My mental health has improved since May. Although there were ups and downs especially at work. The tension in our home is somewhat subsides. I chose my own battle now and learned to treat my family as grown ups. Perhaps I have the tendency to be bossy to be wanted to be followed.
I learned to hate my big boss at work. It was a trying times to please him all these two years of my stay at the company. I have lost my sense of worth and felt I don't have dignity when he started to talk. What I'm grateful though is to learn I can do beyond my limit and push myself further even unrecognized. I have built relationships with my colleagues and learned to forgive. I still don't know if I can hang on. I don't want to think I can no longer treat myself human since I'm letting my boss not treat me as one.
I still have financial constraint. I only have enough though I wish to go back in time and manage well my finances. I have to cut back my medicines though I'm somewhat fine. I don't know what to tell to my therapist if she learned I lowered my dose without her permission. What is the used of getting therapy and consultation if I won't follow her directions.
I still yearn for companionship. Although there were friends I can talk to right now through messengers, I still prefer there were physical contact. I don't have a community right now but I'm happy with my spiritual life. I think God has won my heart. It was a constant struggle since there were thoughts I have to prove some points that means sacrificing my time for Him. But what matter is at the end of the day I still go back to Him and I'm still loved.
I wanted to complete a new book and get published. I want to have a decent one. A better one. Hoping I could make a good one and have financial capabilities if I don't get published traditionally. I have lots in my mind to finish. I want to complete my Masters but have to pass first the comprehensive exams. I wish to go on to PhD but I don't think I'm capable of exams and defending my research work. I wanted only to be certified and be recognized. That I can be proud of I have accomplished something in academe. I really wanted to dance and sing too.. and also paint. Lots of things I wanted to do. So little time. I am always tired. I wish I can do them and I wish I have the money not to worry about. In God's time I know I will.
