Living a Single Life

Its been a while since I have an entry in my blog. What really happened in these past few months were another roller coaster rides. There were times I'm so overwhelmed with happiness especially when I have great times with my family and friends. I'm already back in my home country and had established finally myself working as a all-around manager/developer in a well-known bank. I have to adjust really hard since there were a lot of stressful situations in the office that includes coordination with the team and dealing with my boss. Though right now I can say I have good relationships with them and things are working out fine as I never expected. I remembered I was in that moment where I really want to resign and get out to this office and transfer to another who could be a lot nicer.  But I have passed that ordeal and it seems more rewarding to finally get in tune with them. Anyway I still have sadness attacks especially when I'm alone and realized that I am forever alone. Yesterday was the birthday of my dad and we celebrated as family in a restaurant in Taguig. We have lots of fun eating together but when we left, everyone was walking side by side in pairs. It was awkward for me at first to really walking behind them but who cares. I mean especially in this culture that single blessedness was a big deal.  Even my mom has pushed me to every men we meet just for me to get married. Yes, it maybe the pressure that makes me feel sad about my situation or maybe because I am also envious. I know how it feels to be in a relationship and being a caring person myself I wanted to take care of someone.. to grow old with. But being a female is another dilemma since in our culture we don't do the first move. I remember there were nights I was just staring at the ceiling and wandering what would be like being old alone. I even planned to lock myself into nursing home since I don't want to burden my sisters and their families. Just thinking about it is really making me sad. It seems I have wasted my life. I still continue studying Social Work and I'm glad I did. I later realized its importance and how I determined to finish even to Masters. I wanted to help. I wanted to make a difference. It created much joy that I can do something for everyone who needs my help. And the idea once again brighten my days and even pushes me to live this life and seems living to the fullest is within my reach.