Being Single

I guess I have passed the stage where I fret on why still being single all these years. Once I was also among young women who are asking what is wrong with me and why men seems not to notice me. It seems I passed already my younger years where I was attractive and could easily get suitors. I'd also lamented that perhaps I'm not a wife material that is why men don't propose to me. Today I really don't care if I will tie a knot or would just stay as a spinster. I admit that before I was afraid to grow old alone and be just like my aunt who is a certified spinster and been a pain in the family. Well for one I know I wouldn't be like her. I would not ask for pity and affection to my siblings who have family on their own. I learned that it is really okay to be independent, knowing what your dreams and able to achieve them and aspire for them. It also not hinder me in loving everyone and I don't have to focus to one person anymore. I'm now enjoying too much of my singlehood now that I might turn down even a proposal that will come. If you want a sure future, it is only you who can make it! I guess because of failed relationships that I learned to value now my time and everything that I have since before I tend to give my all to just one person. I no longer yearned to be loved. Perhaps the key is I am so sure that God loves me that He let me feel secure. I now love myself than anybody in this world would love me. It would really be tough if someone now would come along. He really need to pray and ask permission to my King.

True Service

Ever since childhood I have loved music that I was recognized immediately to have the talent in dancing. Nevertheless I also want to sing though my first attempt was unsuccessful. At young age I was told by my music teacher to lower down my voice since I was out of tune so it won't disrupt the harmony of the group. It discourage me to join in any Glee club but I just sang on my own, copying the singers on their "kulot" and "birit". Little did I know that the constant practice and copying had been my training ground. I don't believe my parents for acknowledging my good voice and letting me sing even to the public. In fact my first ministry when I started serving is dancing still. I have the guts to audition for the Music Ministry for the first time and even though it didn't turn out good since I have full butterflies inside my stomach that I don't hit the high notes as I usually does. I was drafted to be part of Alto. The next trial when I began my music ministry days was to sing with the altos. I have difficulty since its too low and if I'm familiar with the song that I tend just to sing in melody. It makes me quit the whole idea of joining the ministry. I became less visible until I decided to leave for Singapore.

I continue my passion in singing in Singapore and enlisted first as melody in the Music Ministry. I enjoyed ever since the ministry that even last minute practice is not a hindrance to serve. We can still sing with confidence for the Lord. My story above I've been using for friends who want to sing but still out of tune at the moment. I told them once upon a time I was in their shoes but only constant practice made the difference.This year there was a chorale competition. Although we were only four who left in the original Music Ministry since everyone was attending a wedding back home (who is also a member of MM). I was able to joined them on practice twice. I'm quite nervous since I'm doing the soprano this time since they removed the melody. I don't have hard time catching up so I'm in full confidence I can make it on the big day. Nevertheless a day before the competition I backed out. The feelings were no longer healthy and I want to preserve the friendship we have build. I don't want to ruin it just because of the competition.  First, I was disappointed that a friend whom I encouraged to join even though she is not a good singer and even boost her morale that she only needs constant practice, has been agonizing the whole time we were at the airport for the send off of our spiritual nanay. She preferred to practice rather than bid farewell which I found so irritating. Another is I started to joke around saying I would just do melody if I don't know already the voicing. She told me not to since I sing too loud and they will get distracted and will eventually ruined the whole thing. I still make it passed and just say don't worry I actually don't have the hard time catching up, I'm a fast learner. But to my dismay she answered that she is not and she needs a lot of practice and seems she is so frustrated that she is at the airport rather than with the group. This is too much for me so I decided not to joined and just made an alibi because I have not practice that much. Another friend eventually told me it's okay if I have not practice. She told me to just lower my voice during the actual competition. This is an insult! I told her whenever I serve I do it with full performance! They may found my reasons trivial perhaps but the real service comes from the heart. First the relationship is still the most important than talent that you just want to show off. I understand this is their first time to perform where I considered myself as veteran since I've been serving the ministry for three years in the row. But I don't have regrets not joining for until now these friends didn't know the pain they have brought me and for them they glorified the Lord for what they did. I know they did glorified the Lord in their own little ways but hoping they would be sensitive in the future if they want to pursue this craft and able to prioritize people.. That is the true service to God.

Is it time to give up?

Today marks the end of another friendship. I may be at fault but I search in my heart too and find that I just stand on what I think is right. It's difficult whenever you're only seeking for understanding and listening ear and what you get is criticism. I admit that there are times I am careless too with my views that I promised that day when a friend told me to just listen that is, to listen more. I learned the hard way that there are times friends only need my presence. I only speak up when they are willing to hear it. Otherwise life is unfair and I don't get it in return. I really don't know if this is a time for celebration for I'm really exerting time and effort to make our relationship work. I mean she isolate herself and I felt I'm the only friend she left. But realizing we have our first argument has left her to do what I knew she always does. To run away. She even threw hurtful words like she doesn't need me. I moved on pity for a person to just say that. It only means she is hurting a lot and she has nothing right now but herself. I let her know it is just a small misunderstanding and just explain my side why I went beserk. I'm also human and have feelings too. She needs to learn to understand that people around her have feelings and just respond to her actions. What she fail to see is my openness in spite of all that happened.. that its nothing. I have so many friends and we also argue a lot from time to time. Conflict is healthy for me since it only strengthen the friendship. You will better knew and understand your friend and be able to express yourself too by knowing where you stand. Isn't it we are all different?

Sharing Him to the World

I grew up in the environment that I must be responsible with all things I would speak and do. The advantage of this set up is that I became conscious and evaluate critically what need to be shared and what not need to do. Although the disadvantages include difficulty in expressing myself, being reserve and over critical on my mistakes. As I ponder I realize this is the root cause why I had depression because I failed to call attention of my love ones that I have something to say. I bottled up all the feelings inside and all my queries were left unanswered at that time. The only consolation of having depression is that I learn to help myself. I learn to be me, to love myself, to dream again and to find the answers on my questions. As years passed I became confident again and now sure of who I am. Though I am still critical with myself but I tend now to see the benefit of being one. That is to be sensitive too in whatever I say or do and not hurt others. 

I am grateful that all my realizations are align to the faith I have chosen. Recently I ponder why I turned 360 degree regarding God's love. Before, I also felt unworthy to be loved and guilty of self-condemnation. The full acceptance of Christ's love for me by reminding myself everyday that He loves me even if I commit mistakes and even how ugly I am have made a difference. Yesterday a brother has felt that he is unworthy too of God's love. I guess this is common to all of us who are into renewal. I ponder more and as I look back why I am now one of those people who can testify the enormous love of God. As I look at the cross, I know now the answer that no one else can argue. Realizing what Christ did on the cross would convince anybody how much He loves us. Who are we to reject such kind of love. Who are we to say we are unworthy. Yes we are indeed unworthy but many years ago He chose us and He did it already. It is shameful to reject what is now freely given. The unconditional love of Christ on the cross. This morning I saw an inspiring wisdom from famous Christian preacher and I am at awe that he also say something about the cross as a  proof of God's  love. Indeed the truth can always be tested over and over again. I guess I am blessed to have a beautiful mind to think such things and been affirmed by God.

My only challenge  now is to be patient, understanding and merciful to those who are lukewarm and have superficial issues with the Lord. I cringe every time I hear wrong perceptions for I know now His nature. But I guess He have mold me through the years that even though I still have uneasy feelings but I am mindful of my words and actions so to be still lovingly answers my brethren. I still continue on my learnings and my hunger and thirst for God has made a big difference for whatever knowledge I have now. And the best part is, He planted in my heart to share everything to the world.

When God Affirms

These past few days God has amazing ways to reaffirm His presence in my life. For years I've been asking if the experiences that I have and the gifts that I've been claiming are real. For one I was diagnosed to be mentally ill (depression) and it is hard for a person like me to be believed at. Doctors are telling me they are just product of hallucination. Although deep in my heart I know something is there for as I journey, I become hungry with my faith that I further read things about God. My different learnings and discoveries have help me to grow in faith while the so called gifts have helped me to become more prayerful. What excite me most is when my friends out in the blue would confirm something that I may have been prayed or have seen. For instance, yesterday my friend who had decided to quit her job here recently due to health reason and my advice to prioritise her health  first (due to my vision of her) has told me a very great news that her doctor informed her there is no need for heart surgery and she can go back to work. This is what we've been praying for. And it is amazing how God works wonderfully. Early this morning I have the chance to chat with another friend who have invited me previously to charismatic renewals. We were able to compare notes regarding our experiences during baptism and I cannot imagine how the experience has been the same and replicated. It is truly the work of the Holy Spirit! Our experiences are so similar that all my doubts have been cleared. Indeed God affirmed the deepest claim in my heart and all I need is to believe on that. There are things unexplainable to science and may be supernatural to some. But to true believers there is nothing impossible when there is faith.

Proud Catholic

Being raised as Catholic, I have embrace the faith since I was young and has been my foundation in learning more about Jesus Christ. Although it also came a point in my life where I question the religion and attempted to look for other faith. My criteria however is to know which one is holding the truth. I only wanted to worship a true god. Nevertheless I remain Catholic still for one thing. I find it that the teaching of the church is consistent, strong and really introduce me to a merciful God. Whenever I have questions on religious practices I make sure I will do research to understand more and contemplate what it has done in my life. I have qualms though for other Catholics who are lukewarm to the faith. Being the cradle of Catholicism, our country nevertheless has people just born Catholics but mostly doesn't understand the essence of being one. I am proud of my faith that I feel disappointed when I hear fellow Catholics criticize our clergy without really exerting effort in understanding the doctrine. They are playing smart alecs by also quoting other religions' stand. For me if you have questions then find the answers. Don't just be lay back and grumble. If you're not happy then leave. 

Yesterday a friend has asked me a question that she cannot understand the penance the priest is giving during Confession. Why sometimes there are three Hail Mary or one Our Father. For her isn't it enough to just ask for forgiveness. I search in my heart that if I wouldn't answer her question it would be one of those moments of regrets that I have not defended the faith and not been able to share the Lord's message. So I honestly told her I really don't know the explanation right now since I didn't ask that before but for me what it does is to persevere in my prayers. Sometimes I even have penance to pray a decade of rosary or fifteen minutes contemplation and what it does is to bring me closer to God. I further said that the Hail Marys are not just formula prayer. When we constantly pray and have perseverance there is a meaning for every Hail Mary, Our Father or Glory be. I further research later for the answer of her question and my answer is somewhat close. I learned that it is being given for us to atone in our sins. Yes it would help us to contemplate and be in union with God. Indeed for every prayer there is a meaning to it if we have establish the connection to our Father. Isn't it the Lord Jesus taught us the Our Father and even the angel have uttered Hail Mary. What surprise me is my own question why the priest in one time didn't give me penance. The answer was if the priest felt that the person is sincere in asking forgiveness then no need for penance. I felt good that our parish priest felt that way and truly if we are really asking for forgiveness we could feel it in our heart and we won't question that we may think are just superficial but find in our heart why indeed it has been done. Being critical sometimes have good result but only if we are also persistent in finding the answers and understanding the whys.

Challenges of Service

Tomorrow is again the Baptism in the Holy Spirit and as usual I've been facing tougher challenges. I almost forgot it is a week before it. I just remember when I have difficulty on sleeping the other night and seems things are hard and not going my way where in the last few weeks it seems everything is running smoothly. I don't know if the belief of the existence of Satan has let things haywire and crazier each day. Attributing to him all the oppression and seems endless though I know the Lord will redeem me in the end. All I need is to hold on, pray and just do my best. Last night is the Tongues Workshop in preparation for tomorrow. I received already the gift last 2005 in a different community but my only problem is if there is anybody in the room who can interpret it. My worries then was if I will utter again disappointment to the Lord just like last year when Father Curran heard my tongues. But I lift everything in the Lord because I really don't care what is the result. In my heart I only want to love Him and praise Him and just answer the call of service. I was humiliated though because I have a wrong understanding and perception on the rules of praying over. I felt that my team leader has wrong reason to take over but only to know she is just following the rule. Perhaps I've been also regarding myself not acceptable to the standard of the world that I always do self pity and classified myself as second citizen. But I fight the feeling now by being vocal, accepting my mistakes and still smile. I know I tried hard to understand even if the people around me just told me to give up and stop. For them if something will just make me confuse then just stop. Yes stop for awhile but I tend to seek and look for the answer for the truth will set me free. Yes it always does. Though I admit there are things unknown really and only faith is the answer. But I hold on the best logical explanation even. I guess it is really hard for intelligent and analytical people to live the faith. But I'm rest assured the Lord loves me still because I heard His message last night: striving for holiness is alright, doesn't matter how many times I failed.

Free

I felt so good these past few days that I am convince I am really healed. Criticisms are still there and oppression are my daily struggles. But the grace of God sustains me to overcome such. I realize it is okay if there are negative reactions. What important is how do I really deal with it. I admit before I have hot temper and harsh to people who I believe are in the wrong side of the fence and been abusing my goodness or stepping on my rights. But now I can say I have hold that temper, able to just breathe out all the negative feelings, then later act for a better good. I still do stand for what I think is truth. I hate lies. I hate dishonesty. But now I'm more prayerful and careful to choose my words. Although there maybe times hurts cannot be prevented. But I guess it is still love. For love only rejoices on the truth. 

I remember before I lose my identity that I've been asking my love ones to describe me. I've got irritated remarks so I journey on my own. Little by little, I was able to know myself, my likes, dislikes, wants, needs, my own principles, my dreams. Through past hurts I learned how to be firm on my principles and what I believe on. People often based their respect if they see you clearly on your stand. They wouldn't understand why you would behave the opposite and the reason was just because you love them. I learned also that through these I would love myself more since I see my worth as a person but not also stepping on others. I am so happy to move freely, express my ideals, my opinions even if it is unconventional thinking. In the end, friends are able to see things somehow in my perspective and it boost my ego since I conclude then that I'm not really weirdo. I have so many things inside my head since I love to learn that sometimes they cannot understand my language. Simply because they don't know the idea behind my proposition. I guess it is a wonderful gift from God to uncover the mysteries in this world and be able still to glorify Him and share to other people.

His Perfect Time

I was simply amazed to hear testimonies yesterday of God's goodness. As I look back, year 2014 for me has been a big change especially on my career where I was given a new role as IT Analyst where my responsibility only is to ensure that the system is running 24/7. That is, to manage the servers, report any bugs to the application team and perform analysis, helpdesk or user support for the employees, documentation. The tasks are somewhat new to me and I find it easy compare to my previous job of development and designing software where I have to meet deadlines and also do bug fixing. My job here may be short-lived but the Lord has different plans to my amazement. He moved me to a better place and even gave me my long time dream -- to be a Business Analyst. What is fascinating about this again new role is that my work does not demand too much of my functional knowledge on the system but only as verifier. This is to ensure that the data maintenance done is correct. This morning my big boss asked me if I want to learn a new system and decided to train me. I felt overwhelm that it seems in just short time I gained their trust and they even wanted me to handle the latest and biggest system they have which only means they wanted me to stay longer. I am indeed being blessed and taken care of by the Master above and I'm simply so grateful because He really do hear my heart's desires and answers all of them in His own perfect time.

Going for Real

I tend to be hard on myself and also realize I am somewhat so keen on defining things. Even the hard concept in religion (since it is my favorite topic) I tried to search and comprehend every language especially popular in the communities. At first I was surprised and confused to hear such words and cannot comprehend them. I guess my love for God has sometimes became over-spiritual. But as I seek to know and understand the true nature of God only then I realize what His true nature really is and overcome over-spirituality. What do I mean by over-spirituality? For me it is odd belief that everything has been attributed to God. Even simple task like decision making and how to live the life. Well in larger perspective we really need to pray to Him for guidance and inspiration. But it is too much I guess if also our plans in our life we will also depend on Him. We are not robots or minions just to follow every command or a blueprint that lay before us. He even give us freewill. So I guess I am not surprise when there are people who then ask me about their confusion on God's plan for them. They simply cannot choose and decide for their own because they are afraid it is not according to God's plans. Ironically this is not the God I have known. He is so loving and not a dictator. Yes we are free. He only wants goodness for all of us. We can choose whatever we want in our life especially the vocations. Others even become so superstitious that they think harm would come to them if they will fail to pray or pass the chain prayers given to them, or even ask for signs that the Lord has heard their prayers. There are times really that God gives signs. But often it is our faith and rational thinking if the prayer has been really answered. We are given minds to think and we are intelligent enough to evaluate things. I admire those who have courage to express their love for God in every moment of their lives yet they are rational beings. That is why I never ceased to know Him more. Only the truth will set us free. 

My Little Offering

Mixed emotions I have when I received the hard copies of my books. After all the revisions have been made I made it finally and decided peacefully that these are the versions going to be published. I really have low self esteem, very critical of my work that I thought nobody would appreciate it. Though I am really grateful for friends who have shown great support on me. They ordered both copies and willing to pay even if I will charge for royalties. Well unfortunately I am not charging for royalties. It has been my dilemma before if I would charge since it is talent, time and effort I am investing on these projects. I was thinking of having small payment for myself but then ultimately change my decision and made them for free. I only asked for my investment to be paid back. That is the price of each books were the cost of printing, binding and delivery. I also added the extra cost for copies for those selected people who don't have work, the contributors that made the book possible and for people I think would benefit from it but have no interest in matters of faith. It is a noble purpose to offer this talent of writing for the glory of God since the books are more of introducing Him on the reader. But then somehow I have oppression on doing these. One: It seems crazy to do things free for a noble purpose. Two: Only few support me for other friends even noted of being also active on serving God they wanted my books to be free! regardless if I have paid for all the cost of the hard copies. I am working to earn money and also supporting my family, haven't they thought of that? Three: The ideas and realizations inside the books are common and not that mind boggling. It just a simple state of truth that often being neglected.

We are doing as one community the 33 day retreat with St. Louis de Monfort's idea on consecrating oneself to the Blessed Virgin. I was astonished upon reading last night (day two) how St. Louis himself felt sad when the building he made for God has been demolished by his enemies. He wept why God has permitted this to happened where his aim was so noble. Yet now his works are being praised, endorse by Popes as materials leading to God. His will still prevails on him. I just hope that my little works will also touch even a few and lead them back to God. I don't need to be exalted nor my name to be famous but only witness that I really do made a difference is a fulfillment. Nevertheless He planted in my heart that it is alright. He even told me how beautiful my work is! That is enough I guess and the rest is up to Him, how will He truly use me.

Road to Sanctity

My faith journey is a roller coaster ride. I have a close encounter with Jesus when I was sixteen when I fall in love with Him on the mass. Every morning before going to my classes I would pass by the church where there was a mass and say a simple prayer. Growing up has been a struggle for me especially to conform to the norms of the society. I want to be accepted that I don't want to admit I'm among those strong believers of Christ. I justify every sin I committed though deep in my heart I knew them as wrong. My heart was crying when I knew that my soul needs the Healer but I kept on choosing the wrong because I value then the human person more than God. It was a rough and depressing moment in my life but only to be comforted by Him. In all circumstance He never failed to make me feel His presence and that I am not alone during the tough times of depression. Nevertheless I chose to turn my back on Him when people began judging me and branded me mentally ill. Deep inside me He still pursued me to come back to Him in spite of my unfaithfulness and ungratefulness. 

Now I finally understood why I have to underwent all those pains and sufferings. I've been given wisdom and understanding for the explanations. I've been given extra ordinary gifts which at first I thought that I was cursed, being punished or that I am evil. Nevertheless it only prove one thing. Through the moments of torture of seeing, hearing, and eerie feeling of the evil one had taught me to call on God, pray to Him, ask for His protection and deliverance. Yes I know now why I had to experience all of that. He is there to prove to me He is indeed mighty. My recognition of Him my only help and deliverer has saved me from the sin of pride that I have the power such as that. Also I experienced being judge as loony and heretic because during those times I've been finding answers and they know that the gifts I've been describing are not in the bible. God has blessed me with spiritual adviser that guided me well and revealed that I came from the goodness of God. I learned that charismatic gifts are there to edify or benefit the church. If not helping then don't use it. I also learned that it is better to seek the gifts that could help me get sanctified. I only want God that I chose Him over the extra ordinary gifts. I would rather lose them, not get famous, not be glorified rather lose the love He only can offer. Although the gifts came from Him too but it was a test that I need to overcome. I now pray that I will always have the humility and mercy so that I could best share and testify His goodness and mighty love to each one of us. Well the gifts can be activated later if it is really needed. What important is to sanctify me first so I can truly serve Him.