Change of Heart

I attended the first session of the Renewal of the Holy Spirit in our parish and it reminded me again how I am blessed as a child of God and that I am His Champion. My own uniqueness is enough to share the love He shown and to have the purpose of living this life to the fullest. I remember writing two books about the anxiety I once have because of searching for the purpose of life and finding the love of God made a difference in my perceptions on things. But what struck me most last night was and was also timely because I'm now jobless.. to surrender to God for my life direction. It seems hard to really trust in the Lord at this moment. That's why with all my effort I tried to look for work and even disappointed when I cannot get one. I have the tendency to give up and plan even to go back to my home country and settle there. As I ponder, these would only mean two things. To stay here for a few years more and continue what I've been doing as my service to God and my household or to go back and start anew, leaving my comfort zone and try what I could really be useful in God's community. Indeed my 2017 started with a loud bang, shaking my once quiet world and full of surprises. I was in tears though last night for I heard Father Terrence told everyone there is somebody who is now healed from anxiety and I claimed it is me. I'm not agitated anymore or paranoid of what I don't know of. I seems have focus and aware of my situation now even though it is tough times. I'm not panicking that I don't still have work and February is coming quick! Somehow I have hopes that God would not forsaken me and would be my provider. He will surely take care of me. What I hoping for is to truly answer to His call and really live this life in full.

Happiness

I watched Moana online yesterday and I really like the movie, the message it conveys. Know who you are, know your roots, your heart.. the path to true happiness. In the recent years I vowed to live this life to the fullest but don't know how to do it. All I know was to work hard for my love ones and I forgot enjoying life. I stumbled into depression and lose my own identity. And after several years, it's quite amazing to know what I really wanted and knowing fully myself. I love diversity, I love music, I love simple things in life. I see things differently and have my own opinion too. I have my own voice now and seems I'm not invisible to the crowd anymore. I learn that to live to the fullest is to truly know who you are, know what you want, be happy and never step on someone. Sometimes a simple ice cream would make my day or even just a laugh over a silly joke. I never thought I would be in love again with life. I thought that the sky is always gray and shadows hunting me. But I saw now the rainbow after the rain and happy to see the spring of life.

New Chapter 2017

It is my second friday not to have work and my first weekend without pay. I felt a total failure this afternoon since I've lose a job and cannot find new immediately. I realized in my group of friends I am the only one who is not stable at work and seems struggling. I felt weak and ashamed. What have I done with the past years? But at this dawn, I realized I got freedom now. I'm no longer bounded by the routine of office work, paying bills, sending money back to my family, running errands for anybody. This is definitely a chance to make things new. I could change my life in just one big decision, that is moving out and paying all my bills in just a snap and start a new life.. even a different career. Wow! I never thought that this is an opportunity for me to have a leap of faith and change my fate altogether. Nevertheless on the practical side it is still best to save my fund for my retirement than use it now to pay  for my loans. So I'm giving another week for me to find new work before finally set my mind that I need a big change in my life NOW. Funny that I'm not depress or anxious about my situation. I realized too that my life before is not that bad. I just need to breathe. I've been stressing myself with the dos and donts of the world, what should I do to make myself a successful woman, what to makes me happy. But really what makes me happy? Is just to be me. Just to see the sun shine and sun set. Smell the flowers, hear the birds sings, let the children play.. At last I just have to appreciate life and stop comparing my odd self to every one. I may not be the luckiest girl in the entire galaxy but I am the happiest daughter of God. I have all the answers in my heart that every possible questions I could think of. I've been insane for thinking difficult questions about life and asking so many things on how to live a life. Only to find out that it is only God I needed. I trust you my Lord. Let me embrace the next chapter of my life. As it unfold starting tomorrow, let me put my best smile and embrace you tightly.