The Year-ender

This is the very first time I will spend my Christmas eve totally alone. I was planning to spend it with my roommate and her family but was informed last night that they will spend theirs on another house later. I don't have qualms being left alone. In fact I'm looking forward since I have so many things to do later before my flight on Saturday morning. I will just cook a simple dinner and enjoy the night. In fact I'm not depress this time and I have countered a lot of negative things inside my head recently. Indeed as I look back I really do fret on little things and degraded myself too much. That's why people are even surprised to know I have mental illness since it is not obvious. They even regarded me as being intelligent person to be such or even blame the doctors who only want to gain from me coz they really can't see anything wrong with me. I guess the revelations recently with Sister Linda had hit it hard. My childhood even though was memorable with my grandparents but I lacked guidance and affirmations that I have low self esteem. I also have this abandonment dilemma that I was an unwanted child for among my siblings I was the only one that really didn't grew up with my mother. I also have resentments after realizing I must make up for lost times and to have a connection with my parents. I work hard for them and given everything they wished. Although the problem really arise when there was conflict of interest with my then ex boyfriend and them with regards to my money. I've been a good daughter still after that madness and was recovering gradually. Its hard to learn and to accept that the negative feelings I have towards my parents were result of being too much of an obedient child that I neglect to act as an adult. I often blame myself for everything that happened to me but my spiritual adviser told me to also give some to others. Yes its okay to feel bad and hate someone but the important is what your actions after. After several days of admitting I want to be assertive this time to tell them my limitations and not to push myself harder I decided to love more and not to make up. The big difference is that while making up I have this thinking I need to do these things to prove my worth so that I will become acceptable and lovable but in fact I don't need to push myself hard. I am loved by everyone because I am worthy to be loved. I'll just do what I can and appreciate life itself. Yes there are times indeed we are the one who complicate our lives. I love 2014, a great year-ender!