Scar of the Past

I hate it when my emotions are getting out of hand. Whether it is because of anxiety, too much fun or just plain anger. I have tendency not only hurting myself but also the people around me. And it pain me to realize my mistakes. My boredom has been my problem lately. I really don't want to get busy at work but I just want to have a real companion whom I can vent and be trusted. There are some whom I've been talking to and though I have improve a lot, I find it still that I don't have a trusted friend. Perhaps because everybody is caught up with their busy lives and I'm a selfish brat who wanted attention. Yes perhaps I just needed a partner who can listen up to me. The problem of aging and grumbling and nobody is listening. I have lost a lot of friendships already. Or it maybe just me who burn the bridges but I just don't want to trust again if I have been hurt. I have to test several times if the person is worth it. To reveal my very soul… If proven that all she did was to torn me apart then I have to shut up and leave. Words are like swords that can hurt my very soul. I don't know why but it keeps on defining me and I have to fight it to make my way through. Perhaps because I've been passive and just accepting things thrown to me before that I got fed up. Now I tried to think things over and although there are some delayed reactions but I still make sure my message is getting through. It may sound over reactions but I know now that I am not lazy, stupid or should be ignored. I'm not worthless. There are times it is alright to just be alone but realize there are few who makes effort to make my life comfortable and livable and I then give life another chance to live with others. It is a struggle if I want to be alone or be with others. But most of the time I'm alone and wondering what have happened if ten years ago I was married to the person I thought is the love of my life. I even doubted if there is really forever on love. I guess I've been too hurt to even trust on love and on anything. Everything now is just a scar of the past. I guess all I have to do is to close my eyes and hope for the best. That everything will be okay and life won't be that bad for a good soul like me.