The Sensitive

 I was troubled again last night and early this morning still not feeling well. I am grateful for Fr. Jeff Quintela for I learned so much regarding the Catholic faith and on exorcism. But it also ignited the past issue of what I really have. I have trouble identifying my experiences since I have my own biases. I desired to have discernment of the spirits since the baptism in my Greenbelt community where I also received the gift of tongues. At first, I was troubled with the gift of prophecy since I also have gut feel on events and even blame myself for some unfortunate events. But later on after attending charism seminar in Singapore, I was able to understand that gift. The visions I usually have during prayer is my gift of prophecy. I even so overwhelmed during the session because the person whom I speak with cried of my message. I still remember I have dismissed the idea of involving with the occult because I knew then I am not doing anything against God. Although I must admit that my sinful lifestyle has been my first opening and so I was diagnosed with mental illness. I'm grateful with Fr. Jeff since he regarded mental illness as an oppression rather than lack of faith as some priest would claimed. My exposure with different friends in Singapore has led me to believe on third eye, mediums, lucky charms and fortune telling. I have been close with one of my officemate and revealed she has third eye. And hearing her experiences which I could relate to, I conclude then that I also have one. I also have another friend who invited me to palmistry which ignites also the curiosity within me about my future. I then also consult fortune tellers through internet. I became anxious about my future and would like to know the outcome. I also been hearing, smelling, seeing and feeling extra ordinary which most of the times gave me goosebumps. I am confused though if these were mere hallucinations. But deep within me I don't want to give in with the idea that I am only sick. I knew I am sane, can work, can function, can be talked to. I consulted different professionals with my conditions and even accepted my fate and forgot the labels of diagnosis. I still remember out of anxiousness, I asked my friend if she could ask the employer of her mom which is a medium if what I really have. I felt the fear reading the message though disappointed because seems I was disowned. I even joke around that Satan will not be glad that I am in hell since I am prayerful and even with my rosary. I was told I don't have the ability or the gift but indeed there were times the sightings were real and sometimes there were just mere imaginations. My heart sank. I don't have a third eye. And I then read some books of Fr. Jocis Syquia, a Manila Exorcist which let me understand some basic Catholic teachings. I then throw good luck charms. Though I still have the heart for the mediums since my friend told me they were raised by their mom while working there and she often told me that she knew how good the person was. I also knew my officemate who claimed she have third eye so I cannot judge them too quickly. I maybe soft for wrong reasons. And now by bringing up the topic again on the third eye makes me anxious on what I have. Recently I saw some extra ordinary in our home and in the hotel where we spent for the wedding of my sister. I felt frustrated since I cannot claim I have the gift of discernment of the spirits. I then renounce whatever power I have and ask for protection from Mama Mary. But still I'm anxious because deep within me I don't know what I have. I then open my YT and able to watch about Obsession and Oppression. There I fully understand what I have. There I also remembered what I've been told before which I didn't fully accepted.  Third Eye is working 24/7 which in my case is not. I seldom have sightings. And mostly if I am new in the place. Second discernment of the spirits works during prayer assembly for the edification of the church. I am not active in any community yet there were times I have extra ordinary experiences. Which brought me to Obsession. I tried to remember recent events that can be the opening why I again experience such. First was my anxiousness on having money since I have big debts too so I resort to lucky stones. Later on I realize this is a mistake so I blessed the jade I used and promise to be an accessory only from this time on. I also grew fondness on the 90s show Charmed which I wanted to have a tattoo or engraved in my jewelry a triquetra symbol. I also tried to justify it is a trinity symbol too but now I can admit that I like that symbol because of the show. I may still like fantasy show or read books about witches or other magical creatures but I remind myself only for entertainment. I draw the line that I should not be too much fan that could serve as an opening for me to get harassed. The last event I remember was the superstitious belief I agreed upon because of my sister's wedding. I really didn't know the Catholic teachings regarding that and listening to Fr. Jeff help me realized my mistakes. I then asked for forgiveness for all these things and renounce whatever power I have again. Since I don't know the schedule of confession, I asked forgiveness directly to God. I do hope this pandemic would end soon so I can go to church. I hope I could obtain the mercy of God. Then I remembered my spiritual director in Singapore who told me I am only sensitive to the spirits. I then conclude that people like me should always be in the state of grace for we are easily attack. I felt a little bad though since why only selected people like me should be following such strict rule. But only to realize that isn't it this is the commandment for everyone. I guess I am indeed blessed and special because my closeness with the Lord brought me to my sanctification and even how weird my sufferings were, I felt I am favored too.   

Pandemic and Me

 More than a year living in the pandemic made me realize how blessed I am and grateful for all the answered prayers especially for the protection. I had learned to accept during these time my parents and siblings, our differences and that there are things that I cannot changed. Life has been livable ever since.

I was diagnosed last 2002 with psychosis then 2004 with major depression. Now I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Dropping all the labels, I am grateful I have lived this path. Religion has been my trigger but it let me realized how thirst I am to know about God. At 26 I know I loved this God but deep in my heart I knew too that I failed Him many times. What great to know is that no matter what, I am loved by Him. At 30 I struggled to know myself. Hand in hand I learned about God and I also discovered about myself. It seems I almost liked all and I can do all. Yes I am multi-talented. But what really surprised me is that I was given a choice which I seldom used. Now life has been so beautiful. I am His Child and His Beloved. I guess the last strand would be accepting the people around me and it is hard to change a person. Change is the only permanent in this world and it is up to the person if s/he wants a change. All I can do is for myself. I gained a lot of wisdom in these journey so I guess I wouldn't regret being diagnosed with mental illness because this paves the way for me to get out of my shell. I felt liberated and gain confidence now. I can speak, I can ask and I can just be myself. 

Pandemic is another event I cannot easily forget. Before this happened, I wished that everybody could just work from home due to tiresome going to office everyday. I know it is an impossible request. And guess when Pandemic happened last 2020 it gave me a big surprised. I have to shake myself that all were coincidence and I didn't mean all those deaths. I am grateful God has given me intelligence because I wouldn't surpass the ordeal of all coincidence happened in  my life. I've been a good analyst! Well its been my job through the years. What good brought about this event is that I have the confidence to join Youtube. Who knows, I can be famous too.