Embracing The Change

It has been sometime now that I have stayed in Manila and embraced a new life.  I have already settled in Taguig and been in roller coaster of emotions. Still having paranoia from time to time but I experienced a different kind of joy that I felt I could easily bounce back from depression. I'm glad my family is still complete and we're in pink of good health. I couldn't ask for more except a family of my own. I have closed finally the door to religious life and accept the fact that I'm for secular world, a living testimony of Christ's love to ordinary people in the workplace and the face of struggling Christian adult. I have turned my back on my anguish and thoughts that God does not love me for giving me depression and still being single at 41. I feel blessed that I'm now financially stable compare to last year where I'm in woe and at peak of losing my mind because of financial struggles. Hoping too that I can fix my life by end of this year and be able to really find the direction I'm looking for. I'm planning to leave the corporate world but not too soon. Still wanted to try psychology as profession and writing on the sidelines. I don't want to be bounded by office hours and expectations from the bosses, bounded by rules and office policies. I just wanted to be free. To be free with my own time and still earn for a living. I need patience to make this a reality. I need skills to be the best medical mental practitioner in town. I'm hoping too that it's not too late to become a mother. Who wanted not to bear a child of its own. Nevertheless still need to find a spouse not only have same faith but also responsible human being. Its nice to have that he is belong to a certain community but it is not a requirement. A good Catholic person is enough to start with. Just be able to accept me and love me for who I am is my basis of starting with any guy. Sparks or no sparks. Anyway love is a decision. I'm in midway in life and hoping to live in fullness not only on my purpose of helping mankind but also to be a fulfilled woman, as a mother and as a wife..

The Eyes of True Love

More than two months of going back home made me realize things that I'm happy to learn at this early stage. I always whined how my family is lukewarm in terms of religiosity. That I think I'm different from them since I have encounter God in special way and I could say have personal relationship with Him. Little did I know I'm now judging them instead of loving them. We are called to understand people no matter how different it may seems in our belief. And that starts another journey of my faith. To see them in a new eyes, to love them unconditionally and to pray that one day they will also established a personal relationship with God without trial that would lead to their conversion. I heard of stories of conversion how they will undergo such deep trial and be able to realize how important really God in their life. I don't want them to experience any hardship. Though I also don't want to nag them of what lacking in their faith. Only time can tell that they will also experience Christ in the Eucharist and not just a mere Sunday obligation. Or just like my siblings would burn their heart on fire and attend Holy Mass as well as Penance just like we were young students. All I can remember my heart burns for desire to know this God when I was called to hear mass every morning on my senior year in high school. I'm so much in love with the Eucharist and amaze on the consecration part. Little did I know what it truly meant and I am blessed to truly learn the meaning of the Eucharist especially the miracle happening during consecration. I'm glad God touches me and open my heart in a special way that I am able to praise and worship Him until now and freely love Him back. I don't belittle now the power of prayer but also know I can do faith in action also and will make a difference. Only through His grace we will really receive eternal life.

Change of Heart

I attended the first session of the Renewal of the Holy Spirit in our parish and it reminded me again how I am blessed as a child of God and that I am His Champion. My own uniqueness is enough to share the love He shown and to have the purpose of living this life to the fullest. I remember writing two books about the anxiety I once have because of searching for the purpose of life and finding the love of God made a difference in my perceptions on things. But what struck me most last night was and was also timely because I'm now jobless.. to surrender to God for my life direction. It seems hard to really trust in the Lord at this moment. That's why with all my effort I tried to look for work and even disappointed when I cannot get one. I have the tendency to give up and plan even to go back to my home country and settle there. As I ponder, these would only mean two things. To stay here for a few years more and continue what I've been doing as my service to God and my household or to go back and start anew, leaving my comfort zone and try what I could really be useful in God's community. Indeed my 2017 started with a loud bang, shaking my once quiet world and full of surprises. I was in tears though last night for I heard Father Terrence told everyone there is somebody who is now healed from anxiety and I claimed it is me. I'm not agitated anymore or paranoid of what I don't know of. I seems have focus and aware of my situation now even though it is tough times. I'm not panicking that I don't still have work and February is coming quick! Somehow I have hopes that God would not forsaken me and would be my provider. He will surely take care of me. What I hoping for is to truly answer to His call and really live this life in full.

Happiness

I watched Moana online yesterday and I really like the movie, the message it conveys. Know who you are, know your roots, your heart.. the path to true happiness. In the recent years I vowed to live this life to the fullest but don't know how to do it. All I know was to work hard for my love ones and I forgot enjoying life. I stumbled into depression and lose my own identity. And after several years, it's quite amazing to know what I really wanted and knowing fully myself. I love diversity, I love music, I love simple things in life. I see things differently and have my own opinion too. I have my own voice now and seems I'm not invisible to the crowd anymore. I learn that to live to the fullest is to truly know who you are, know what you want, be happy and never step on someone. Sometimes a simple ice cream would make my day or even just a laugh over a silly joke. I never thought I would be in love again with life. I thought that the sky is always gray and shadows hunting me. But I saw now the rainbow after the rain and happy to see the spring of life.

New Chapter 2017

It is my second friday not to have work and my first weekend without pay. I felt a total failure this afternoon since I've lose a job and cannot find new immediately. I realized in my group of friends I am the only one who is not stable at work and seems struggling. I felt weak and ashamed. What have I done with the past years? But at this dawn, I realized I got freedom now. I'm no longer bounded by the routine of office work, paying bills, sending money back to my family, running errands for anybody. This is definitely a chance to make things new. I could change my life in just one big decision, that is moving out and paying all my bills in just a snap and start a new life.. even a different career. Wow! I never thought that this is an opportunity for me to have a leap of faith and change my fate altogether. Nevertheless on the practical side it is still best to save my fund for my retirement than use it now to pay  for my loans. So I'm giving another week for me to find new work before finally set my mind that I need a big change in my life NOW. Funny that I'm not depress or anxious about my situation. I realized too that my life before is not that bad. I just need to breathe. I've been stressing myself with the dos and donts of the world, what should I do to make myself a successful woman, what to makes me happy. But really what makes me happy? Is just to be me. Just to see the sun shine and sun set. Smell the flowers, hear the birds sings, let the children play.. At last I just have to appreciate life and stop comparing my odd self to every one. I may not be the luckiest girl in the entire galaxy but I am the happiest daughter of God. I have all the answers in my heart that every possible questions I could think of. I've been insane for thinking difficult questions about life and asking so many things on how to live a life. Only to find out that it is only God I needed. I trust you my Lord. Let me embrace the next chapter of my life. As it unfold starting tomorrow, let me put my best smile and embrace you tightly.