A Letter to Myself 2018

Dear Celeste,

I haven't recognize you now. You've been outspoken and came out beautifully out of your shell. I thought you will never gonna make it. Just the saying goes, you will not always at the low side of the world. You have survived. Thank God for making you breathe the happiness, the joy of singlehood. And now you are so ready to face the world full of surprises. Ready to bless and share the world with goodness inside your heart. Continue to shine!

Christmas Joyrnal Part Two

Dear Jesus,

You amazed me again. I know its your birthday. And you made me see that not all clergy are the same. There are still good ones. And he delivered well your message earlier at the mass. How words have affected my whole life. How it kills me softly, creating paranoia and delusions. And how the Word continue to heal me. You are my strength Lord. Whatever happens just have my back.

Christmas Journal 2018

Dear Jesus,

Happy bday! Thank you for knowing me. My heart right now is full of hate and bitterness. My home where I want to introduce you did not welcome you last night. They just let me sleep the whole day and not happy with my gifts. All my plans for your bday they scrapped. And I hate the clergy too. They wouldn't took away how much they have hurt me in the past. And will continue to do so. Perhaps I will be home at the catholic church if I'm gone.

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #14

Dear Jesus,

I don't know if it is paranoia again. But things were getting out of hand. In my head. I thought I heard from my former co-sfc earlier why I post on non-sense things in which I remember my spiritual mother prohibiting me to post emotional things on social media. I felt I don't have the freedom and yes I then conclude I don't want to join community anymore if they will dictate such actions. That is restricting my freedom for I'm not misbehaving either. Then I felt wishful death is suddenly growing inside my head again. Earlier I was not in the mood of eating dinner together with my siblings. I thought I heard my youngest sister saying I don't want to be with them on supper. How can I expect them to be with me if I don't like to join them. Honestly I don't care anymore what other people think or say. I will do what I want to do. I'm a good person and I don't have to meet their expectations.

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #13

Dear Jesus,

Today everything seems back to normal and much better. Much better since I can hold my mouth instead of criticizing or complaining. Much better because I listen first before explaining myself. Much better because I simply learn the word Love. Hoping for a better me each day and a love that grows between us Lord. I love you.

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #12

Dear Jesus,

I feel both great and worried. Great since I can move and perform my daily task. But worried because there were instances I knew I've been hearing voices which I cannot validate since I'm alone. Just like what happened earlier at the elevator. I still have the feeling I'm the one seems the topic like yesterday, by one close colleague and tonight, by the newscaster on the tv. I am afraid I have to increase my dosage by Saturday. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Hopefully Lord I'm better. 

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #11

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for today. I may not attending the Nine (9) morning masses for this christmas, but you let me feel your love especially through my family. I really wish that we will spend more happy times together. And thank you Lord for the healing. I am now more confident to face the world again. I was able to tell Dra. Batar my paranoia. Although I was able to determine that it was all a big mistake. Me taking keywords with special meanings but actually ordinary or common words in our daily lives. As Dra. Batar said, both physical and my pre-disposition has caused it. I'm still blessed to recognize the reality. Thank you dear Lord. I'm forever grateful.

At tumigil ang mundo
Nung ako'y ituro mo
At hindi ka lumayo
Nung ako yung sumusuko
At nagbago ang mundo
Nung ako'y pinaglaban mo..

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #10

Dear Jesus,

I may be distant with my colleagues. But deep inside I'm happy. I don't know if I'm just protecting myself for being hurt. Or is it truly for my mental health. But I'm glad I'm now free to choose my inner circle.

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #9

Dear Jesus,

Tonight I decided to stick being Catholic. I have all the reasons to leave. But perhaps take one day at a time. I am reminded how friends decided to keep it for family sake. I will seek you Lord again and I know I will find the answers to my questions. You never failed me. I love you Lord. Always and forever.

Advent Prayer Journal #8

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for showing me the real face of Christians through Samaritan's Purse. I don't know if it is a sign that I should let go of what I believe in - the Catholic faith. I don't want to compare but Christians never let me feel alone. I don't know how to continue if my shepherds in the Catholic church don't express concerns to me. I may be selfish. I always been their defender. I always give them benefit of the doubt. But they have not shown to care about me. To know about me. Who is the true Christians then?

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #7

Dear Jesus,

I am in so much pain. The religious failed me. First, they didn't let me in because they didn't knew me. Second, because I have mental illness. Now they don't want to entertain my questions but rather would look for answers myself on the internet where its difficult to decipher which one is the truth. Finally, I don't know my parish priest. How can I go to him if he is distant. I felt these were some of the reasons why others left the Catholic church. I have a hunch why the religious treat me like that. Since not all in their community I will get along with, perhaps they want to make sure I really wanted to be a nun. But that is just an assumption. My point is how could they just give direction going to God if they cannot establish a relationship with people. If only I didn't love the Eucharist and believe in Sacrament of Confession, I have left the church long ago. Help me God on my faith. Amen.

Advent Prayer Journal #6

Dear Jesus,

So many things happened today. Thank you for another chance you gave me to be with my family and to be with friends. Thank you for giving me the courage to express myself without anger. And to soften my heart for all those who have hurt me back. Thank you for my shrink for her endless support since day 1 of my illness. I lift up to you my illness and the future Lord. Bahala ka na.

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #5

Dear Jesus,

I felt my mind was messed up. I remembered wrong details of the past. Don't know if I'm aging or is it part of depression. I remembered happy times though and I don't know if it is tears of joy. I slept soundly but I felt tired when I woke up this morning. I just want to rest a bit. I still have my finals at UPOU and some papers to finish. Glad I have an appointment tomorrow. Thank you for yesterday and this morning Lord.

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #4

Dear Jesus,

Today has many ups and downs.  You know I love you. I'm trying so hard. But proving it makes it difficult. The response that being required makes me miserable. I'm not brave enough to be unlimited in giving kindness. I tried to reflect Pope Francis' message tonight. And here are my thoughts about it.

"so deep. need to reflect on this. 😔 RT @Pontifex: The beginning of faith is feeling the need for salvation: this is the way that prepares us to meet Jesus."

1. Suicide is not the road to salvation. I must remind myself that You love me and there is always hope. How many times I doubted your love and confess about it. I was reminded that my salvation was "tagilid" because of it. I have pride Lord. That is why I was in confession. I tried hard not to do again. To love you more. But I have to keep in my head that I was just being reminded.

2. My hesitation to preach to my family is additional hindrance for them to have their own salvation. I have this thought that if I love them I will make a move to ensure their salvation. But honestly I want to give them freedom. Freedom so that they will love Jesus willingly. I hope prayer is enough and my love for them too.

3. Forgiveness means befriending the people who hurt me. I put distance now so I won't get triggered. That is my way of taking care my mental health. Although I heard that I should also just forgive but not really bring these people back in my life. I am not hurting anybody. I have been praying for them even if it is hard to accept that they are more blessed than I am. But there are people who push me to be out of my comfort zone and to really be with these people whom I cannot trust anymore. I am in the verge of giving up my Catholic faith if they will keep pushing this. Then perhaps I won't get saved for I will not join then any Christian denomination for the teaching would be the same.

I still don't know what to do. I will just let you lead Lord and give me strength. Tomorrow is another day. Depression sucks. Thanks anyway for the ministry. It has been prophesied in Charism Workshop by Saccre in Singapore that I should not worry about my ministry and that you will provide for all my need to keep it. I recently founded Prudence which aims to help less fortunates. I know I'm not doing enough but I hope you are happy with the little things I made out of my love for you. Hug me tonight Jesus. 😘

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #3

Dear Jesus,

I finally get it! I was afraid of the thought of being alone. But as I ponder on the reality now, I admit I like it. I don't have to take care of someone. I don't have to please someone. Or even beg someone to love me or to stay. I don't need to push so hard to make things work. I am so much in love with the thought of weddings, babies and happily ever after. I forgot they were fairy tales. How many times do I need to get hurt. How many times do I have to wait and hope. I don't need a person to make me happy. I can support myself and I can be happy by myself. It is not even a sin. Thank you Jesus. I'm really avoiding this vocation. Only to realize this is my destiny.

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #2

Dear Jesus,

I stopped using the social media. No more noise. I felt people have killed me there. I really don't want to close doors. But I'm tired of listening on what to do. I know you have given me freewill and I want to use that. I will pray hard not to leave you. You're the only one who truly love me. I don't know how I will react tomorrow when I'm again in the world.

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #1

Dear Jesus,

I felt very triggered today. I've been feeling these this past few days. It will be my check up soon. And I know I will be back on my medication. I failed. I tried to understand people but it was very difficult. I can no longer distinguish who really care or not. Is it wrong that I love you and hang on because of you and what I believe in? I struggle with social media and been answering things I should not. I owe no one an explanation. I should only listen to my shepherd's voice. I won't get deceived. Lord God be my strength. I know its you when I just thought of the word "Be my heart." Just a tiny piece of your heart will make me go a very long way. A heart with ears, a heart with hands, a heart with feet, a heart with your face.