What now is my life

 The thing that resonates me this very moment is the words spoken by my mother earlier that it is only money so why make so many fuss about it. I feel bad about myself as if I am selfish but I knew deep inside she is wrong. As I ponder now, if money is not that really important then why are we working our ass? The root cause of the problem is actually being responsible. She took that away the day she didn't teach her children on standing their own two feet. I am somewhat still dependent but tried myself to handle my own problems especially financially. I have my own home where I can go back to. But my homegrown sisters are still under their wings. My own drama is that I was raised by my grandmother and the reason I have detachment on my parents pre-depression. I then see life as meaningless. Only to be reminded that it is all about love. When I did my research while I was in Singapore. I prayed hard that the Lord will teach me more of it as I fail to understand the meaning of life now. I just learned to live by the moment and enjoy things as possible as I can. So is this all about money? Perhaps but I guess growing up differently is my own share of having a hard life. I've been helping and sacrificing my happiness and setting aside my needs. Yet I still lack in my mother's eyes. While my sisters they got all the support since they are in need financially. In the end she will run to me because I am the only one who can understand and give. As I remember words of Saint Terrsa love until it hurts.

True Self

 I realize just now how I grew up to be like this. Like any other child, I was raised to know good and never be bad on eyes of others. I've been hating myself for too long because I am afraid to be myself since I was told to hide it so I won't get embarassed or to gain respect. Now all of that have changed. Years passed, I learned what I want to do my life and started to see sparkle of hope that my life is still livable. I guess my life has been tough on my early years. I've been with people who only think of themselves and like a blank slate, I absorbed all of it with instill fear in my heart. I work hard for who I am right now. I may be a trouble child with idealistic vision. That is the way I was raised. To believe on good, to do good. But the final ingredient is to be myself. That is the best thing I have found in my 45 years of existence. I cannot please everybody so just do what I love. I am a good human and I still have in humanity even how diverse the thoughts of each one of us. Religion, politics, family, values.. I have my own thoughts and I will no longer be manipulated. The time has come when I now have my own voice and I'm grateful I now found my true self. I am loved.