The Gifts

It has been years that I've been trying to search and study about the gift of prophecy and discernment of the spirits. Since I joined the charismatic community last 2005 I desired for these gifts. I want to join during communal prayers the inspirational messages each has been sharing. My fervent seeking and studying especially about my Christian faith paves the way for finally understanding these gifts. Perhaps today again is God's time to reveal these things to me. 

It is my one of my traits to seek and study especially the truth. I hate lies though there were times I'm caught off guard and commit same sin. I'm far away to be a saint. But my love for truth only means I always want to uphold it. And through the years I learned to uphold it in a gentle manner, especially on tough situations. I keep on my mind WWJD or What would Jesus do. I make sure what will come out is love and peace, and that I'm not promoting chaos or disharmony. Simply because I want to share Jesus to others that I make sure His presence is felt in me. These very traits of continues study and upholding the truth are among the manifestations of prophecy. It is said that in OT there were prophets to proclaim the Word or the coming of Jesus while in NT after Jesus ascension, these prophets became teachers, teaching what Jesus taught. I once a catechist and would like someday to be one again. Although my role now is not really a teacher but in every conversation I can't help but to share my learnings on my faith especially to those who are close to me. In my small group I even want to implement knowledge sharing and open discussion so that everybody will get nourish. Although in one of my readings there is still a trait of knowing the future but this is not the main one.

Another trait I have is to be able to realize if God is at work or not. Even before renewal I have unconventional thinking on things and practices. And even though mine is among the unpopular ones it amazes me when during my studies it will come out that my unconventional thinking is what align on the church's teachings. There are also some readings and situations presented to me that I can point out if it is good or if it is erroneous. There were some occasions too that I can see, feel, smell and hear unusual things. Though the effect at first was fear but through prayers I became brave and just completely ignore them. Though according to my readings it can be that there is something evil going on. I do my investigations to actually check where it is coming from or am I just hallucinating. 

In the end, mine may be just a little bit of the gifts of prophecy and discernment. But I feel so special knowing these and finally claiming I have them now. I feel so special that I really felt loved. It motivates me to perform more because He truly equipped me. Well I really can say Praise God Its Friday!

Changes

For quite sometime I have a head on battle with my past issues. I'm grateful they are now resolved though it is tiring and some sleepless nights. My relationships with other people are great and I'm still functioning well. But I notice this evening I'm a different person. I love it since I can express now my belief and principle freely. And also I don't cringe anymore if someone will object or against them. I just accepted the differences. Yet I'm not enjoying. I should re-apply again and again all the lessons and what I have written on my books. I'm so focus on sharing God's love verbally that I forgot to enjoy it for myself. And so I hear His tiny voice this time saying relax, have some fun, let me do the job. If given the opportunity I will testify His great love. But if not then enjoy life and stop forcing myself to share Him. It will just come naturally. He is really amazing. I guess I finally understood what Sister Linda told me to 'play' instead. 

The Battle is Over

I feel agitated when I felt that other people were talking about me. I associated it like a disease. That  it is the first sign that my depression will kick in. Yes that feeling added to the issues I already battling in. I'm a private person and I already lose trust and cut ties before to friends that I heard been talking about me. For me I am back stabbed. It's more than ten years I've been suffering with this dilemma that even everywhere I go and even I don't know the people I still felt I am known. And realizing these I really felt I am sick. My ex BF told me before to just listen to the music whenever  I feel that way. A few years back I came up with the idea how to counter this dilemma. Although I struggle and fight so hard to control the feeling but I keep in my mind I can only relate to the topic they were discussing. I keep on telling myself I am not a celebrity. It helped for sometime but to the people I know it seems not easy to just ignore. My BFF Anne has given me recently a wonderful idea. I just laugh so hard when she said 'Eh di famous!' Which then I finally understand that people will always talk about other people. I cannot control such things even if they say about me is either good or bad. I'm not a public figure and I want privacy. I've been raised that saying something about a person should not be shared with the group but to the person involve or you are promoting gossip or back stabbing the person. There should be proper venue for everything and courtesy should be always shown. But I realize I've been too hard to myself. Or perhaps everything is case to case basis. Anyhow, Jesus came to save and not to condemn. I am not condemn by being the center of attention or so I assume. What I only mean is to stay open and don't be affected by the differences. What the big lesson for me here is, if I wanted to share Jesus then I should be ready to open my life to the public. What I mean is people will keep on noticing me because I bear Jesus in my heart and I am His child. It is part of God's will and He is using me to lead these people back to Him.. in some way. I am imperfect but I can show each and everyone I have a perfect, loving God.

Understanding One Another

I then realize there were times a simple question why would mean differently to people. For instance I came from long vacation and a colleague has bought a wand. I asked why he bought the wand. My other colleague misinterpreted my why and told me to just let him be since he wants it. I then just keep quiet and didn't defend myself. For me I just wanted to know the plain reason and no hidden motives or to mock him. I'm actually hinting it is because of the Harry Potter fever. Well it is just actually initiating a small talk. Then there was also a time a friend did not attended a wake where most of us do. And since her husband is on different religion that she explained the reason was because of the different belief. I then again ask why. Then she shouted at me saying I should respect other's faith. I have then the courage to defend myself. I told her that I don't have intention of insulting the belief. I'm actually curious and want to learn more. I just want to know their practice, the reason behind it, that's it. I really don't know what is the moral lesson of these experiences. But all I know is to simply say my intentions than just keeping quiet. Then they will know and won't judge me for the misinterpreted actions. Then understanding one another is just in our grasp.

Future in His Hands

The very first time I heard about the Third Order I was so much glad. Simply because I always have the desire to enter the convent but cannot do so and I thought that at least I'm a member of the order even as laity. Though I am quite disappointed that there is no third order for the order which the Pink Sisters belong, both here in SG and PH. I first attended the Lay Dominicans. It is relaxing since we're meeting in the home of Father David and since it is a small group that interaction is quite intimate. Perhaps my shyness and inferiority complex have been a big factor why I didn't pursue since I felt my knowledge is so far from the group and I'm not that articulate. I prefer to listen whenever there are new learnings. But I'm really impressed with the knowledge and wisdom the order have. I then tried the Discalced Carmelites. Deep in my heart if ever, I also want to belong to the order of St. Therese one of my favorite saints. Nevertheless I struggle to come since I have the hard time attending for the timing was morning and due to distance. They also have strict attendance compliance that I have been struggling to keep. So I then tried finally the Lay Canossians. The nuns I met were the best and I felt it is really home. I like the retreats they have and even the small gatherings where I also learned something new. But then again I have struggles to attend regularly since the conflict then was my work. There were times I cannot attend the small gatherings which they decided not to include me to their enrollment as new member. I like to join this order since I was told that the formation is on my own phase and also their mission statement which I finally adopt as my mission too. So then I decided to quit searching for the third order to join. I just leave to God if there will still a time I can join one in the future and if it is my calling.

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I then continue to be a member of Singles for Christ and even open myself up to the other members. I tried to understand each and able to focus on establishing relationship to some. My hunger to learn more about the faith I do it on my own by reading and also by consultations with my spiritual adviser. Nevertheless since I have joined the community in my late thirties that I felt I'm too mature for them. I have this apprehension for possible transition to Handmaid of the Lord. Though they assured me that I can still stay if I think I don't need to transfer. Again in the next few years I don't know if I'm still SFC but all I know is I've learned a lot especially by just being a listening ear and be there for those in need. I guess God has called me to be here to mold me to become a better person and be with His people. Where He will He bring me next, I don't know. He help me also to continue trusting Him and His will for me.

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Even though I'm a permanent resident I still have qualms if I will stay here for the rest of my life. Simply because I don't have a place I could say I own, I only get contract jobs, and life here is expensive, being the most expensive city in the world. But what I like here is the security, that even on wee hours I can feel I'm safe to be outside my flat. Also even how multi-cultural or diversified the people living here there is respect and compassion. I can feel the concern of every person even strangers which I seldom experienced back in PH. I still don't know what will be my future like. But I just place it on His hands knowing wherever He take me I will be happy, safe and secured. And if struggles come I know He is also there.

In the meantime, I will savor the moments of the present. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

True Patriots

It was always a thought that whenever one changes his citizenship that he doesn't have loyalty to the country he was born into. We have this version in saying: "Ang hindi marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan ay hindi makakarating sa paroroonan" or in English "One who cannot recognize where he came from will have difficulty in achieving his goals." I often hear the joke that we lose our patriotism as Filipinos if we settled to another land. I have in my heart to go back in Manila someday. First because my family is there. Life is also good to hear your native tongue everyday. And of course the life that I am used to. Nevertheless having second thoughts is also not unusual. How many times I got frustrated especially to the system and the society itself. There is no discipline among the people and crime is also prevalent. It is so frustrating that government just continue to be useless even of so many promises during campaign period. How many times I have lose hope that there will be progress. Then perhaps leaving your own country is not losing patriotism. As long as you're grateful that once upon a  time you have lived there but due to some reasons chose to find another land where life is favorable. This is my second home and I'm glad my parents are now okay to be with me here and have not talked about bringing also my siblings. It is all I wanted. I cannot carry big responsibilities anymore. Though I also wanted to have my sibling too but they are now adult, have their own life and if they want to also be here then they should find the way. Then realize that love is not just giving your all but also letting your love ones stand in their own two feet. After all real love is not just being dependent to another.

Are We Free?

After the fall of men, we are sent in this world full of sufferings. It is one of my many questions before why suffering is prevalent. Where is God? Why He let us suffer? Why also good people suffer? I go back to the very beginning. Adam and Eve were banished because of disobedience. The question then is are we truly free if we need to obey God. For one God reveal Himself to us and recognizing Him in the middle of the noise in this world is a challenge. Why He called for obedience? Jesus is the ultimate example of this. Following Him would mean obtaining an eternal life. Nevertheless whatever our choices are and no matter how many times we fail Him, up to the end He is our Father. His love never ends. Why? Simply because He is our Creator and we are His children.

The Good Deeds

How many times I hear that while doing good works we not need to announce. Almost everyone who is caught telling his/her good deeds are being branded as hypocrite. This is often link to the story of the Pharisees who are show offs in their works for God. For me this is a case to case basis. I mean it is call of humility and true love if one would do these things in discrete. But there are times that we tell stories to other people especially on younger ones so as to inspire them and encourage them to do the same. It is a matter of setting the right tone and of course your motives in doing so. Remember not to brag or lecture but only to set as a good example. Another is to let other people understand your ways and respect your choices. For example, I've been fasting and a colleague offered me something that I cannot eat that day. I turned her down gently and explained it is part of my practice as Catholic. Another is telling story about my sponsored child in World Vision. This is not to brag that I'm sponsoring for education of a poor child but to seek more who would be interested in doing the same. In doing so, more poor children will be blessed.

But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. Matthew 6:3

The Anointed

Often heard from Christians outside the Catholic Church that Jesus did not founded or built a religion . But He only wants relationship with us. I agreed on the statement that Jesus indeed wants a relationship with us and perhaps religion is not a factor. For one, it is on how we live and how we have shown our love and compassion. It is His very commandment to love one another as I have loved you. He is our healer, our brother, our friend. But as I noticed the bible passages, God called different people to lead such as Abraham, Moses, David, Solomon and among others. If Christ did not established a religion before He ascended then I think we're not talking the same God here. What I mean by this is this. The very consistent trait of God is to anoint someone to lead His people. Why? Simple. Because He is a God of order. He want us to be guided and live as peacemakers. How chaotic it is if everybody would claim that leadership. It is clear in the bible that Jesus anointed the apostles. And only the Catholic Church traced their link with them as St. Peter the first Pope. About the existence of antipope in our history, there was never a time the church did not have the elected pope. Well this is my analysis. Everybody is entitled with their own.

The Staff

I have survived another attack of depression through the help of close friends. They may not know how huge help I got by simply giving their time listening and a word of advice. Although most I did was to unload all the hurts and worries but their insight on the matter with their own wisdom and based on personal experiences have given me realization and help me to move on. I'm certainly thankful and express my gratitude. Also been grateful for all the prayers I know my community is always doing.

I've grumbled a lot since I've been looking my place in my mother's life. I've seen and even pointed out to her, of her being impartial to us, her children. I pointed out to her that our youngest is always inside her head. I know she is the one mostly in need right now because she is young and still not stable. But all of us have our needs and weaknesses and somehow I want to check where I am standing in her life. She always told me all of us our equal. But I'm not blind to notice too that she treated each one of us differently. I knew we have different personality and  I know it is a tough job for mothers to adjust to the differences of her children. Nevertheless I just felt I've been insecure for I felt there was no recognition for all the good things I've done especially the effort of being a good daughter. One time I asked her what she remember as I grow up to this day. She remembered being my first teacher up to my kindergarden then somehow she is lost because the succeeding years I can say I'm then studying alone. I just told her I've got difficulty on my Chemistry and Physics subjects, grateful that my father was there to help me. She too admitted she hate Physics too. Then she noted that I'm more attached with my boyfriends and finished her story. I felt that until now she still not understood what happened to me and why I've been into relationship in such young age. What make me sad is all my efforts of helping the family is not recognized. She often says I'm the one who cannot recognize. I shove away all the negativity. I still have that feeling that I don't have the place in my mother's life just like my youngest sister whom she always remember even during times I want her to buy something. Grateful for my friend to make me realize that my mother was used to me being there for her. That in my presence she is rest assured she can give more love to my younger siblings and can be a special person as she can be. I then associated myself as her staff, helping her move around and give her confidence that she is a great mother indeed. And that is the best place I wanted to be...

Happy Easter

Easter often commemorates the Resurrection of Jesus. It is often celebrated with colorful eggs because it means rebirth. Often heard it is the best time of the year to change for the better. Nevertheless for me the real essence of this day is the triumph that Jesus did to win us over death. This is the most important day in any Christian. Far more important than Christmas. It is said that without the Resurrection, then Christmas has no meaning. Jesus will just remained a historical figure or even perhaps a lunatic rabbi who is suffering from grandeur ideas. Yet up to this time Christmas is still the most joyous season of the year. But I don't mind the silent celebration. I appreciate the simplicity and quietness. For one, there is not much deviation since the only competitor here is the easter bunny. Unlike during Christmas there is Santa Claus and the like. I am really thankful that I was found by the Master who has no degree yet the most powerful, mighty one.

A Very Good Friday Indeed

I volunteered as a member of the choir last Good Friday for the pre-sanctified Mass. My takeaway in the service are as follows: 1) Jesus died on the cross not only because it is the will of God but most important is because of God's love. 2) Often heard that why do we Catholics crucify Jesus over and over again. Father Justin analogy on this is when LKY died the whole SG nation mourned. Jesus is not just a leader or historical figure. He is more than that so how much more we commemorate this day. Good Friday is our declaration of Independence. This is our victory when Jesus win us over sins and death. 3) This is to remind us to be Christ to the world. As long as there is suffering, persecution, and indifference we are called to be that love for everyone. 

We cannot find real love on Valentines day but during Good Friday.

I am His Warrior

I can still remember that in one of my anxiety attacks I was caught of crying because I can feel that my family is not united in our faith and that deep inside me I'm afraid I might not see them to where I will go. I tried so hard to digest and instill in my mind that each has a separate journey and all of us our entitled on our faith choices. From then I learned to let go and put my trust in the Lord. There is nothing wrong with these lessons but through the years I felt alone. A lone warrior of the Lord. As I journey in this called life and I get into trouble of depression there is only one who will come to my rescue.. my knight in the shining armor - The Lord. Though He only let His presence known on my readings, through nature and if I'm really in big trouble there is a person which He will send to let me realize I am not alone. It was always a tug of war and these people whom He sent I understand have their own lives to manage and sometimes there are not there for me. The many opinions and commentary regarding our faith even in same denomination have caused me to just label mine as unconventional since most of the time mine is not among the majority. But only surprise later on that mine is align on the teachings of the Catholic Church. I've attended last night for the first time CLP training for DGL/aDGL. I'm quite surprise why I have not attended before since it will the third time I'll serving as DGL next Sunday. My takeaway though is that we on matters of faith should not be based on opinions but on the truth. And lastly it warmed my heart when I heard that we are in spiritual battle and we as warriors of Christ are together in this battle. I then realize I'm not fighting alone. I appreciated so much the gesture of my housemate to accompany me going home than to go with his original plan. Simply because we are friends. I  then felt that all of these people with me battling with purpose I'm rest assured that I will see them where I will go. Then I got the feeling I want an assurance that my family will be there too.