What now is my life

 The thing that resonates me this very moment is the words spoken by my mother earlier that it is only money so why make so many fuss about it. I feel bad about myself as if I am selfish but I knew deep inside she is wrong. As I ponder now, if money is not that really important then why are we working our ass? The root cause of the problem is actually being responsible. She took that away the day she didn't teach her children on standing their own two feet. I am somewhat still dependent but tried myself to handle my own problems especially financially. I have my own home where I can go back to. But my homegrown sisters are still under their wings. My own drama is that I was raised by my grandmother and the reason I have detachment on my parents pre-depression. I then see life as meaningless. Only to be reminded that it is all about love. When I did my research while I was in Singapore. I prayed hard that the Lord will teach me more of it as I fail to understand the meaning of life now. I just learned to live by the moment and enjoy things as possible as I can. So is this all about money? Perhaps but I guess growing up differently is my own share of having a hard life. I've been helping and sacrificing my happiness and setting aside my needs. Yet I still lack in my mother's eyes. While my sisters they got all the support since they are in need financially. In the end she will run to me because I am the only one who can understand and give. As I remember words of Saint Terrsa love until it hurts.

True Self

 I realize just now how I grew up to be like this. Like any other child, I was raised to know good and never be bad on eyes of others. I've been hating myself for too long because I am afraid to be myself since I was told to hide it so I won't get embarassed or to gain respect. Now all of that have changed. Years passed, I learned what I want to do my life and started to see sparkle of hope that my life is still livable. I guess my life has been tough on my early years. I've been with people who only think of themselves and like a blank slate, I absorbed all of it with instill fear in my heart. I work hard for who I am right now. I may be a trouble child with idealistic vision. That is the way I was raised. To believe on good, to do good. But the final ingredient is to be myself. That is the best thing I have found in my 45 years of existence. I cannot please everybody so just do what I love. I am a good human and I still have in humanity even how diverse the thoughts of each one of us. Religion, politics, family, values.. I have my own thoughts and I will no longer be manipulated. The time has come when I now have my own voice and I'm grateful I now found my true self. I am loved.

The Sensitive

 I was troubled again last night and early this morning still not feeling well. I am grateful for Fr. Jeff Quintela for I learned so much regarding the Catholic faith and on exorcism. But it also ignited the past issue of what I really have. I have trouble identifying my experiences since I have my own biases. I desired to have discernment of the spirits since the baptism in my Greenbelt community where I also received the gift of tongues. At first, I was troubled with the gift of prophecy since I also have gut feel on events and even blame myself for some unfortunate events. But later on after attending charism seminar in Singapore, I was able to understand that gift. The visions I usually have during prayer is my gift of prophecy. I even so overwhelmed during the session because the person whom I speak with cried of my message. I still remember I have dismissed the idea of involving with the occult because I knew then I am not doing anything against God. Although I must admit that my sinful lifestyle has been my first opening and so I was diagnosed with mental illness. I'm grateful with Fr. Jeff since he regarded mental illness as an oppression rather than lack of faith as some priest would claimed. My exposure with different friends in Singapore has led me to believe on third eye, mediums, lucky charms and fortune telling. I have been close with one of my officemate and revealed she has third eye. And hearing her experiences which I could relate to, I conclude then that I also have one. I also have another friend who invited me to palmistry which ignites also the curiosity within me about my future. I then also consult fortune tellers through internet. I became anxious about my future and would like to know the outcome. I also been hearing, smelling, seeing and feeling extra ordinary which most of the times gave me goosebumps. I am confused though if these were mere hallucinations. But deep within me I don't want to give in with the idea that I am only sick. I knew I am sane, can work, can function, can be talked to. I consulted different professionals with my conditions and even accepted my fate and forgot the labels of diagnosis. I still remember out of anxiousness, I asked my friend if she could ask the employer of her mom which is a medium if what I really have. I felt the fear reading the message though disappointed because seems I was disowned. I even joke around that Satan will not be glad that I am in hell since I am prayerful and even with my rosary. I was told I don't have the ability or the gift but indeed there were times the sightings were real and sometimes there were just mere imaginations. My heart sank. I don't have a third eye. And I then read some books of Fr. Jocis Syquia, a Manila Exorcist which let me understand some basic Catholic teachings. I then throw good luck charms. Though I still have the heart for the mediums since my friend told me they were raised by their mom while working there and she often told me that she knew how good the person was. I also knew my officemate who claimed she have third eye so I cannot judge them too quickly. I maybe soft for wrong reasons. And now by bringing up the topic again on the third eye makes me anxious on what I have. Recently I saw some extra ordinary in our home and in the hotel where we spent for the wedding of my sister. I felt frustrated since I cannot claim I have the gift of discernment of the spirits. I then renounce whatever power I have and ask for protection from Mama Mary. But still I'm anxious because deep within me I don't know what I have. I then open my YT and able to watch about Obsession and Oppression. There I fully understand what I have. There I also remembered what I've been told before which I didn't fully accepted.  Third Eye is working 24/7 which in my case is not. I seldom have sightings. And mostly if I am new in the place. Second discernment of the spirits works during prayer assembly for the edification of the church. I am not active in any community yet there were times I have extra ordinary experiences. Which brought me to Obsession. I tried to remember recent events that can be the opening why I again experience such. First was my anxiousness on having money since I have big debts too so I resort to lucky stones. Later on I realize this is a mistake so I blessed the jade I used and promise to be an accessory only from this time on. I also grew fondness on the 90s show Charmed which I wanted to have a tattoo or engraved in my jewelry a triquetra symbol. I also tried to justify it is a trinity symbol too but now I can admit that I like that symbol because of the show. I may still like fantasy show or read books about witches or other magical creatures but I remind myself only for entertainment. I draw the line that I should not be too much fan that could serve as an opening for me to get harassed. The last event I remember was the superstitious belief I agreed upon because of my sister's wedding. I really didn't know the Catholic teachings regarding that and listening to Fr. Jeff help me realized my mistakes. I then asked for forgiveness for all these things and renounce whatever power I have again. Since I don't know the schedule of confession, I asked forgiveness directly to God. I do hope this pandemic would end soon so I can go to church. I hope I could obtain the mercy of God. Then I remembered my spiritual director in Singapore who told me I am only sensitive to the spirits. I then conclude that people like me should always be in the state of grace for we are easily attack. I felt a little bad though since why only selected people like me should be following such strict rule. But only to realize that isn't it this is the commandment for everyone. I guess I am indeed blessed and special because my closeness with the Lord brought me to my sanctification and even how weird my sufferings were, I felt I am favored too.   

Pandemic and Me

 More than a year living in the pandemic made me realize how blessed I am and grateful for all the answered prayers especially for the protection. I had learned to accept during these time my parents and siblings, our differences and that there are things that I cannot changed. Life has been livable ever since.

I was diagnosed last 2002 with psychosis then 2004 with major depression. Now I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Dropping all the labels, I am grateful I have lived this path. Religion has been my trigger but it let me realized how thirst I am to know about God. At 26 I know I loved this God but deep in my heart I knew too that I failed Him many times. What great to know is that no matter what, I am loved by Him. At 30 I struggled to know myself. Hand in hand I learned about God and I also discovered about myself. It seems I almost liked all and I can do all. Yes I am multi-talented. But what really surprised me is that I was given a choice which I seldom used. Now life has been so beautiful. I am His Child and His Beloved. I guess the last strand would be accepting the people around me and it is hard to change a person. Change is the only permanent in this world and it is up to the person if s/he wants a change. All I can do is for myself. I gained a lot of wisdom in these journey so I guess I wouldn't regret being diagnosed with mental illness because this paves the way for me to get out of my shell. I felt liberated and gain confidence now. I can speak, I can ask and I can just be myself. 

Pandemic is another event I cannot easily forget. Before this happened, I wished that everybody could just work from home due to tiresome going to office everyday. I know it is an impossible request. And guess when Pandemic happened last 2020 it gave me a big surprised. I have to shake myself that all were coincidence and I didn't mean all those deaths. I am grateful God has given me intelligence because I wouldn't surpass the ordeal of all coincidence happened in  my life. I've been a good analyst! Well its been my job through the years. What good brought about this event is that I have the confidence to join Youtube. Who knows, I can be famous too.

Respect and Friendship

It has been a roller coaster ride at work. But today I finally saw the root cause. I was yearning for acceptance and friendship that I removed the line from being a boss to being their friend. I find it difficult now to command especially with respect since they can just say whatever they wanted. I got the real picture or should not since I am their boss. Am I putting this all in my head? Perhaps but apparently they were not listening to me if they think I'm wrong and even say it out loud. Where is respect there? I couldn't imagine if they will do it to our reporting manager. I gave them freedom. I gave them my confidence. But I think I should draw again the line.

Next is I cannot feel anymore my Singapore community. Don't know if physically not present there means we were cutting out ties. That is why there were moments I felt the friendship is not real. Perhaps not really at all.

Quarantine Realizations

Its day thirty seven of our enhanced community quarantine. We were blessed because most of the chores are still being done by our parents inspite of their senior years. All we have to do was work from home using our laptop and attend conference calls. We seldom ate canned goods and I think it helps in fighting illnesses and raising our immune systems too. I cannot complain though with the life I have right now. There were so many bad things happened to me but I'm glad I was able to see now blessings in my life. It still not perfect but livable. If I wish for anything is more of for my family and for my personal wishes would include good health, promotion, wealth and a husband. I'm really wishing too much but I know I have to be honest when praying to God too. I no longer have apprehensions while praying and can be myself. I still got angry though. On some occasion when my ex was mentioned and how good his life now. I want to stop the comparison and I just want to live my own life. I don't want to be miserable for things he has that I don't have. If I have to change things I would rather not get involved with him. Though he is a great lesson in my life. He made me strong and wise. He is the reason I know now there are people who cannot be trusted. I learned not to trust people especially if I knew from the start that they are opportunists. Life is too short to dwell on anger and I pray I can get over him and be able to forgive and forget. I only pray after this quarantine we all are safe and happy to face the world again.

The World and Healing

Just a few more hours and it is the fourteenth day of our community quarantine. I have mixed emotions since I cannot believe my wish to still have salary inspite of not going to work did came true but with catastrophe. There was guilt when I realized this but later on I knew this was not my fault. It is depression talking. This is also the time to rest well and recover my body from tireless days of working and also to spend more time with family. Being a skeletal force myself, I'm too scared of my safety and hoping I wouldn't be called during these times. I salute even the smallest worker like salespeople in supermarket, pharmacists and even garbage collectors. I have mixed feelings though on doctors. Well its a personal thing. But this is a healing season. Human as I was, I thought it was a punishment for my ex to be on frontline. And he even did not deserve to die at this moment for he is not a hero. But later tonight I feel blessed I'm not his wife. I don't have to worry of his welfare. Yes I have surpass the stage of loving him and hoping of hating him too. May this pandemic would heal all of us in all aspects of our lives.