The Chain Letters

I'm gathering materials for discussion in our household that I felt an affirmation from the Lord. These past few days has been hard on me and though I hide the troubles I'm feeling through my smiles and laughter, I felt that the Lord has spoken this time and He assures me that I know Him very well. As I said I claim that I have unconventional thinking since mostly I'm against with the current practices that the majority is in favor of. For instance is chain letters/messages. I admit when I started praying novena when I was young I also fell into this trap. I often would pick up letter/s on the statue But later I realize why would God punish me if I would not follow to pass the letter. Why would He just simply grant my request. And from that time I stopped passing those. I even got mad one time on my household member when she posted on our whatsapp group a chain message that if not pass something bad will happened. Perhaps I may did it in a wrong way but I simply told her the one she is promoting is not the God that we know who simply love us and would bless us. First He would not scare us just for that piece of message or an assurance that our request is granted. According to the catechism of the Catholic church which I gathered,  chain letters is a sin. It is against the First Commandment. Simply because it promotes divination. Only God knows the future so we should not expect our petitions will be granted just because we passed the letter/message. And another is we are putting our confidence to that piece of letter, a promise that we will be blessed than to hold on to God who love us so much. I then realize if I have the gift of discernment since I can distinguish if it is not God at work on certain instances.. Or perhaps a gift of common sense. 

I am the Lord your God, you shall not have strange gods before Me. CCC 2083-2141

My Apology

As I go to sleep tonight I realize that if my parents will read my blog, this will truly break their heart. Though my real intention is just to write down my life lessons. I'm not perfect and I do struggle a lot. I committed so many mistakes and I tend to be emotional and over react. I love my parents, my friends and even everyone. But I'm also human and I can feel pain, frustrations and anger. I know some are too personal to write down. Unlike before I was diagnosed to have depression, I have now friends who readily listen. Yet I find it not enough perhaps with their different response. I admit I have unconventional views most of the time. I find complete relief by writing what inside my mind and heart. I know my grammar is poor  but I just love to write. Perhaps online journal is not a good idea. I really don't know if I only brought shame to my family by all the things I have written here. But this is me. I hope that my love ones will understand I need this. To people who are reading this blog I hope you have learned the lessons I am sharing and able also to accept my flaws. I'm still a work in progress. But I won't give up on learning. I'm forever a student.

Brand New Day

I have survived another day and seems the black cloud hovering over my head has left for awhile. Been anxious in the past few days and seems my prayers were not enough. What actually I did was not just surrender to God but just feel the pain then watch it as it go. I'm guilty of denial before. That I should not feel the pain and always just think on how I can be a better person for other people. Yes it is right to think of other people but I neglected myself, my feelings, my right to live, my dignity as a person. That's why claiming those hurts have helped me these years to claim my dignity and to know who I am. Though dwelling on those feelings were negative and seems very destructive but surpassing that stage is like breathing fresh air and make me appreciate life more.

I have pledge on the grave of my grandmother that I would show my love more to my parents especially to my mother, her daughter. I have this regrets of not really giving my time and affection to my late grandmother and I felt that by just giving back and loving my parents she would be happy. Through the years it has been a struggle for  me since I said before I'm too different from them especially to my mother. But each day as I'm given opportunity to live with them have also given me the chance to be patient and understanding. I learned to just give way and understand their wisdom then also share my own. In times my views are not accepted I just bow down and let it be. It has been never easy and I'm always in tug of war that I always think how should I improve on dealing with them. Always keeping in mind how can I make them happy especially now they are old. This morning I realized that from that simple pledge I became to accept my parents even their flaws. I learned to love them as persons as they are without thinking I'm just doing these for my grandmother. It all started there but establishing relationship with them makes me appreciate them more as my parents and not just people who introduced me to this world.

In the community, the recent hand over have given me bigger task as a household head. Though I still dig deeper in my heart if I have the right to complain that the hand over is not done properly. I know we are friends but I guess a little respect and understanding that the service we are doing also consume our time and effort, and giving your role to somebody because you are also undergoing some struggles and cannot perform, you should also consider the person you will give that role to. I mean our service is not just easy because it involves relationships and leading these people to Christ , that a simple text message is enough for the transition. I even gave an analogy that at work we are oblige to give one month notice if we want to resign yet here I'm not given even a day notice and I'm not paid even. Another is I felt awkward to just announce to the group I'm their new leader in the presence of their past leader. Isn't it the proper way is for her to introduce me to the group? Or should be our immediate superior that will handle the hand over if it would be difficult for her. I still don't know how to draw a line between friendship and etiquette but I guess that's me. I can be your best friend in good times and bad times but I only demand a little consideration. Perhaps the old saying that your real friends don't need these etiquette and they can just barge in to your life and mess around are not applicable to me this time. But the service is not about me.. This concerns people whom we are leading back to the faith. Time is essential to hand over these people because understanding each of their concerns is not easy too. Or perhaps it is just me. But this is my style of leadership. This is my style of giving my service to God. If my philosophy on these are right, I don't know. But these have added to my anxiety though I just breathe out all the negativity and now I'm okay to perform. Holding to the promise that God will help me along the way.

Chastity and Humility

I don't know if this is because of my analytical mind since I'm IT or even just as my defense that I got irritated when I hear community sharing emphasizing on their virginity. For instance there was this young lady who told her life story in the community, admitted that she have several relationships with both male and female partners but in spite of she remained a virgin. Many applauded to her small speech and I even heard she was often invited to speak same story many times. I don't know but for one thing she does not need to announce that she is still a virgin period. She does not need to boast that she achieve that position until now and even address to audience like me who loses it that there is a forgiving God and there is second virginity. How arrogant! Yes she is promoting virginity in the community where pre-marital sex is prevalent in the society but I guess she or anybody else in the community should not lift up herself and didn't focus on the sins she committed and how she was redeemed by the Lord. The church is a house of sinners and I felt like a second class citizen because I failed to do such as that. Second is because I also noticed that she focused more on herself and what she has done (that is right) than giving glory to God. When you stand in front of the community and give your testimony it should mirror life transformation because of the Lord. I find it inspiring though if I will hear these things from couples. One time I heard a husband how he tried hard so that his spouse will remain chaste and pure. There are celebrities now who admitted they are still virgins or they remained virgins before marriage and there are some in the community who shared these articles and commented they too chose that path. Yes that is something to be proud of but these celebrities are asked and interviewed. They didn't announce to get the fame of adhering to God's command to remain chaste. Well these are my thoughts. I admire them personally but they don't need to brag it. There is a proper venue for everything.

Called and Chosen

I'm acting now as the head of our cell group since our former lead will be out of work this coming Friday and may leave soon if she will not find another. Though it might just be for a few months since I am also called to serve as Discussion Group Leader on next month Christian Life Program and usually the leader will also headed the cell group formed. I recalled three years back when I was asked to  be an assistant there was hesitation on my part. It was actually a mixed emotions. First I felt I'm not fit and afraid I will be laugh at if they learned (the new members) that I have mental illness. That feeling I overcome when I stand and shared my life story last Recon. It was a testimony of God's love that transform me and has been healing me. Afterwards I can feel the admiration and acceptance of the community that I felt confident I can still fit in and be accepted. The next apprehension was that I felt why given me the role of assistant head where in fact I'm a former Catechist which means I know a lot about the faith and being outstanding in most of what I do. I learned through the years the word 'humility' and 'service'. The headship in the community does not mean prestige but leading others to Jesus. I learned to value and build relationship instead. It is by treating each as a part of the family that make things worthwhile. Truly when God calls He will equip you. And I will also keep in mind that many are called but few are chosen. 

Tidbits of This and That

I often hear that the celebrity sister of the president have a chip installed  on her wrist so she can be easily tracked in case something happened to her. I find it ridiculous to hear also from one of my born again friends that it is a sign of the devil. Well I cannot defend her much on her life choices but I cannot stand also to hear how they judge her and her being Catholic. I just felt that celebrities and famous people have more responsibility since they are being look up to. They can influence more people especially the young ones. But they are human too and can do mistakes. I often hear a lot of judgement because one is Catholic especially if they are in different denomination. They knew I'm also Catholic but I really don't know what going on inside their heads that they can say these things in front of me. Well there were times too that they asked me questions and I felt humiliated since I committed something wrong. But those are in the past and I forgave them and understand their nature. I just keep on telling myself what Jesus told to his disciple that all those who use his name are not against him. Although I still don't get the idea why so many denominations and each claiming to be followers of him. I instilled in my mind one sermon of the priest -- ganyan lang sila but they are our friends.

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My co-Catechist told me when I was still teaching that Jesus real job during his time is not a carpenter but something to do with oil lamps. I have high respect on her since she came from the convent (once a postulate) and I knew she learned it somewhere and not just inventing stories. Those times though I'm already serving the Lord, I still have issues on my faith. I felt cheated in just simple information like that. For me what else is not true about what I know on Jesus. How can I have relationship with him if everything presented to me is false. I consulted a priest who calmed me down. He told me that piece of information which is not even validated is not important. What Jesus did and still doing is what matters. I'm deeply moved and from then seek more of him inside my heart. I admitted though that there are times I failed to listen to him and just babble on my prayers.

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Another conversation with the above priest is about third eye. These were during the times I don't have spiritual adviser and we just chat on facebook. I was so afraid that I will be judged as into occult if I claimed I have such gift. And I'm also tired of hearing that everything is just my imagination. Again he told me a promising advice -- there are still things that are out of touch and we cannot just simply say they are not real. He gave me confidence and relief that I should also believe on myself and not rely on what others is saying.

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Another wise advise he told me was when I consulted to him about what I felt on my unworthiness. It has been my feeling for quite sometime that perhaps one of the sign of depression. Even after Confession I still felt not loved and unworthy. My shrink then told me not to be harsh on myself and to also forgive myself. The priest told me then we are all unworthy but God chose us to be his children. All we have to do is accept that love. I wept after that and realize how much God loves me.

The Penance

I've searched the net for the reasons why there are times the priest would not give penance during Confession. One article I'd read explained that it can be because the priest saw that the penitent was truly sorry. I was glad to learned about this though later on I was anxious and search for more answers. I know that through the blood of Christ we were forgiven and whatever penance given to us is/are necessary for us to atone from our sins and able to re-establish again our relationship with God that has been wrecked by sins. There were two instances that I have not received penance during Confession by different priest and both instances I just prayed afterwards, grateful for the mercy He has been giving. Curious as I was, I want to know the catechism about these that I tried to research and asked around. One article I'd read says that the most important to receive in this Sacrament is the absolution. The confession and penance usually are not required especially during times before death. But I'm quite a little bit concerned since I'm not dying when I confessed. My brothers in Christ cannot provide specific answers for these and just told me that absolution is really what matters most. They even told me that mortal sins like abortion, murder and rape can only be absolved by bishops. I've pondered more for the sins I've confessed I can say were not as big as those mentioned. There was this nagging feeling that maybe my mom was right that because it becomes a habit that the priest thinks I should stopped confessing those. I mean my intention was to confess my favourite sins every time I failed not to commit them no matter how I tried. Though I felt guilty I've committed them and confessing all over again. I know God's mercy is vast and infinite so I'm confident I'm still forgiven and that keep me to strive harder to be good. One sister in Christ told me that perhaps it meant that I can do whatever penance which I think can help me reconciled once again to God. This makes sense and I felt that I've been growing in my faith journey since I've been receiving more challenging task but help me get closer to God. Before I was perplexed too that even if I confess regularly the priest would even let me pray the whole rosary as my penance, or even just a decade, or there was a time a ten minute meditation. But I understand along the way that these help me to have more intimate relationship with God and truly they are His ministers to lead us back to Him. Nevertheless, I will discussed same topic with my spiritual adviser later on though I'm now not anxious and at peace.

 "On the evening of that day, the first day of the week," Jesus showed himself to his apostles. "He breathed on them, and said to them: 'Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained"' (Jn 20:19, 22-23)

Samu't Sari

My mom recent stay here in Singapore have given me the chance to share my few learnings. Every morning there is this black cat on our block. She freaked out upon seeing it when she accompanied me to the MRT. I told her it is her favorite hang out and I saw her everyday on the same spot. We were raised to the belief that we should avoid the black cat on our path for there will be misfortunes if we failed to do so. Living here in Singapore have given me realizations that I cannot avoid these black cats forever. I also have this soft spot for them since I have taken care a lot of cats when I was young and I pitied that just because of their color that people are avoiding them. Also I saw people (might be the owners) that do not care if they are black. I told then my mother not to discriminate the cat just because of its color. I guess my faith on God has brought me to realizations that all are loved and nothing will hurt us because we have a mighty protector.

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I was often criticize because some notice me going to Confession too often. Well actually I want to have it regularly, at least once a month. They told me why go to confession if you're confessing same sins and isn't it that the Holy Eucharist is already removing our venial sins. I then answer that the church advice us to at least receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation once a year. But that doesn't mean we cannot receive more than one. I further explain that even though I have been confessing same sins, by humbly acknowledging I have committed them and feeling sorry would remind me to strive harder so as not to commit again. It also reminds me that I'm only human and prone to error though it is not an excuse. The key is even how many times I failed not to commit the same sin but I still strive hard and admit to God I'm sinning and ask for His forgiveness. Also there is a special grace in this Sacrament that I felt at peace with the mercy I obtain after doing the penance. 

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Another question I often hear is why do we need to confess our sins to a priest. I guess if one cannot recognize the clergy as successors of the Apostles then they would have the hard time understanding this Sacrament. Jesus himself have given the authority to forgive to the Apostles right before He ascended to heaven. The follow up for this is then why not ask forgiveness directly to God. Well I don't see any wrong with these but the Sacrament itself is instituted by Christ himself because there is grace when we acknowledge we truly sinned. Isn't it pride if we cannot submit ourselves because we think they are just men. It is true humility and being truly sorry I guess is what being practice here.

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Another I often hear is salvation are for those who received Christ in their lives and that God is always forgiving. We Catholics are often criticize because not only we just receive Christ but also do good works to attain salvation. I was guilty of doing good works before to get my rewards in heaven. My thinking then was the more good works the more chances I will be in heaven. My renewal in my faith have help me understand and established my relationship with Christ that I want to go to heaven simply because I want to be with Him. And sinning is avoided since sins separate us from Him. True repentance means turning away from sins. So even if we say God is always forgiving, sinning again and again without true repentance is cheating. Also the salvation is already given to each one us. Yet what is our response to that love.  

Fasting and Abstinence

It is Lenten season again and I can't help but remember one of my colleagues here noted us Filipinos for hurting ourselves during this season. I explained to him that actually this practice is discouraged by the church but if this would made these people be at peace then let it be. I often heard that the reason they were doing these was because for their sins to be forgiven. Although others' reason too is for thanksgiving. We as a family practice abstaining from meat every Good Friday. Though before I did this without knowing what it really meant. As I grew up, I continue this practice and even would start on Ash Wednesday. For me my reasons then are as an offering to our Lord and to help me be strong during temptation. I remember reading in the bible that they do burnt offerings for God. So simply by doing fasting and abstinence is my little offering to the Lord. I also learnt from my religion teachers that these practices will also help us to say no during temptation. I think the logical reason for these is because we practice to resist pleasures for forty days and usually when temptation comes we would not give in to sin if we can strongly say no. Anyway one of my friends here in Singapore had criticized me for doing this practice before when I still have issues on my faith. She told me I'm abstaining from meat but often failed to hear Sunday Mass. I welcomed that criticism since I did failed to hear Sunday Mass before. That's why it was a great reminder for me that all aspect of my life should be pleasing in the eyes of God. Although I regret not replying to my friend for her goodness sake. Well for her she dutifully hear mass to be forgiven from her sins especially during those times she was living with her boyfriend on same flat. I know the Holy Eucharist also removes venial sins but I think then that if she is truly sorry for her sins she must go to Confession and acknowledging she committed those, she should have stopped and mend her ways. Well today I have the courage to tell my viewpoint and I'm glad I have that confidence now. I guess it is the grace that God has been giving now that I fully turned to Him. Aside from being strong during temptation and as an offering, I fast and abstain now because I want to unite to the sufferings of our Lord. These little sacrifices though not as grand to what Jesus did on the cross is my simple way of feeling the pain He bear just to redeem us. Without experiencing the pain for me would not truly know the value of what was given to us. That's why looking at the cross now and seeing all the wounds of Christ let me appreciate what He gave us-- His unconditional love.

The Third Commandment

I was watching again the show of the celebrity sister of our president last night and I'm glad that she learned finally what the importance of hearing Sunday mass. I recall that she told the viewers previously that she went to church every Monday because that was the only time she can due to her hectic schedule and assumed that it was okay. Well the Holy Eucharist does gives a great grace and daily attendance is still one of my goals but I cannot do diligently since I cannot catch the last mass of the day. I also remember how my mother before also told me it didn't matter if we hear mass on Monday instead of Sunday since it is still a mass. Though I encourage her to do it every Sunday diligently and remind her of  the Third Commandment. I agree on what the celebrity sister told yesterday about it. That with all the blessings God has been giving us everyday, He only asked for just one hour of our Sunday yet we have so many complains and alibi to do so. I guess an established relationship with Him will make a difference. I for once neglected this practice of worshiping Him when I have some issues. But upon having a connection to Him again, that going to Mass is just like going for a date. I have this joy inside me and even would dress up nicely just for Him. My accident recently prevented me in going to church early this year. I opted to hear via television or online streaming. There were Sundays though that I failed to do these.  I then confess these failure to attend and glad that I am forgiven for missing this great sacrifice and worshiping the Lord. Nevertheless the homily last Sunday of Father Terrence made me think when he mentioned that the commandments given are not a Law but an order. I then think what he meant. Perhaps putting it as a Law means there are punishments when we don't adhere. But our God is merciful that a contrite heart is enough to obtain His forgiveness. I guess the commandments are there to bring order in our lives. I need to discuss these further with Sister Linda my spiritual adviser. I can't wait to visit her again and learn so many things about God. 

Honour Thy Father and Mother

I thought back then that honouring my father and mother includes complete obedience to whatever they wishes and disregarding my own opinions. Unlike my siblings, I didn't grew up with them. That's why I tried hard to have a connection with them. Or perhaps due to the wrong notion that I have to completely obey them  that most of my adolescent years I just chose to follow. My spiritual adviser thinks I have abandonment syndrome. Though I told her many times I am convinced the reason I have to be with my grandparents was because of my parents were working hard for our family. Don't get me wrong. They just want for me to have the best and I'm grateful for what they did. But I felt I don't have the voice and that I cannot run my own life. Although we only have connection when I was already a young adult. I have harbored a lot of resentments on them running my life and making major decisions  that I guess was one of the reasons I have depression.When I finally understood that honouring them is not just giving them all the right in my life then came another issue. That is, how to respond to them without disrespecting. It's been my struggle for several years now which I continually pray that I have the courage to tell what inside me and also to remind them that I have my own life to live. I understand that they simply love their children that sometimes they overdo and forget that we are already adult. My father particularly told me that they didn't let us experience in our early lives the difficulties that they are hurting now since they cannot shield us from the pains of life itself. Nevertheless I chose to forgive and still honor them as my parents. I'm not blinded by hatred but also saw how much they care even by just small things they do. In the end we can still live in harmony even with opposite principles and  views because we have love to bind us together.

The Modern Prophet

I have read about the prophets in the bible and it appeared to me that they were messengers of God, warning of something to happened in the future. I then concluded that in our time to be called as a prophet must have the gift of prophecy. I still didn't have the full understanding of this gift so I cannot claim if I have it.

Last night during my prayer time I was reading the Didache and the reflection came from Alvin Barcelona. He is one of my favorite preachers in Light of Jesus Family simply because I find him entertaining and his style of preaching is easy to be understood by commoners. I can relate too much without being too hard on myself. What I realized last night was, by promoting the truth that is upholding it and correcting others means one is also a prophet. I've been learning a lot of ways how to correct others without stepping on their ego. But certainly I would not just keep quiet if I know one has been twisting what Jesus taught. Many in our time now interpret the bible differently and so arise debates among denomination who claim that they are following Jesus Christ. I guess one really not need to have the gift of prophecy to authenticate God's message to each one of us but the one who is living the Gospel is the real modern day prophet.

The Chopsuey Faith

I know we all have our differences and also certain uniqueness. But in terms of calling yourself a Christian especially a Catholic sometimes makes me wonder if this is applicable. I once heard a priest who describe us Filipinos to have a chopsuey faith. It is because we tend to borrow from other belief and practice them but still call ourselves Catholics. There are belief on karma, charms especially for prosperity, horoscope and fortune telling, fear of lamang luma so we must pay respect, etc. For instance the celebrity sister of our dear President is noted for her devotions as a Catholic and even would feature different churches, praying there with all her staff and guests. But she is also noted as an avid supporter of feng shui and fortune telling. I even heard her saying each one of us is entitled to have our own belief. This pertains to another celebrity whom she guested and also have charms and buddhas in her home but also have religious statues. I remember how me and my mother has several encounters because of this topic. I told her you are not a chinese so why perform all the rituals during eve of chinese new year. Or even believe on luck brought by charms and what the future holds for her (or for us) brought by astrology and fortune tellers. Or believing on karma when something bad happened. This is what I meant as calling yourself Catholic but your belief has some mixed conceptions of another. I always believe that a true Catholic would follow what the church teaches and believe that it is from Jesus Christ himself. And most of all by now as an adult one must know his/her God. Nevertheless who am I to judge. Perhaps it all depends on what kind of relationship we have with God. What I can only do is to remind them given a chance on what is the truth. For instance I told my mother recently that I don't believe on good luck charms/prosperity charms but I certainly believe on God's blessings. This has stopped her in performing rituals during chinese new year's eve.   

Catholics and the Sign of the Cross

My roomie is perplexed on the reason why do we Catholics make a sign of the cross when leaving the church. She told me that her teacher back in St. Scholastica, a Catholic school in Manila has told them that dipping your fingers to the holy water and making sign of the cross means leaving your sins there. So her question now is why again dip your hand upon leaving. Does that mean you're taking all the sins again? I just smiled back then and I don't want to give any comment on the reason I do it since I don't want to argue and it would be my words versus her teacher. I also have this respect  on teachers for I know they knew better and also simply I have not ask that before and really don't know the catechism about it. My own reason why I'm doing it is simply out of respect since it is the house of God. 

Indeed we are blessed to be in the digital age where every information is just in one click. I search in Catholic website regarding this topic and I remember back in our grade school I also have a teacher who has told us that if the host has stick to the upper portion of your mouth means you're a sinner. Then on the next day she told us to forget whatever she said. I then realized that perhaps one of my classmates might report it to her parent and the school authority learned it and reprimanded her. She then told us that she is not the right person to teach on the matters of faith. I then concluded that there are teachers who would tell their students these superstitious beliefs and we students will bring that belief up to our adolescent and will get confused. Thanks to my curiosity and eagerness to learn that I do search on reliable sources for answers. 

The Sign of the Cross - we profess the deepest mysteries of Christian Faith: The Trinity - the Father, the Son and Holy Spirit... yes I knew this but reminding me once again upon reading it gave me a big laugh. I remember too back in college I have a Protestant professor who told us not to make sign of the cross as respect for other religions. Though one of my classmates answered him back 'how about our faith?' It is ridiculous that other religion would ask for respect on their faith while trying to stop us Catholics on practicing our own. By signing ourselves we not only profess that we are Catholics but also our firm belief on the victory of Christ made on the cross and also about the Trinity.

So why make the Sign of the Cross upon entering and exiting the church?

In order to participate in the great sacrifice of the Mass, you need to be baptized. Using holy water to sign yourself is saying "I am a baptized Christian and I am authorized to participate in this sacrifice." 

When you make the sign of the cross when you leave, you say that the Mass never ends — your whole life is participating in Christ's sacrifice.  

I read a lot more about this and this simple question has lead me to many answers that enlighten me more. To summarize: The sign of the cross is: a confession of faith; a renewal of baptism; a mark of discipleship; an acceptance of suffering; a defense against the devil; and a victory over self-indulgence. 

Recent Life Lessons

There were still times that I would cry my heart out, being pessimistic and would tell God not to talk to me, let me be alone. But the difference now is, after dwelling to such feelings I would turned to prayer, offering all the negativity inside me and leave everything to God. I admit to Him my shortcomings and what I think I'm only capable of. To my amazement, after awhile I could feel joy inside me, removing all the anxiety once there and an understanding of my current dilemma. I would then have an inspiration that perhaps I just need to change my views, adjust a little bit and things would be fine again.

I still have these struggles in dealing with my mom. Acknowledging how different we are have made it too difficult to just accept her views. I learned though to just smile even if that would criticize my own effort. I also learned  that I don't have to tell her all my hurts and frustrations especially if that would include how she raised me. I know she will get hurt and although my aim is just to let her know my feelings too is not a good idea. She is entitled of respect and I would give her that. Having an opened relationship with my parents may not include pouring all the pains and hurts they have given me but keeping in my mind also how much they loved me and even though they are not perfect there are efforts and I should see that every day. I bow down now to love them more especially my mother. Even if she is driving me nuts. I think it is part of being old that she forget more often the details and even would tell stories over and over again. Nevertheless I still hold my ground for keeping my faith and my values. For example she has this habit of gossiping that I told her to stop doing it especially if she is the one initiating it. For instance I don't want her to create an atmosphere in our current flat where she would be enjoying talking about stories of my past flatmates and their life and irritating habits. Neither do I force her to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation and Eucharist. I let the Lord knocks in her heart. Even though she joined me every Sunday mass but she would not receive the body of Christ nor join me on confession. I invited her from time to time but I don't lecture her anymore. I remember the last time we have an argument about it and I feel hurt being branded as religious fanatic. It is her issue and it is between her and God. All I can do is pray for her. It is not a sign of resignation but believing on the mighty power of God. Yes He is so mighty that He can change even the heart of stone. That is why I'm also no longer affected too if there are so many different religions. I know God has a plan in saving everyone. He did saved us long ago on the cross and I don't have to think now how each would received that salvation. I'm not the Redeemer. I can only pray and share His love and the rest lays on the person's hands if s/he will accept Him. I guess it is one of the reasons too that I have now peace.

Love and Differences

I always have these apprehensions before that whenever the topic of religion was brought up among friends with different denominations my defensive wall was up and I could feel the redness on my face, hoping I would not burst into anger or into tears even. I became sensitive on this area that I became obsessed to acquire many knowledge about the Catholic faith so I could join any debate and even hit a witty remarks. I have this feeling of victory whenever I could find some errors on others' statements but also cannot comprehend why they still stick on their denomination in spite of. After many years of renewal and really accepting God's love, I finally understood what LOVE means. I no longer enjoy joining on any debate nor pointing out false statements about God. I  learned to be a listening ear, to understand their hurts and pains and be simply their friend. I can now explain my knowledge about God in a manner where I would retell my own story on how He changed me and my life. I don't need to brag my knowledge about Him but instead have the humility to express His greatness as a loving Father. We may have different approach to evangelize and convince others that our God is the true God. But then I finally understood what Jesus has been teaching about loving your neighbor and I guess that is the most efficient way of evangelization.