The Year-ender

This is the very first time I will spend my Christmas eve totally alone. I was planning to spend it with my roommate and her family but was informed last night that they will spend theirs on another house later. I don't have qualms being left alone. In fact I'm looking forward since I have so many things to do later before my flight on Saturday morning. I will just cook a simple dinner and enjoy the night. In fact I'm not depress this time and I have countered a lot of negative things inside my head recently. Indeed as I look back I really do fret on little things and degraded myself too much. That's why people are even surprised to know I have mental illness since it is not obvious. They even regarded me as being intelligent person to be such or even blame the doctors who only want to gain from me coz they really can't see anything wrong with me. I guess the revelations recently with Sister Linda had hit it hard. My childhood even though was memorable with my grandparents but I lacked guidance and affirmations that I have low self esteem. I also have this abandonment dilemma that I was an unwanted child for among my siblings I was the only one that really didn't grew up with my mother. I also have resentments after realizing I must make up for lost times and to have a connection with my parents. I work hard for them and given everything they wished. Although the problem really arise when there was conflict of interest with my then ex boyfriend and them with regards to my money. I've been a good daughter still after that madness and was recovering gradually. Its hard to learn and to accept that the negative feelings I have towards my parents were result of being too much of an obedient child that I neglect to act as an adult. I often blame myself for everything that happened to me but my spiritual adviser told me to also give some to others. Yes its okay to feel bad and hate someone but the important is what your actions after. After several days of admitting I want to be assertive this time to tell them my limitations and not to push myself harder I decided to love more and not to make up. The big difference is that while making up I have this thinking I need to do these things to prove my worth so that I will become acceptable and lovable but in fact I don't need to push myself hard. I am loved by everyone because I am worthy to be loved. I'll just do what I can and appreciate life itself. Yes there are times indeed we are the one who complicate our lives. I love 2014, a great year-ender!

Healed

Last Saturday my shrink was singing a different tune. Although she indirectly confirmed I have the gift but gave me advise to determine if I'm only experiencing hallucination. She told me if the experience would left me paralyze, ie I cannot do anymore productive task then it is hallucination. But since often I would find myself praying and then even go to work then I guess she was hinting me to stop torturing myself. I then understood her position that in medical field it is absurd to confirm something that for them is not visible in naked eye. She further stated that it is  difficult to draw a fine line even on delusion perse since the belief on group of people that may sound peculiar to another. I guess it only means that since my belief is based from our culture and Christian faith then I guess I should stop branding myself mentally ill since nothing is extra ordinary. I've waited for ten long years just to know that I've been tormenting myself with the idea that I'm a lunatic. Simply because I am caught having firm belief to the unknown although it is accepted especially on the Catholic church. I felt a big thorn has been removed in my chest and finally the truth has set me free. She even lower my dosage and agreed that I should not be taking the medicines for too long. It seems she only waited for me to wake up and declare myself as healed.

Love is a Decision

I have been in long time relationship and looking back now it has taught me a lot of lessons that I can say I really grow because of the experience. I have so many questions back then why he has so many conditions to love me back. It has been the last stage and perhaps he really wanted to backed out and come out clean. That's why he was demanding things from me. I've been loving him unconditionally through out the years. I've been complimenting and boosting his morale. I just failed to admit that there were needs that he have not met. I was a fool to just accept him and not able to criticize him for his improvement and for my sake. I bottled up the feelings inside and since I was afraid of losing him, I tried hard to adjust every time there was conflict and even if I'm the one diagnosed with depression. To him, it is my fault why I have such illness. He failed to understand why I undergoing such trial in my life. He accused me of pinning him down and I find it so selfish of him to only think of himself where all this time I've been taking care of him. I knew he only wanted way out that's why I just cried some more and didn't fight back. Yes I learned that true love is unconditional and a decision. And most of all it takes two to tango. It is painful to realize I'm the only one holding on til the end and decided to love him forever where he already gave up on me. I'm still searching in my heart now how to forgive him, wasting half of my time as a youth where I should be enjoying with friends and aspiring for my dreams. I guess the very lesson from it is to love myself first and love should not be demanding that it will take all of me. It should be nourishing, nurturing and would lift me up. I am now reaching an age where it would be difficult to bear a child. I love to have family of my own given a chance. But I'm also secure of myself that I am not desperate and just jump on the boat for any chance that will be given. I have learned my lessons well that I have to be very careful to make another decision. For love for me is a lifetime commitment. Love is a decision.

The Mantle of Protection

This week is the last five days for my consecration to Jesus through Mary. I felt I have this calling to be closer to Mother Mary although at young age my faith on her has been challenged by those people who thought that we Catholics worship her. At young age I became conscious on my prayer that I keep on telling myself I'm not worshiping her but only ask for her help in praying for my petitions. It seems in my subconscious mind I am afraid from her -- that the evil one would trick me by using her image. Nevertheless my love for Jesus has always brought me closer to her. Well she is indeed his mother and he will never be born and salvation won't be fulfilled without her 'yes'. The novena to Divine Mercy has let me entrust my soul to her which is hard for me at first since I was hoping it would be Jesus who would fetch me when that faithful day comes. But a question pop up... will I be delighted if He sent his mother instead? I keep on telling myself that she indeed would lead me to Him. And this 33 day retreat has been I guess the final victory. I can fully pledge and entrust my whole being to her Immaculate Heart. All the troubles of oppression from the evil one will come to an end. Yes I believe I will be protected now. Just a little faith and I know I'm on the right path. I could feel the joy never left my heart. I am now strong, always enthusiastic, not tired of loving and doing extra mile -- all for the love of Jesus. Well who can really know more of Him than his own mother.. So why resist her when she can truly bring me closer to my Savior.