Brand New Day

I have survived another day and seems the black cloud hovering over my head has left for awhile. Been anxious in the past few days and seems my prayers were not enough. What actually I did was not just surrender to God but just feel the pain then watch it as it go. I'm guilty of denial before. That I should not feel the pain and always just think on how I can be a better person for other people. Yes it is right to think of other people but I neglected myself, my feelings, my right to live, my dignity as a person. That's why claiming those hurts have helped me these years to claim my dignity and to know who I am. Though dwelling on those feelings were negative and seems very destructive but surpassing that stage is like breathing fresh air and make me appreciate life more.

I have pledge on the grave of my grandmother that I would show my love more to my parents especially to my mother, her daughter. I have this regrets of not really giving my time and affection to my late grandmother and I felt that by just giving back and loving my parents she would be happy. Through the years it has been a struggle for  me since I said before I'm too different from them especially to my mother. But each day as I'm given opportunity to live with them have also given me the chance to be patient and understanding. I learned to just give way and understand their wisdom then also share my own. In times my views are not accepted I just bow down and let it be. It has been never easy and I'm always in tug of war that I always think how should I improve on dealing with them. Always keeping in mind how can I make them happy especially now they are old. This morning I realized that from that simple pledge I became to accept my parents even their flaws. I learned to love them as persons as they are without thinking I'm just doing these for my grandmother. It all started there but establishing relationship with them makes me appreciate them more as my parents and not just people who introduced me to this world.

In the community, the recent hand over have given me bigger task as a household head. Though I still dig deeper in my heart if I have the right to complain that the hand over is not done properly. I know we are friends but I guess a little respect and understanding that the service we are doing also consume our time and effort, and giving your role to somebody because you are also undergoing some struggles and cannot perform, you should also consider the person you will give that role to. I mean our service is not just easy because it involves relationships and leading these people to Christ , that a simple text message is enough for the transition. I even gave an analogy that at work we are oblige to give one month notice if we want to resign yet here I'm not given even a day notice and I'm not paid even. Another is I felt awkward to just announce to the group I'm their new leader in the presence of their past leader. Isn't it the proper way is for her to introduce me to the group? Or should be our immediate superior that will handle the hand over if it would be difficult for her. I still don't know how to draw a line between friendship and etiquette but I guess that's me. I can be your best friend in good times and bad times but I only demand a little consideration. Perhaps the old saying that your real friends don't need these etiquette and they can just barge in to your life and mess around are not applicable to me this time. But the service is not about me.. This concerns people whom we are leading back to the faith. Time is essential to hand over these people because understanding each of their concerns is not easy too. Or perhaps it is just me. But this is my style of leadership. This is my style of giving my service to God. If my philosophy on these are right, I don't know. But these have added to my anxiety though I just breathe out all the negativity and now I'm okay to perform. Holding to the promise that God will help me along the way.