A Letter to Myself 2018

Dear Celeste,

I haven't recognize you now. You've been outspoken and came out beautifully out of your shell. I thought you will never gonna make it. Just the saying goes, you will not always at the low side of the world. You have survived. Thank God for making you breathe the happiness, the joy of singlehood. And now you are so ready to face the world full of surprises. Ready to bless and share the world with goodness inside your heart. Continue to shine!

Christmas Joyrnal Part Two

Dear Jesus,

You amazed me again. I know its your birthday. And you made me see that not all clergy are the same. There are still good ones. And he delivered well your message earlier at the mass. How words have affected my whole life. How it kills me softly, creating paranoia and delusions. And how the Word continue to heal me. You are my strength Lord. Whatever happens just have my back.

Christmas Journal 2018

Dear Jesus,

Happy bday! Thank you for knowing me. My heart right now is full of hate and bitterness. My home where I want to introduce you did not welcome you last night. They just let me sleep the whole day and not happy with my gifts. All my plans for your bday they scrapped. And I hate the clergy too. They wouldn't took away how much they have hurt me in the past. And will continue to do so. Perhaps I will be home at the catholic church if I'm gone.

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #14

Dear Jesus,

I don't know if it is paranoia again. But things were getting out of hand. In my head. I thought I heard from my former co-sfc earlier why I post on non-sense things in which I remember my spiritual mother prohibiting me to post emotional things on social media. I felt I don't have the freedom and yes I then conclude I don't want to join community anymore if they will dictate such actions. That is restricting my freedom for I'm not misbehaving either. Then I felt wishful death is suddenly growing inside my head again. Earlier I was not in the mood of eating dinner together with my siblings. I thought I heard my youngest sister saying I don't want to be with them on supper. How can I expect them to be with me if I don't like to join them. Honestly I don't care anymore what other people think or say. I will do what I want to do. I'm a good person and I don't have to meet their expectations.

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #13

Dear Jesus,

Today everything seems back to normal and much better. Much better since I can hold my mouth instead of criticizing or complaining. Much better because I listen first before explaining myself. Much better because I simply learn the word Love. Hoping for a better me each day and a love that grows between us Lord. I love you.

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #12

Dear Jesus,

I feel both great and worried. Great since I can move and perform my daily task. But worried because there were instances I knew I've been hearing voices which I cannot validate since I'm alone. Just like what happened earlier at the elevator. I still have the feeling I'm the one seems the topic like yesterday, by one close colleague and tonight, by the newscaster on the tv. I am afraid I have to increase my dosage by Saturday. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Hopefully Lord I'm better. 

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #11

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for today. I may not attending the Nine (9) morning masses for this christmas, but you let me feel your love especially through my family. I really wish that we will spend more happy times together. And thank you Lord for the healing. I am now more confident to face the world again. I was able to tell Dra. Batar my paranoia. Although I was able to determine that it was all a big mistake. Me taking keywords with special meanings but actually ordinary or common words in our daily lives. As Dra. Batar said, both physical and my pre-disposition has caused it. I'm still blessed to recognize the reality. Thank you dear Lord. I'm forever grateful.

At tumigil ang mundo
Nung ako'y ituro mo
At hindi ka lumayo
Nung ako yung sumusuko
At nagbago ang mundo
Nung ako'y pinaglaban mo..

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #10

Dear Jesus,

I may be distant with my colleagues. But deep inside I'm happy. I don't know if I'm just protecting myself for being hurt. Or is it truly for my mental health. But I'm glad I'm now free to choose my inner circle.

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #9

Dear Jesus,

Tonight I decided to stick being Catholic. I have all the reasons to leave. But perhaps take one day at a time. I am reminded how friends decided to keep it for family sake. I will seek you Lord again and I know I will find the answers to my questions. You never failed me. I love you Lord. Always and forever.

Advent Prayer Journal #8

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for showing me the real face of Christians through Samaritan's Purse. I don't know if it is a sign that I should let go of what I believe in - the Catholic faith. I don't want to compare but Christians never let me feel alone. I don't know how to continue if my shepherds in the Catholic church don't express concerns to me. I may be selfish. I always been their defender. I always give them benefit of the doubt. But they have not shown to care about me. To know about me. Who is the true Christians then?

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #7

Dear Jesus,

I am in so much pain. The religious failed me. First, they didn't let me in because they didn't knew me. Second, because I have mental illness. Now they don't want to entertain my questions but rather would look for answers myself on the internet where its difficult to decipher which one is the truth. Finally, I don't know my parish priest. How can I go to him if he is distant. I felt these were some of the reasons why others left the Catholic church. I have a hunch why the religious treat me like that. Since not all in their community I will get along with, perhaps they want to make sure I really wanted to be a nun. But that is just an assumption. My point is how could they just give direction going to God if they cannot establish a relationship with people. If only I didn't love the Eucharist and believe in Sacrament of Confession, I have left the church long ago. Help me God on my faith. Amen.

Advent Prayer Journal #6

Dear Jesus,

So many things happened today. Thank you for another chance you gave me to be with my family and to be with friends. Thank you for giving me the courage to express myself without anger. And to soften my heart for all those who have hurt me back. Thank you for my shrink for her endless support since day 1 of my illness. I lift up to you my illness and the future Lord. Bahala ka na.

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #5

Dear Jesus,

I felt my mind was messed up. I remembered wrong details of the past. Don't know if I'm aging or is it part of depression. I remembered happy times though and I don't know if it is tears of joy. I slept soundly but I felt tired when I woke up this morning. I just want to rest a bit. I still have my finals at UPOU and some papers to finish. Glad I have an appointment tomorrow. Thank you for yesterday and this morning Lord.

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #4

Dear Jesus,

Today has many ups and downs.  You know I love you. I'm trying so hard. But proving it makes it difficult. The response that being required makes me miserable. I'm not brave enough to be unlimited in giving kindness. I tried to reflect Pope Francis' message tonight. And here are my thoughts about it.

"so deep. need to reflect on this. 😔 RT @Pontifex: The beginning of faith is feeling the need for salvation: this is the way that prepares us to meet Jesus."

1. Suicide is not the road to salvation. I must remind myself that You love me and there is always hope. How many times I doubted your love and confess about it. I was reminded that my salvation was "tagilid" because of it. I have pride Lord. That is why I was in confession. I tried hard not to do again. To love you more. But I have to keep in my head that I was just being reminded.

2. My hesitation to preach to my family is additional hindrance for them to have their own salvation. I have this thought that if I love them I will make a move to ensure their salvation. But honestly I want to give them freedom. Freedom so that they will love Jesus willingly. I hope prayer is enough and my love for them too.

3. Forgiveness means befriending the people who hurt me. I put distance now so I won't get triggered. That is my way of taking care my mental health. Although I heard that I should also just forgive but not really bring these people back in my life. I am not hurting anybody. I have been praying for them even if it is hard to accept that they are more blessed than I am. But there are people who push me to be out of my comfort zone and to really be with these people whom I cannot trust anymore. I am in the verge of giving up my Catholic faith if they will keep pushing this. Then perhaps I won't get saved for I will not join then any Christian denomination for the teaching would be the same.

I still don't know what to do. I will just let you lead Lord and give me strength. Tomorrow is another day. Depression sucks. Thanks anyway for the ministry. It has been prophesied in Charism Workshop by Saccre in Singapore that I should not worry about my ministry and that you will provide for all my need to keep it. I recently founded Prudence which aims to help less fortunates. I know I'm not doing enough but I hope you are happy with the little things I made out of my love for you. Hug me tonight Jesus. 😘

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #3

Dear Jesus,

I finally get it! I was afraid of the thought of being alone. But as I ponder on the reality now, I admit I like it. I don't have to take care of someone. I don't have to please someone. Or even beg someone to love me or to stay. I don't need to push so hard to make things work. I am so much in love with the thought of weddings, babies and happily ever after. I forgot they were fairy tales. How many times do I need to get hurt. How many times do I have to wait and hope. I don't need a person to make me happy. I can support myself and I can be happy by myself. It is not even a sin. Thank you Jesus. I'm really avoiding this vocation. Only to realize this is my destiny.

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #2

Dear Jesus,

I stopped using the social media. No more noise. I felt people have killed me there. I really don't want to close doors. But I'm tired of listening on what to do. I know you have given me freewill and I want to use that. I will pray hard not to leave you. You're the only one who truly love me. I don't know how I will react tomorrow when I'm again in the world.

Advent Prayer Journal Entry #1

Dear Jesus,

I felt very triggered today. I've been feeling these this past few days. It will be my check up soon. And I know I will be back on my medication. I failed. I tried to understand people but it was very difficult. I can no longer distinguish who really care or not. Is it wrong that I love you and hang on because of you and what I believe in? I struggle with social media and been answering things I should not. I owe no one an explanation. I should only listen to my shepherd's voice. I won't get deceived. Lord God be my strength. I know its you when I just thought of the word "Be my heart." Just a tiny piece of your heart will make me go a very long way. A heart with ears, a heart with hands, a heart with feet, a heart with your face.

Letter to my Sisters

To my beloved sisters,

I know a lot is going on and it seems I am far away from you. Well I hope you notice though. I decided to live my own life and stop expecting to let me in to yours. I've learned it hard to count more on my friends and their belief that I'm the best. I tried us to get closer like we were young. But I guess time has passed quickly and we grew apart. I am still proud for what you have become right now. I am always proud to be part of that stage when you were starting to reach for your dreams. Although it is not my obligation to help you on your education. I did it becaouse I love you. Its now time to spread your wings and fly. Please do not get jealous of the orphans I've been helping right now. You just shown me that I can always do better. And like you I want them to succeed.. to give them hope. They do not have families. While we are always family. Wag nyo ko ipagdamot dahil I find joy in giving a part of me to those in need. By being the hands and feet of Jesus.. or even His face to the world.

The Encounter

Here is the message I sent to a friend. She is deeply too into her faith and attending teachings to learn more. She made me realize a lot of things and I want to keep a record of this particular realization.

good mawnin! naalala kita agad when i remembered i have heard a good mass yesterday. alam mo may times you let me feel there is something wrong with my faith. or maybe it is depression talking. anyway i keep on thinking the story i told abt that encounter during consecration sa mass where i felt drawn to god and since then i love going to the eucharist. you've been asking questions like it is just a ritual wala naman special. and may times i felt maybe at highschool i am already hallucinating kung gnun. but last night, as i saw the bread lifting up i knew it is jesus who appeared to me a long time ago. because if he didnt i am now lost. i wont survive depression since he is the only person ive been holding on to especially when im alone. maybe for some ritual lng talaga ang mass. but for also for some it is an encounter with the lord. i cannot specifically describe our connection (me and jesus) but i felt that he kept me an eye on me since i was a kid because the trials ive been going through later on is unimaginable. even my family i cannot count on. the demon is everywhere. inside my head, i can see him, i can see also on bad ppl. dont feel bad. im glad you asked because it given me second thoughts and the lord revealed himself again and again that i dont have to doubt. we have a bond in silence and just gazing on the cross i know im so sure he is always there and make things right. 😄

The Social Worker

My internship in social work is about to end.  I have been answering questions like why I'm shifting to this career from IT. Well before, I felt tied up with IT that I want to get out with that kind of job.  Perhaps because of responsibilities in the family that felt burdened. It was not my chosen course but I did it because I wanted to help my family. And I did. I sent my sisters to exclusive schools and somehow gave my family a comfortable life. I don't know why something inside me was not contented. But then I did realized I don't know what to do either. It was years later while in Singapore and embrace the headship in Singles for Christ that I realized I have listening ears. I was so excited that I found my purpose. And that is to help others by being their counselor. Since I am working full time, it would be hard if I go to campus everyday. So as I search for schools I found UPOU. And the rest is history. What funny thing is, I realized I could do more by being a social worker. I enjoyed my exposure now with Samaritan's Purse and hopeful for a fruitful experience next semester with another agency. Even before I have chosen to become a social worker, I have this yearnings to have my own foundation - particularly for the poor and with mental illness. I know it is still far fetched since it needed a lot of hardwork to establish one and to have constant sponsors. I did start small and long time ago, I initiated  to have outreach with abused women and out of school youth with the help of my Maybank friends. Now, I'm starting small again by Project Prudence. I named it after my favorite character in Charmed tv show back in the nineties. When I had episodes, I recalled most people close to me were blaming my fondness with this character and it hurt me so much. I felt lost knowing I cannot be myself or something was wrong with me, and that was the reason I was ill. Hating myself more was the result of it. But after years of recovery, I learned to fight and love myself too. And as I launch myself as a full-pledged social worker and so I named my baby project Prudence, with the help of trusted friends. A reminder of who I was and who I become. I did search the meaning of this virtue and as google says it is the mother of all virtues. It means having good judgement, being shrewd and being cautious. After all, there is something good about my past. For I can still make  good memories out of it and be the woman I always wanted to be. I've been told that starting as a social worker now is late since I'm in my forties and it would be somehow difficult for me to get employed. I realize now I don't need to get employed where I can be the founder. Yes this is my ministry. Not deliverance, not charismatic, not establishing a new lay community. But initiating a care group for the poor, and for all who needed extra love.

Forever Grateful

Yesterday I did have regrets of coming back to corporate life. I have these what ifs that perhaps I can really pursue my dreams of finishing my studies if instead I teach or be a freelancer and did not listened to my mom to work again. But today I realized how blessed I am and have proven myself that I'm better than I thought I was in the corporate world. Perhaps it is my destiny afterall to be in the middle management now and inspire young software engineers to persevere in our field. Nevertheless, there is still this struggle at my studies and there is this fear that I won't make it to become a social worker. Although I really aim to finish until PHD and be a mental health therapist. Then I remembered to offer these things to the Lord. To bless all my dreams and endeavors. And to use me for His glory. I finally felt I have the purpose of living and death is now a no big deal for me. I won't waste my life on trivial questions and pains but I felt the Lord prepared me through the years of who I am today. I'm glad moping around has ended and I'm ready to face the world again. I have come around big time as a survivor of depression and has given me purpose to help also those who struggle. In a way, I was able to reach few people to really understand what is mental illness. Its been a tough and rough ride but I'm truly glad I made it because I have parents who never failed to believe in me and few real friends who always there. The Lord never fails to amaze me.

Understanding Friendships with Me

When is the time to let go of a friend? One close friend told me I made things complicated. But I've experienced a lot and in my heart, in my mind they were maybe petty on some but these were big deal to me. I learned to accept that there were things beyond my control. I have lost several friends due to differences. So in my mind I have quite fair right to decide who to keep in my circle and who should not. I'd learned that forgiving is not really getting things back as they used to be. I have to learned something. Need to be wise. There maybe grudges along the way but I know myself too that these too will pass and I can work and be civil with anyone. In fact there were those who cannot stand my kindness after a mishap. Respect and a view of any person to one's character is in the eye of the beholder. We cannot dictate him/her. So please just give me some space right now and let time heals all wounds. Perhaps in time the friendship that was lost will be found again. or maybe we can just be civil forever and be mere acquaintances. Though as saying goes there is always a reason why we meet certain people in our life.. A special season to learn new things and to mold us as a better person for a world to see.

Rant at Dawn

Its wee in the morning. I still remember I forced myself to sleep in this kind of morning. But now I'm calm if sleep does not come. Yes it is frightening to think in these time. Where you are really alone and it is so quiet. These were the times I thought of ending my life. That nobody really cares. Even my family. But tonight I just recalled vivid memories of my episodes. How I survived each and still kicking now. Its amazing how I was hunted by the image of Jesus in crown of thorns. I'm really afraid at first because of its gruesome image. But later on I acknowledge that He only wanted to tell me I am His beloved. Amazing to learn later on it was the same image appeared to Saint Therese and was called the Holy Face of God. Whew! then I was so ashamed to recall that during my madness I was tempted to think I'm also a god. But I surpassed that temptation and humble enough to acknowledge God above me. I think it was a test and enough grace was given to me to be able to choose His love than to be regarded great by men. Well a certain officemate told me I have the credibility and he wouldn't hesitate to join my religion if I will establish one. I asked him why not be a Catholic. That I was endorsing. And he gave a big laugh and told me he hated the hypocrisy of the Catholic church. He can't imagine me staying in that kind of church. I'm such a good person to him. I'm do glad there were still people who have seen goodness and have faith in me. When I almost would cried I am a worthless being. My mom asked me yesterday if my friends in sg were still keeping in touch. I am ashamed to admit that there were none. Do I really have friends there? I slowly was thinking the community I have there was just accomodating. But they were not friends for keeps. I do remember as always I would be the one to initiate a convo with my current friends. It was frustrating at times that no one remember me. That if I commit suicide perhaps it would took days before they found out. But I just go on and enjoy the convo everytime I had with them. Its okay if I'm the initiator. Perhaps someday that will be my memory for them. My only memory of our friendship.

Going for Upward Spiral

One of the experiences after depression was the low self esteem. Many times I would need affirmation from others that what I'm doing and even thinking is correct. It took many years before I totally let go and was able to trust myself especially my decisions. Only to realize I'm indeed a perfectionist or perhaps have been traumatized by the feeling I was always wrong in my existence. My eagerness to learn and openness to accept my fault too has led me to where I am now. There were still times I felt anxiety, loneliness and wanting to just vanish. But I kept in my heart all the lesson I learned from this journey. I don't equate my worth with my status especially at work. I am special in the eyes of God and it makes me feel happy to claim I am His child. My distorted view that I have to earn heaven has been replaced by accepting His everlasting love. My faith in Him has been strengthened and I believe He had saved me in many circumstances that I almost gave up. Many judged me and been called weak but I later accepted that they were just mere opinions. What matter was I now have established a relationship with God and also believed that He was indeed there even if others would just called it delusions or even hallucination. His grace is enough to let me understand fully about Him and about myself too. Though it has been a constant struggle to move on especially when trials come. But I tell myself to remember how He let me feel as a beloved in every extraordinary experiences I had where He manifested His greatness. I maybe crazy but I'm okay to be called a fool because He have saved me from the pit of depression. This journey is not yet over and I know I have to hang on and keep in my heart all the lessons learned. I don't take it personally if there were friends who attack the Catholic faith. I then understand that perhaps they have experiences that triggered their anger and bitterness. What I can only offer is my friendship regardless of our differences. Then perhaps this world would be kinder especially to someone like me.

Realizations

I feel guilty of not praying most of the time like the way I used to do in Singapore.  But I realized yesterday during the mass, the fruits of building relationships with different people. It gave me my personal pride of being able to adjust and be trusted. I still remember the feeling when I was young being invisible in the crowd. It did leads me to depression since I feel unwanted and no voice in the society even in my own family. Nevertheless, my faith has given me hope and pushed me to just go on with life.. still open for others and later I felt I'm now part of the group. I'm no longer an outcast. I feel the gratefulness inside me as I sing hymns during the mass. Indeed faith without action is dead. We should be the channel of God's love to others and surprisingly, what is given is what you also receive..  my love tank is now full.

Hopeful Bride

As far as I can remember I got my first crush during first grade and eventually into a relationship when I was in Sophomore. But this was because the guy was asking over and over again, and I finally gave in since I also have a crush on him since sixth grade. I regret that decision for he was indeed a control freak. I just got drained after several months of giving in to his requests just to let him stop pestering me. And besides he only have good looks but to my dismay didn't have dreams for his own good. I considered it then a puppy love and not a serious one. Anyway, I became serious with my faith during my Senior years and vowed to be a nun someday. Mine got tested for before I finished Secondary I have again another boyfriend whom I also have a crush on. Through the years I was torn if I would pursue what I promised to God or would I consider marriage with this man. Well I did chose the man over the God and that begins my story of depression. Needless to say I did tried to discern if I still can serve God by being a nun. But it was a long discernment that at age forty the convent I've chosen have closed its doors. I really don't want to embrace single blessedness and it is still a tug of war right now. Though I still wanted to try marriage inspite of failed relationships previously, there was no man interested right now. I do have a new crush recently but deep inside I know the feelings cannot be reciprocated. I still pray to God to find Mr. Right immediately because I'm not getting any younger and my egg cells' quality were not as good as before. I still do have my must haves and nice to haves in finding a husband. First is a God fearing man, preferably an active Catholic. Second is a man who is brave enough to accept me for who I am and what will I become. There is nothing to worry for I can readily accept and fight for people I really love. And last is someone who will spend not only time but a little bit of luxury. I never have a chance to experience to be wooed with gifts and  flowers. Perhaps I've been too responsible and too strong in my past relationships that I was always the one who gave more even materially. Well I guess there was nothing wrong to feel special from time to time. I do pray hard that before the year ends it would be an answered prayer already. I'm hoping this time around it is my turn to walk down the aisle.

Please Stop the Stigma

With all the awareness now spreading in social media have encourage me to come out in the open and admit I'm one of those who were diagnosed with mental illness. Its been years that I am suffering from it and been also seeking for acceptance not only from my family but also from friends and even in society. I have  found a new group at work and became at ease with them. I tried to open up to one by one about my secret illness but got disappointed with their response. One with a brother of autism had told me just to change my perception especially at work. I'm really surprised since I thought she would be the most to understand where I am coming from. I often hear that what I needed was just a paradigm shift. Or simply just shake it off or snap out of it. If that could be the case, then it would really be easy to recover and get out from the pit of depression. But it is not. It's beyond description especially when the episode would start. I personally just want to disappear instantly than go through with it again and again. Another what I often hear was that people suffering from depression were selfish people especially those who committed suicide. They even recommended to try helping especially the less fortunate ones and guarantee the joy it would give. My retaliation is this: Do you really know me to judge me quickly that I'm such a selfish person? Do you know my story? Do you know what I went through? I may not be classified as a philatropist or a generous person but I do help especially if I could see I am needed. Even how little the task is. I don't have to enumerate the good works I've done but believe me I still remember the times when these less fortunate would exhort money from me. They will tell they don't have money to go back home to their province  and would ask for a large sum of money or even sell a picture of Sto. Nino with a price of hundred and would not accept a twenty peso bill. One Cenacle Sister told me you cannot give what you don't have. I need to learn first to love myself and fill my love tank before I could give to others. That I think is the reason why I felt drained and even still blaming myself for not being a good person since I failed to help. Stop the stigma please. Recently even Christians/Catholics are blaming the belief of the person suffering from mental illness. They openly preach to anchor deeply to God especially during episodes. My goodness! This is not the time for preaching. What I really wanted to point out is these people needs acceptance first. Mental Illness is not a perception. People needs people. Bring them out to isolation if we wanted to save lives. Stop the stigma. Then perhaps more of us will come up to the open. I even envy the priests who recently murdered for many of my past co-community posted on their fb and asked for prayers. But during the death of spade and bourdain they would criticize them having no meaning in their lives because they don't know God. Please pray for us too. Pray for our minds that it would always be clear and see hope. Then perhaps there won't be anymore suicides.

The Calling

It all started when i saw the post in facebook of one active member in my previous community about why kate spade and bourdain committed suicide. From a point of view of a devout Catholic there is nothing wrong with what she posted. But I cringed when I read it. It said that the two didn't killed by mental illness but because they don't have meaning in their lives since there is no God in them. Really?! I find it judgemental and insensitive coming from an active churchgoer. It took days before I blurted out my views to my close friends and everybody seems agree I'm in the best position to emphatize with those suffering from mental illness and who are we to judge on what really happened to spade and bourdain. Then unexpectedly one close friend commented that it would be helpful for one with mental illness to hang on to God. I went beserk in an instant. My thoughts ballooned and though I should take it as a compliment but I did take it negatively. Perhaps I'm thinking for all those who still don't know God and been suffering from this illness. I even blurted that once upon a time I even gave up on God and until now from time to time been asking Him about my purpose, why I was born. From there I realized why I have not able to attend seminars for pastoral counseling which I dreaded to become one since last year. I'm here for everyone regardless of religion. It would really be a big help knowing you can count on God especially on your dark days or episodes. But believe me hanging on to Him is really difficult if you are in that situation. It needs a miracle and intervention from above which happened to me. But I still believe that non believers and/or atheist should not be judged because of their belief. I have friends who were atheist but more human. What really we can do if we know somebody who is suffering from mental illness is to be there for them. Be present  in their lives. Be their friend. Be quiet just listen to them. Get them out from isolation. Yes I want to be a mental health professioanl that is why I continue my studies and hoping to complete by next year. Glad I found now my calling. It is to be the face of Jesus and to be His hands and feet. I may not preach about the kingdom of God but I am willing to share His love and goodness by being me. Who knows, maybe I can convert after all and bring more people to Jesus.

I don't Convert; I loved.

I very much loved the Catholic faith. Although I admit there was an instance in my life that I walked away from it but I do learned my path going back to it and now feel blessed that I am one of the cradle Catholic. Yes I was baptized not knowing much about this religion and have learned more about it in just one of the subjects in my school. All I know is I need to pass.  Though at young age of sixteen I fell in love with the Eucharist that begun my faith journey. Also, being exposed in college to different denomination has brought some questions in my head. I really don't want to be in a argument but somehow I seems get in myself in such situations. I felt I'm stupid not able to defend my faith well but looking back now I'm glad I just smiled and not really retaliated. Although that feeling of stupidity has brought so much resentments in the past few years that I struggle to learn more about the Catholic faith so I could answer all those denominations who belittle it. Then depression arrived. It was now my turn to scrutinized the faith I've been defending. I guess when I realized how much God has loved me then had let the questions stopped. And just let things passes by. Now I'm not cringing whenever they were criticism about being Catholic. Nor questions about salvation, etc. I then realized why I was not admitted to be a nun. I'm not into conversion really. I just want to spread the love of God regardless of religion. I just want to be a friend to anyone even if s/he does not believe to a Creator. What important is I know now there is really a loving God and He is crazy about me and that is more than enough for me as well to love Him and everyone back. 

Living a Single Life

Its been a while since I have an entry in my blog. What really happened in these past few months were another roller coaster rides. There were times I'm so overwhelmed with happiness especially when I have great times with my family and friends. I'm already back in my home country and had established finally myself working as a all-around manager/developer in a well-known bank. I have to adjust really hard since there were a lot of stressful situations in the office that includes coordination with the team and dealing with my boss. Though right now I can say I have good relationships with them and things are working out fine as I never expected. I remembered I was in that moment where I really want to resign and get out to this office and transfer to another who could be a lot nicer.  But I have passed that ordeal and it seems more rewarding to finally get in tune with them. Anyway I still have sadness attacks especially when I'm alone and realized that I am forever alone. Yesterday was the birthday of my dad and we celebrated as family in a restaurant in Taguig. We have lots of fun eating together but when we left, everyone was walking side by side in pairs. It was awkward for me at first to really walking behind them but who cares. I mean especially in this culture that single blessedness was a big deal.  Even my mom has pushed me to every men we meet just for me to get married. Yes, it maybe the pressure that makes me feel sad about my situation or maybe because I am also envious. I know how it feels to be in a relationship and being a caring person myself I wanted to take care of someone.. to grow old with. But being a female is another dilemma since in our culture we don't do the first move. I remember there were nights I was just staring at the ceiling and wandering what would be like being old alone. I even planned to lock myself into nursing home since I don't want to burden my sisters and their families. Just thinking about it is really making me sad. It seems I have wasted my life. I still continue studying Social Work and I'm glad I did. I later realized its importance and how I determined to finish even to Masters. I wanted to help. I wanted to make a difference. It created much joy that I can do something for everyone who needs my help. And the idea once again brighten my days and even pushes me to live this life and seems living to the fullest is within my reach.