or even friends I know I still don't have. There are few I know are tired listening to me. I guess I will be forever alone. And hopeful I would not end to the casket because I did something horrible.
