Year ender 2016

Many things had happened this 2016. Some are good and some are not so bad. There were many big realizations I also learned and the most important lesson is to not to take for granted the blessings God has given to me. I've been ungrateful and wishing that things must be better, envious of everyone else. Not thinking that my life has been blessed too with so much love and favors from the above. I don't have the title at work nor at the society. I'm not the healthy buff nor recognize as prominent person. I don't have wealth and even a family of my own. But I do learn to love myself and my God even more. This is the most blessed gift I have received. And so with so many trials ahead, I only have to rely on myself and be the best that I can be, praying to Almighty God that with His help I will surpass these and be able to succeed. Who can really say life is fair. We just keep on fighting and moving on. At the end of the day we can only say we succeed if we found the everlasting happiness and that is when we really found love.

Second Chances

Today is the last day I prayed to have a new job offer. Today is my deadline for new work. Today is simply another day for me to accept defeat. Am I bound to leave merlion's city? And need to go back to the pearl of the orient sea? I heaved a big sigh.. A time for surrender. Mostly those with job openings now are those that banned me and would not give me second chance. I know it is my fault and I'm truly sorry for my negligence. I promise to work harder given another chance. But I'm losing time. I don't have enough buffer to be a bum. I need a new work really soon. I know deep in my heart I'm one of the best analyst around. I'm kind, passionate and responsible. Though I can have an attitude at times. But that makes me human. I just don't get it that while others who really answered back to big bosses were given second chance while me who only wanted a better life, a better pay (that is always the reason of moving out) yet I cannot go back. It is a sad world to have a permanent residence yet I don't have means to earn a living. I simply cannot survive this expensive city. I want to stay for few more years to clear my debts, to fully recover from depression, to fully have my confidence back and to have my dignity back. I prayed hard that for nth chance I will be given another chance. It is only the christmas present I wanted. I know and regret a lot for all the chances I have before and now I'm losing my magic. Nobody wanted my services anymore. I don't think it is because of holiday rush that everybody is busy because here christmas day is just an ordinary day and everybody is busy body and focus on work. For the remaining days of 2016, it is a hard lesson for me not to take for granted all the blessings and to be punctual and more diligent. Hoping for the best. Hoping for second chance. 

Emmanuel

This year end is another tough days for me. I'm losing again my contract job and need to look for one to be able to stay here in the city. Life is not easy especially if living in one of the most expensive city in the world. But here I found life. I enjoyed my independence and freedom here and would love to stay here for awhile. Just a little bit more. I know I will be home soon with my family but let me enjoy this moment of solitude and discovering myself more. I have deepened my faith here and not really depending on others' time just to come to church or any teachings. I came with my decision and effort. Just like yesterday is the concluding and last day of the Book of Revelation class in our parish. I felt awesome for learning new things and fall in love more with Jesus Christ. I felt ashamed that before I thought that the idea that Christmas is nothing without Easter is true but as Father Terrence explained God choosing to be with us as Incarnated Man is enough. He is with us always and that is enough for our salvation. But He is so magnificent that even prove His enormous love by laying His life on us.. yes dying on the cross and proven again as He conquered death at Resurrection. I see now Christmas differently. He is my Emmanuel.

My Life Begins with Healing

I celebrated my 40th birthday last month and it was a blast! I chose it to be with my relatives. It was expensive though because I celebrated with them in a buffet restaurant but I cannot contain the happiness that time and its worth it. Aside from that I received the best gift that day. I also went to my shrink that day and was advised that I really didn't need the anti-psychotic medicine since I've been healed for several years now. What keeping her from giving me that medicine is my dependability with the drug. I didn't know how to react but continue to listened. She further told me that the additional medicine for anti-depressant may last until a year which is the only drug I need at this moment. As I ponder on my way home, I'm surprise that all these years I tormented myself as lunatic and asked for healing and finally here it is! I still got difficulty sleeping when I went back to my real world but maybe perhaps of stomach flu which I also have. I'm feeling better at this moment and hoping by tomorrow there won't be anymore LBM. Last night, I happened to read about St. Therese of Lisieux years of depression that I didn't know if it is right reaction to feel happy about it. I mean I always picture the saints to be perfect and now learning that they were really more like me I thought that perhaps these are just trials for those who love God dearly. It is compliment to be among His saints but I do worry just like Saint Theresa said that what if she lead the people around who believe in her toward damnation instead to God. Nevertheless, I still felt great that after all this illness was just a trial and I have surpass it with my faith. Thank God I'm healed!

Scar of the Past

I hate it when my emotions are getting out of hand. Whether it is because of anxiety, too much fun or just plain anger. I have tendency not only hurting myself but also the people around me. And it pain me to realize my mistakes. My boredom has been my problem lately. I really don't want to get busy at work but I just want to have a real companion whom I can vent and be trusted. There are some whom I've been talking to and though I have improve a lot, I find it still that I don't have a trusted friend. Perhaps because everybody is caught up with their busy lives and I'm a selfish brat who wanted attention. Yes perhaps I just needed a partner who can listen up to me. The problem of aging and grumbling and nobody is listening. I have lost a lot of friendships already. Or it maybe just me who burn the bridges but I just don't want to trust again if I have been hurt. I have to test several times if the person is worth it. To reveal my very soul… If proven that all she did was to torn me apart then I have to shut up and leave. Words are like swords that can hurt my very soul. I don't know why but it keeps on defining me and I have to fight it to make my way through. Perhaps because I've been passive and just accepting things thrown to me before that I got fed up. Now I tried to think things over and although there are some delayed reactions but I still make sure my message is getting through. It may sound over reactions but I know now that I am not lazy, stupid or should be ignored. I'm not worthless. There are times it is alright to just be alone but realize there are few who makes effort to make my life comfortable and livable and I then give life another chance to live with others. It is a struggle if I want to be alone or be with others. But most of the time I'm alone and wondering what have happened if ten years ago I was married to the person I thought is the love of my life. I even doubted if there is really forever on love. I guess I've been too hurt to even trust on love and on anything. Everything now is just a scar of the past. I guess all I have to do is to close my eyes and hope for the best. That everything will be okay and life won't be that bad for a good soul like me.

Where is the Love?

I am sad in the recent dispute between Pacquiao and LGBT particularly Vice Ganda. I'm a fan of Pacquiao for bringing a name to the country but as a politician well I bet you know where I stand. As for Vice Ganda, in spite of her below the belt jokes I can call myself a real fan of this comedian as well. Nevertheless tonight as I browse my twitter feed, I cannot contained any longer to react on this fiasco. First, I felt bad for Pacquiao. I know he just answered a question and it just turn out that he really is against same sex marriage given that he is a Christian. Also given that he is not that literate we can assure he didn't mean that well whatever how bluntly he told a fact. Yes it is a fact. But one thing he forgotten is that he should have iterated that 'in his opinion as a Christian'. Why? because simply not all are Christians though it caused me to be sad for the negative reactions are now coming from Catholic and Christians alike. I think it is also foul to ask by Vice Ganda if everybody is following the bible. My goodness! what kind of example are you trying to portray? I know you are gay and have numerous relationship with men but please be remorseful. Don't parade your sinfulness as if nothing is wrong and it is widely accepted. Yes that is the problem. The public has been complacent. That is why I am even more disappointed with the Filipinos in general. In my previous blog I already told how I admire mostly  locals here for their reverence for the mass. The Filipinos especially the youth are having values as if they are not believers.. Yes we are not all Catholics, nor Christians. But for goodness sake, know your bible and don't argue that because we are human that we tend to commit mistake. We are all called to be saints. Pacquaio already apologize and what Vice Ganda should also do is to apologize that he too is just human, though sinful but please don't judge him and compare him to an animal. End of story. We must always remember that we are called to be like Jesus. And Jesus is a friend of sinners.

The Force Within

My not so long hibernation have some realizations indeed. I guess I've been dragging myself for too long to work now without purpose.. Just to get by, pay my debts and provide for my family. I looked at the young me before and I realize what really missing in my life now is the driving force to work.. to have passion in what I'm doing. Since all my sisters are now career women, I don't have the obligation anymore to provide and send them to school. I'm not really oblige now to send money to my family, just to help them pay the car we loaned from the bank. But other than that I have all my life. I have tried to go back to my passion of drawing and discovered my ability to paint. It is amazing indeed that my artistic side emerged even if I have taken it for granted for too long. I'm still afraid to step as a real writer since this path has been not easy for me. I have received a lot of criticisms before and I just knew I'm not that good grammarian nor my vocabulary is wide like the real writers we know. Nevertheless if I've been called to serve and a few believe in my talent then let it be. But those are just sidelines. What about my bread and butter? For nineteen years now I've been a Programmer and though I've served as Team Lead before or Business Analyst in a short while, going back to this dirty old job seems like demoting myself. I mean this has help me earn a lot especially when my sisters needed tuition fees or my mom just wanted to travel. But at this stage of my life where everybody is moving along and I'm just minding my own life, isn't it not selfish to dream also that I have some fulfillment? I'm not a lazy person. I'm thankful to realize that finally. The reason I don't want to work lately is because I'm not motivated. Especially now that there are so many restrictions in the office that I felt are not good for us employees. I'm really hoping and praying I can really land to another opportunity wherein I can showcase my skills and really feel the fulfillment of working. I do belong to corporate world but hoping opportunities are still there for me. Otherwise my plan B should work. That is go back to academe and teach the youth. I still wanted to make things better by contributing my listening ear to the public. That's why I wanted to be a Counselor someday. Perhaps part time. Perhaps full time. It depends on the succeeding months. This is mid life crisis.