The last weekend has been hard for me. Simply because my bff Anne B. has left for good though I'm grateful in the technology that up to this moment I am able to talk to her through skype. I just felt that I'm losing again the only person who told me she can understand me no matter what. Second there was a mishap happened in our whatsapp group with my previous upper household. I just felt out of place when our household head posted a photo where I was not included and didn't even noticed by any in the group and they just continue to chat on and reminisce the days. Perhaps past hurts have immersed where I really felt my household head didn't treated me as her friend but just part of her mission. She didn't even let me into her inner circle and I felt I'm always crying for her attention. Even before she left to get married, I just let it passed without really putting the details of my disappointments to her. I just thought she saved me from that abyss of depression when I thought I am not part of the community. I hang to her word to give it a chance and never ever thought of leaving. I felt betrayed that I didn't receive any kamusta from her ever since. I was never part of her life and I felt I'm really not important. Same feelings with my partner then where I already pour out my rants to her and at the end of the day I just felt stupid because as if I'm just talking to the wall. She was there for me because we were partners in running a household. And after that then I'm forgotten. I left the whatsapp group with an alibi that my handphone keeps on hanging and needed to remove some groups. I just felt that its time to remove people in my life who just keep on hurting me. It is better to hold on to just few who knew my worth. I know in time that would will get healed too and I will able to face them again.
It was also hard for me since I was on the edge of not accepting the new household. I felt that I will be a burden to my to be household head. I got the feeling that my advancement on faith made it difficult for my household head before to keep up and be able to be my guide. How can you simply guide a person who is more knowledgeable than you. And most of all who is crazy on Jesus. My soon to be household head had openly declare that she has so many hang ups and even imperfect in embracing the Sacraments. I think we will have an issue there if she would know how I love them and been regular receiving them. Perhaps her own issues will be answered if she will walk with me. I have spent many minutes in the Adoration Room just resting in the presence of God. So many things have been happening and I just want to pursue what I planned. Yes I want to try a different mission. Over the years I felt I don't belong to the evangelisation mission of SFC. Simply because it is not my mission to convert people especially to people with other religion. I have a different belief on that. In some way serving in this ministry is hypocrisy. Its clashing on my ideals that my way of evangelising is not by converting others faith but by simply letting them feel the love of God. And I want to take actions. I am not just a bystander who just sponsor child education in the background or donate when there is in need. I want to dirty my hands even how small the task is. I want to serve God during the Holy Eucharist too. I want to love Him more and more. Although I have physical handicapped but in His grace I was able to do these little task and survive each day. I just pray that all these plans will become a reality soon and that I can glorify Him in my own little ways.
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