The Yearender 2015

Ito ang pinaka masayang taon sa buhay ko. Excited ako sa susunod na taon.. Kung ano pa ang mga surprises na ibibigay sa kin ng Panginoon. Masaya ako dahil finally ay napakinggan ko ang totoong panig ng Simbahang Katolika tungkol sa Salvation. Inaamin ko huli na ko ng magkaron ng spiritual awareness at di rin ganun kasipag mag hanap ng mga impormasyon para sa pag aaral. Ngunit nagpapasalamat ako dahil sa haba haba man ng akin pagsasaliksik, sa pagkalito, pagiging malungkot at desperado ay natutuwa akong wala naman palang mali sa aking nararamdaman at pagkakakilala sa Panginoon. Nang muling binalikan ko ang Diyos pinakilala Nya ang Kanyang sarili bilang mapagmahal at handang magpatawad kahit gaano pa kabigat ang iyong kasalanan. Kaya ako ay nalungkot ng aking nabasa na ang salvation ay sa loob lamang ng Simabahang Katolika. Pag ito ay ginagamit ng mga ibang relihiyon bilang sandata ay di na lang ako naimik dahil nabasa ko din ito. Sa kaibuturan ng aking puso, di ko maisip bakit naging ganun ang turo ng simbahan. Subalit sa aking pagkukumpara angat pa rin ang Simbahang Katolika sa pakikipag kapwa, pagiging totoo at mapagkumbaba. Nito lamang Disyembre ay nagtalo ang aking kalooban kung dadalo sa isang pagtitipon tungkol sa Katotohanan sa Simbahang Katolika o makikipag salo salo sa aking kaibigan dahil nga nalalapit na ang Kapaskuhan at nais kong kitain ang aking mga kaibigan at bigyan sila ng regalo. Natapos ang gabi ng may ngiti sa aking mga labi at nasambit kong buti na lamang at nakinig ako sa pagtitipon na yaon. Ang artikulo na aking naunang nabasa ay hango sa assumption na lahat ay narinig na ang mabuting balita dahil kalat na sa Europa ang Katolisismo at hindi nila alam na may iba pang lupain katulad ng Asya at Amerika. Sa kanilang paglalayag ay kanilang napag alamanan malaki pala ang mundo at di lahat ay kilala si Kristo. Duon ko nakumpirma na ang "mercy" ng Panginoon ay extended khit sa mga hindi Kristiyano. Nalubos ako sa galak at tama naman pala ang Diyos kong mapagmahal at lubos ang awa. He is mighty indeed! Ang salvation ay para sa lahat.. ang pagsasakripisyo ni Hesus ay para sa lahat.. walang pinipili, khit di man sya tanggapin. Subalit khit sino man ay di masasabing sya ay naligtas na dahil sa huli ang Diyos lamang ang nakakaalam sa huling paghahatol. Lubos man akong nagalak sa karunungan ito pero di pa rin mawaglit sa aking isipan ang lungkot na aking nadarama. Siguro nga ay kasama yon sa emosyon ng pagiging tao. Di kse ako nabigyan ng pagkakataon na lagi may kasama.. Oo lagi ako mag isa. Kaya sa munting pagsasalo salo o kaunting atensyon mula sa aking kapwa ay lubos na kong natutuwa. Tinatanong ko ang Diyos ano pa ba ang nais nyang matutunan ko. Dahil may pagkakataon sa lubos ng kalungkutan ng pag iisa ay nais ko ng hilingin na kunin na lng Nya ako. Tutal alam ko na rin naman ang kapasidad kong magmahal at napapakita ko na ito kahit di man ito bumalik sa akin. Nagpapasalamat din ako sa bawat dasal na aking nasasambit para sa aking kapwa na Kanyang dinidinig. Siguro nga patuloy akong maghihintay at iaasa sa Kanya na may mangyayari pa din magpapangiti sa akin. Daanan lang ang lungkot dahil bukas may bagong umaga at malay natin wala nang puwang para malumbay.

Mid Life Crisis

Another of those year ends and though I could say that things got better this time, I can't help but think if I'm on the right track. I mean I've decided to do things differently now by becoming aggressive towards change -- after discerning what I really wanted to do with my life. Yet I'm still anxious to make these changes realize now. There are times I'm still okay with my IT life. I admit with the money I've been earning who wanted to leave this profession. But yet I'm not fulfilled. Something is missing. The other night I felt I lose compassion already. I've started to kill people in my dream. I'm still in my first semester as Social Work student and its a long way to go. But hopefully another 2-3 years in IT would still be fun since I also decided to return teaching Catechism and keep my role as Household Head. I also decided to be active again in service next year and hoping my body would cooperate this time. Yet I'm here now at my room with migraine and over-fatigue body. I'm afraid this is one of those things that  my disappointments in my life is manifested on my physical body. I pray that next year would be my deciding factor if to stay in SG. I mean if my new employer next year would not renew me then I guess its time to let go of my SG life. Even if that means small earnings and savings. Though I'm also afraid that I would endure my IT life if I got the renewal. Yes I'm still torn what to do with my life. Mid life is coming very quick and I guess I have to made up my mind soon. If only I could get my diploma very soon then I can start a new life immediately. But I have to follow and that three more years of study before I can shift. Hoping that on my last year I'm already at least an assistant. I'm choosing to become Clinical Social Worker. There is no happiest place than to see the smile of those who are suffering due to illness. Beside promoting mental health, I also would like to bring the sunshine to those who are terminally ill and to those who are recovering. Hoping too I can be of help on marriage counseling and individual counseling outside the hospital setting. Yes I'm following my heart and this is definitely one of the things I'll be doing on my second half of my life.

Knowing Your Faith

I guess I'm just resigned to the idea of convincing and justifying my faith specifically for 'Christians'. One lunch break (good thing he is the boss) a colleague opened the topic of religion. He started it with why was it is important to have a denomination - for it formed the body of Christ. He was criticizing those who insist that Christianity is not a religion and tagged themselves with no denomination. He was asked by a non-Christian colleague if they were allowed to kneel on their dead parents. I think it is a Chinese tradition and the non-Christian colleague further argue that it was their way to respect the parents who have brought you in this world. She cannot contain the 'no' answer of our boss. Well I knew that would be his answer since they even accused us Catholics of worshipping idols because of same traditions. I then understand the value of traditions in my faith. Although he further stressed that all 'Christians' have the same belief except us Catholics. I don't know if I would be insulted by that remark but I then realized that yes, we are indeed different since we value traditions which means we value the people. I don't know the official stand of the church but I know for sure it is allowed for Catholics to keep that Chinese tradition of kneeling before the dead. I just kept silent since I was not asked and I don't want to stir any arguments. I just smiled and deep in my heart I feel happy that I am a Catholic. Kneeling does not mean only worshipping. It is indeed in some tradition translated as giving respect. I then have recently have conversation with my housemate and her complains with these 'Christians' which I really don't want to hear. What gotten me was her question why was the clergy not educating the public especially the kissing of the statue. I then contemplate for a good answer and said to her that we should not rely on the clergy. They are few and indeed it is a duty of every people to evangelize. If you know the answer then tell the person if s/he does not know or is confuse of the act. And one more thing, we should not be spoonfed. We are all adult and should have the initiative to learn more about our faith. Isn't it learning our faith is learning more of God? I really don't want to have any discussion especially for those I know just want to belittle and prove that my faith is wrong. It is tiring to defend your faith before a closed heart and deaf ears. But if ever they cross my path (again), I would try my very best to answer point by point and hoping (and praying) I can keep my temper and be inspired by the Holy Spirit.

The 'No'

I have finally decided to try.. and prayed hard to accept whatever Sr. Linda would say. My only purpose that Friday night is to ask if I still have the chance to enter the convent. Yes, I'm sure of it now but I know there are rules that I must follow especially on my case where I already past the cut off age, have financial issues, physical limitations and mental illness. But I still tried because I don't want to miss the chance and just die without knowing the answer. I present my question to her that faithful night and I received a gentle no. The only reason she gave me is that I past the cut off age and it would take longer period to discern since there is a period to choose which congregation would fit me. She asked me why and what I think of religious life. I gently answered that one faithful day when I was in my senior year in high school and attending the morning mass that I felt drawn to Jesus during consecration. I cannot explained the feeling but then I tell God I will serve Him someday. I told her also I have this admirations for nuns because of their dedication and for me it is an avenue to love more God. Before we parted ways I once again asked if there is no chance I can enter and she still insist No. I resigned to the idea and tried hard not to think of other reasons why I cannot enter. I then asked if I can enter the auxilliaries or the consecrated life and she said yes. I don't know but I leapt for joy that moment. Perhaps I can still really love Jesus more wherever, whatever vocation. And as advised to listen more, I heard Him saying just be happy, He is with me forever more. 

Not Just Ready

I've celebrated my birthday with my sisters in Christ. That is one of the joys of having a community wherein to have friends who can understand you and whom you can really walk with because you have same faith. Nevertheless there is also a downside when the community is getting bigger. The values are not in place and it seems even the leaders are clueless with the mission and vision of the group. They say I'm tough and strict to still adhere to what I think is right. Yes I belong to the conservatives but only aim to uphold the truth and teaching of the church and Christ. I don't preach without basis and I don't lord my members. I felt that they view me as their "ate" or big sister and they are comfortable with me. Although there are still lies though when unfolded I just knew they were shy for me to find out that they have disobeyed. The funny part is they know they are wrong but still insist on doing these things just for the sake of "love"- the most misused word. Although I just give them my two cents and still let them know that they can journey with my group as long as they wanted to learn and love God. I also told them we are all sinners and who am I to judge them though I insist that if you know it's wrong then don't do it any more. My unit head last weekend has been teasing me to step up for unit head role next year. I just laugh out loud. For me, the community is not ready for a person like me. There would be challenges for sure if others won't agree on the way I do things especially I am indeed strict and make it clear to follow the teachings and strive for holiness. My members know by now that there is still joy in striving for holiness where you don't have to hide because you are committing sin and being shameful about it. I guess the community is too afraid to lose a member than uphold the truth and teachings of Christ.

The Complicated Life Living in Democracy

In my previous post I did specified that INC has the right to rally since they are Filipinos and we all are living in democracy. Since to assemble, one has to get a permit so for me it is the responsibility of the government agency to ensure that these people can exercise their right to express without affecting the rest of the nation. Here in Singapore, there is a designated area where the people can rally and they too must get a permit to do so. Nevertheless if you asked me about these politicians who support the INC's complaints regarding how the DOJ handled the case then I could say they are not upholding the law. Anybody who has committed a crime cannot hide and use their religion to gain immunity. Otherwise let it state in the Constitution then. When abused, we all have the right to ask for justice. And for all who supported that this is religious freedom may I know why you say so and how do you apply that logic in running the government and justice for everyone.

Great Expectations

I learned recently to let go of people not because they give up on me but the other way around. Perhaps I just tried to always be there for them that even if it is harmful for me I still chose to stay. For instance I always make time every time I know someone even not  a close friend but just want an ear to listen. But if it is my turn there are people who would readily criticize me. I know there are some who give good advises though if everything that comes out in my mouth is not good for them then can I think that I'm pestering them and that is their only way of telling me they don't like me. I learned then to choose my friends to turn to. I also have this habit of raising bar especially if I know one group of people or community is about journeying to Christ. I have high expectations especially on leaders that they have reach already certain spiritual level compare to ordinary members. But all these results to frustrations. Majority I know  now are not living the faith or even below my "standards". Only a few I could say is really striving hard and understood the teaching of Christ. I may be quick to judge but I have this question in my head that I really wanted to ask them. Have you love Christ that much? In loving Him I learned excuses are not excuse for me not to follow Him. If we love somebody we are eager to know more about Him. Yet there are some reasonings I heard now that base on my opinion are out of His teachings. There is only one truth and so I am more frustrated to hear that it is because we all are different that our ways are not synchronize. It is an excuse of a common person. Every person who is in Christ bear the same marks of Christ that make others identify He is for Jesus. 

As of the moment I also stopped watching KrisTV. Before even if Kris have confusion on her belief as a Catholic by mixing it with superstitions I am still entertained by her "ignorance". But as years goes by there is no improvement and I could say she is really not a good model. That is why I raised bar to those who have the power to influence especially those in the community. But during my prayer I am reminded that in the end it is between them and God anyway. I must stop having expectations. I always get lesser than what I expected. I must do what I can and just choose people who can come to me closer. Only those I could truly trusted.

Loving Correction

It is always a big challenge in heading a Christian group to correct fellow brethren. I'm always caught in this dilemma and often I was in the frontline. I received highly praises for my sound judgement and courage to fight what is right. Nevertheless they don't know that the battle I'm also dealing within. My new household like any other group has a problem on cohabitation. I have no apprehension following the guidelines to know them carefully by asking specified things during Christian Life Program. The problem with this guideline is that many discussion group leaders have this apprehension on how to ask this specific question of cohabitation. I understand that is their personal lives and we may be accused of mingling with their affairs. But if you are really re-born Christians you would think of this as a calling of love. Correcting others is also showing your concerns to them and I always emphasize that correcting doesn't mean to force them do what is right. It is just letting them aware period and the ball is theirs. We should not complicate things like these especially defining the passing the ball because if these people decide to journey with us we always have the opportunity to influence them given the chances in which we should grab immediately. Yes loving correction needs timing. A delayed reaction because of fear of rejection I think is self glorification. Correction may be accepted and may be not. A missed opportunity is simply letting the person commit a sinful life without validating if s/he knows it is a sin and wrong. But above all, it is their decision on how to live their lives after the correction. Let our conscience be clear that every Sunday Mass we can face the Lord that lessen our sins "things that we failed to do." This is between them and God anyway.

The Other Side of the Coin: A Different Perspective

Much has been said especially in social media regarding the rally of Iglesia ni Cristo recently in Manila. These commentaries have valid points and we are entitled to live in an orderly, peaceful environment where our rights are not being compromise. There are two sides of the coin and that is why I just observe in spite of the so many reactions by even fellow Catholics. I understand where they are coming from especially those who have first hand experience (in traffic and also abuse from the members of INC). Nevertheless I felt it is not also right to take this opportunity to bash the INC's belief especially if they think that Jesus is only Man. This is also not the time to ridicule their faith and belief and most of all celebrate because their church is falling into pieces. A true Christian will see the hurts and pains the other has been undergoing regardless of what religion s/he belongs. Last night I asked a friend who is a member of INC if he had participated in the rally and how he feels. I'm truly glad that it ended peacefully. I don't care about the speculations on how it ended or what compromise has been given. I felt more on the members of the church. Are they lost now? Are they in pain? My friend told me his eldest did come to the rally. I was amazed that a young girl would choose to be there to tell the world what she felt. My stand here is this: the members of Iglesia ni Cristo has the permit to rally so they have the right to do so as Filipinos. The traffic jam experienced by Manila especially on Friday night I think was the MMDA's fault or whichever government agency that is responsible for order on the road. In the first place there is already a permit issued so they know already that there will be a rally so they should have planned re-routing. I am not informed how Catholic activities are being planned if major roads have to be closed but I'm sure someone in the government should oversee it. Whatever belief, perspective and faith the members of Iglesia ni Cristo have, let us just respect it. Not because of harmony but because as Catholic we believe that God has given the gift of freewill and in this case they just practice to have a choice. If God can give it to Adam and Eve (and to us) then why not we could also give to others. Let us not discriminate our brothers and sisters because they are different. This just reflects how manipulative is our government and they are not doing their service hundred percent. I already lose faith in PNoy a long time ago. This is just a simple case if only he has a sympathy for the people. We are in democracy and everyone is entitled for the freedom of speech. Even the Iglesia ni Cristo whatever their reasons may be.

Discerning 101

I'm glad I have attended last July the Crossroads retreat and now that I'm really in the crossroad has given me the opportunity to apply what I have learned. I've been overwhelmed by the fact that Sr. Linda, my spiritual adviser, has revealed to me that I have eliminated a vocation for a wrong reason. Now is the time to think things over and would let me really face the issue. I have this idea before that I would just let a somewhat long time dream passed and be one of those people who would say 'If I could turn back time I would do this and that.' Yes it made me realize it is not too late. I still have time to really give in to that dream. But this time to really discern if it is my calling or if it is just a fairy tale to me that I wish to come true. I've been talking to several different people since yesterday and even how diversified their opinions were, it helped me a lot to think things through. There were sound advise and there were also so so. One has been surprise that I'm discerning since it is quite unbelievable for her and also a taboo. She thinks that I will be such a waste if I will continue. I've met several people like her in the past and I can say my own parents think the same way. But there is continuous stirring inside my heart and thinking that in someday I can be like that put a big grin on my face. Yes I'm in a verge of deciding though there are moments that all three vocations are equal. I guess I really need to pray hard this time and listen. And then take a leap of faith.

In the Eyes of Celebrity

I once dream to sing like her.. I've been an avid fan and when twitter emerged I followed her instantly. But I was disappointed when she began twitting about Catholic bigotry regarding LGBT. I was saddened by her views. I know she is entitled with her opinions but she is an idol and everybody is looking up to her. I guess it is really a big responsibility for celebrities to keep their values intact. I find the below article a very good read. I am still a fan. But I love my God and surely understood His teachings. No justification for me and continuous learning of His teachings made me ignorant no more. Hoping for her to open her eyes and stop blabbing about these things.

http://monkshobbit.blogspot.sg/2015/08/homosexual-ideology-religion-response-lea-salonga.html?spref=fb

I am Lucky

We watched KrisTV again yesterday and she has been a laughingstock. But I later realize a higher respect is needed whenever we are talking about perceptions and traditions. She came from Chinese heritage and it is quite difficult for them to separate tradition even if they are already converted to Catholicism. We just can't get it why until now she is still too obsessed with lucky charms and fortune telling. She is known to be smart and regarded herself "religious" so it is quite surprising also if she keeps on justifying her actions regarding these. Her show last night talks about Ghost Month and we all went berserk when they began blessing the charms and crystals. One guy even lay his hands on it. It just that a contradicting principle if you are a Catholic and believing on these things. At one show she even said that she doesn't worship these "things" anyway so she did not break any rule. But she failed to understand that she is putting her faith on these "things" more on what God can do. She is afraid of harm and danger that she have the list of things to do just to prevent bad luck and harm. I can't imagine living like that by following all those directions. How can one enjoy life given if everything inside your heart is fear. Why not trust the Lord who is mighty and most of all trust on His love. Isn't it we are invited to live the life into the fullest? We are free! The Lord's love has given us the freedom. I once too have fond of reading horoscope. I always become worried afterwards for all the misfortunes I read. Then I realize for so many people under Libra sign and a Dragon sign, so these things will happen to all of us? I believe there were things happened just for coincidence. But I guess it happens just to test your faith. To really believe on these or simply pray and hold on to God. I once followed my mom to keep lucky charms on my wallet and wear bracelets with a little hope that what she is believing and telling were true. I guess its an act of desperation because I'm in the situation where I'm hoping things would be better. I have paid a big price for that and "lucky" now that I fully believe on the Lord. Well, the Lord has even paid the biggest price on the cross just to have me.

Journey of My Heart

I got infatuated in a very early age. I can't even remember why I like my first crush. I saw his recent photo and still I can say I admire him because of his pumped up body and seems responsible husband and father. He still get in touch with our other high school classmates so I knew he is just chummy though we were not given the chance to be close. I got my first boyfriend at age of fourteen and my high school teachers all went berserk. Although I don't understand too why they still given me deportment award if I misbehaved and been not a good role model. Anyway, on my senior year my heart was captured during the Mass that my day won't get started if I miss the opportunity of dropping by before going to school. I've fallen so madly in love that I even promise to enter a convent someday. I still have qualms if God now has been reminding me of that little promise I made. Though I know now that He loves me too much and won't force me to do something not on my liking. Before I graduated high school, I entered into my second relationship which turned my world upside down. We've been together for more than a decade that I grew up with him and even built my world around him. But when the relationship did not work only one person picked me up and bring back the pieces of my heart. I learned now that it is really Him in the Mass and I'm always still overwhelm whenever I attended. We've been in tug of war for many years now. I've been into the feeling of unworthiness but He keeps on reminding me it doesn't matter, I'm still His princess. He shown me my worth as a person and brings back my dignity. I now stand up and starting to live my life into the fullest because of Him. Truly, He called me when I was sixteen. Let me fall and ran away for a decade and taught me that it is only Him matters in my life. He still surprise me every seconds of the day. This morning I was lonely remembering my conversation with my father yesterday. I felt helpless not able to give what will make him happy. Nevertheless I saw from the cab window the birds flying and forming in different shapes that I felt joyful. I knew it is the Lord cheering me up. And I utter a little prayer to just lift up to Him that my father will find happiness in His hands. I am truly His beloved.

Heaven is Here

I'm now enrolled as Graduate student of UPOU. I should have known it before for I really wanted to take Masters after I graduated from college. I've wasted few years back when I hesitated to give it a try in UP. Simply because its UP! I have these worries that I will not be able to make it. But here I am on the first semester of 2015. Nevertheless, I realized I have many things I wanted to take. I'm currently enrolled at Social Work since it is the closest course I can take to be a Counsellor. Though I have this big dream of leaving my current job and work on my own phase, whenever and wherever I want. But get real. I'm not born with silver spoon on my mouth so I have to keep this job. I'm blessed coz life and career has been easy as an IT professional. I guess I just have to leave the programming part and concentrate as Quality Assurance or even on Testing perhaps or on Design. I can help others anyway any time given a chance. The sad part is I cannot take both course simultaneously. I mean I also wanted to take Masters in Info Systems so as to remain competitive in the market. I've computed the over all age I'm going to finish.. plus I have the intention of taking PHD in Counselling or Psychology so I will be in my golden years perhaps. And I can't stop but think of how I wasted my time on romantic love and on mourning. I really should have started everything and now it seems I'm running out of time. For now I'm going to take and need to pass the ITIL certification exam just to remain marketable even without the Masters. When I think of all these things I wanted to do with my life, I just can't help but grin on how I will able to fit having a family of my own. Alas, I don't even have a lovelife right now! I leave the part of studying Theology (which is one of my passion to learn) coz there are talks in our parish and they are for free. All I need is to diligently attend them and if given a chance perhaps I can be a good spiritual director too. Right now I'm a spiritual mother of five single ladies and I can say I am now proud of myself. The Lord has indeed prepared me to become one. No more worries if I fit in and if they will respect me. All I know is that as far as the Lord loves me and I love Him with all my heart then I can share Him to anyone. I may be a tough even to advise on living a righteous life but in time and with prayers God will prevail. I still don't know how many years I have to live. But I just felt I'm just beginning to live my life to the fullest. I'm so excited. Thank you Lord for this chance. Thank you for the eternal life.

The Little Shepherd

I really felt I have the charisma that people have no qualms opening up to me and even reveal their dark secrets. I felt honoured though there were also exception to the rule. There are still some when not asked, will not tell you that they are committing sins that are unacceptable especially to the community I belong to. Although we don't expel members but we firmly stand that co-habitation is a big no no. Simply because it is a big temptation to commit pre-marital sex and also to promote pure love. In our community, men are taught to be knights who would protect their ladies. And this only mean to protect their name, their dignity, not only on the physical aspect. Ladies meanwhile were taught that we are meant to be pursued. Both are encouraged to remain pure until receiving the Sacrament of Matrimony. I know that the world dictates otherwise. That's why it is not surprising that a lot of young members are into this. My previous household had also this dilemma but we were blessed because after some time they were married. I remember there also came a time when they came to us and asked for advise because they have financial difficulties since living expenses here in SG is high and it is an option for them to live in same room. I seek an advise from a religious and therefore gave a sound advise to them. That is to add one more person in their room so that temptation will be lessen. They are now transitioning in CFC and I'm just a proud spiritual mom. Anyway, my current household have the same dilemma too. Though I don't normally ask after CLP if they still do pre-marital sex or living in, there were just circumstances that their secrets were just coming out. As usual they are hard-headed and have so many reasons why they are doing it. What really blew my mind was when they told me that another household head told them that it was okay to co-habitate since everybody in SFC is doing it and he even have a girl in his room. I want to strangle his neck that very moment! I'm in the verge of leaving the community since it has given me an impression that they are not living the teachings of the church any more if even the new heads have these kind of mindset. I just knew in my heart that wherever I go, I will grow in faith and love with the Lord. I still have small faith that somehow they will instil in my members an introduction about the Great God we know. Prayers do work in wonder. My Unit Head talked to me about it and surprised to hear what my member reported about the household head who have made such remarks. She reassure me that we are still align and that pre-marital/co-habitation is still a big no no. The household head will now be investigated and will undergo pastoral correction. We don't judge people but we don't tolerate either. If there are some weeds in the plantation, isn't it best to remove it so that there will be growth. I told my household we are all sinners but we despise sinning. As much as possible we should strive not to commit them as our response to the great love God has been giving us through the years. I really don't know if I'm called in pastoral service since my heart is heavy listening to their decisions. I guess I really need a helping hand from the saints and rest in the God's bosom. I cried a lot how these people would turn their back from God. But what can I do. Even God don't force them to love Him.

My Way of Evangelising

Last week I cannot contain my emotions any longer as my friend has keep on posting things against the Catholic faith. I simply asked him if that is their only way of evangelising since I know as Christians we are called to do so. I then proposed to ask their head if they can do workshops on loving corrections if they think people are committing sins. Their style of preaching for me is condemning the people. I really don't know how some would fall on these. Perhaps they have many questions inside their heads and upon hearing these people will ignited further and thought that that were the best answers. One friend told me the best way to seek for answers is to ask the spiritual adviser of that denomination. It is unfavorable to rushed to different denominations simply because their explanations are against on the teachings of the denomination you belong to. For me is to get both information and pray for the best answer. Before I would go on details debating my own belief on them until I could feel my face in redness anger. But recently I can say I have changed. I've been calm and not really answering them. I know these people are not asking questions because they are confused but they are doing these to ridicule my faith. And the questions will be non-stopped until they get you. I even told my spiritual adviser that I think my calling is not on evanglising through preaching. I feel exhausted easily explaining to these people who just testing my knowledge and I felt betrayal that my faith is not respected in spite of what I have shown. Nevertheless I have no qualms defending my faith if I think I am called to do so. I'm happy that I was able to determine if the person really needed the information and would be glad if I would be of help. My mission I think is to let people know and feel how important they are regardless of their faith. They don't need to convert to my own religion but just feel the love out of God has been giving me through the years. I believe it is Jesus who is working for the conversion of people. Though the transformation is in our hands. Yes we are all been given freewill and we must always keep in mind that we cannot push our beliefs on others. Our mission first is to love one another.

My Soul Wellness

I have attended recently a charism workshop and glad that I did since my questions regarding spiritual gifts were answered. I guess that I have not listened attentively during my Life in Spirit Seminar or even the Christian Life Program that I have these perplexed questions on how to identify each gift. My actual experiences have let me realize how these works and how God has blessed me these so I can be more emphatic and loving. I thank Him for the perfect timing, now that I'm ready to listen. It is quite a fruitful day with all day of worshipping in tongues. Able also to practice prophecy through being sensitive to what message we had received during the session. It may be in the form of images or words. And I find it amazing that after all these years, the same gift that I've been desiring is already in me. I just don't know what the manifestations. I just can't wait for the next level of workshop. I really felt special knowing that the God has given us these gifts for us to feel special and to do a unique mission. 

I also attended Crossroads Retreat by Cenacle Sisters. It is a relaxing retreat since I was able to sleep well and though I admit the long hours of contemplation have bore me a lot but I was able to realize what I value most and help me to discern for my future. I guess that I needed to attend silent retreat more so I can really enjoy God's presence. I will be joining them in Changmai next year for the Quieting the Soul Retreat which is eight days actually. I can't this year since I have allotted my vacation leaves already for Christmas break. I just hope that in the remaining years of my life I will do it to the full. And I can feel I'm in tune with the Lord.

In the Eyes of the Child

I'm in mixed emotions while watching a child of my cousin supporting same sex marriage. I'm not even sure if she is already eighteen. We're not that close so I  really don't know how to approach  her. I know what her family has been undergoing is painful already. My cousin decided to leave his wife who has been abusing drugs and been in and out of rehab. I can only emphatise with what she is undergoing and without parental guidance all these years. What alarming is that she even misunderstood the bible and quoted that Jesus has nothing to say with homosexuality. I only commented to her post for her to study more. I don't want to humiliate her for lack of knowledge but hoping that I could shield her from any bashings of these controversies. But she did it again. I just let her since this is the free world. How I wish I could talk to my cousin and be able to properly guide his children especially on social media. It only shows their family values and I really felt sad that his children are growing to a world patronizing immorality. I really don't know even if they know such a word. Well, Jesus may not speak directly during His lifetime regarding homosexuality. But if we are among the Christians who believe He is God then the whole bible is regarded as His Word regardless if unitarian or trinitarian. Let me cite two bible verses regarding these:

Leviticus 18:22 ‘Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.'

1Corinthians 6:9-10 Or do you not know that the unrighteous[a] will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality,[b] 10 nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

Footnotes:

1. 1 Corinthians 6:9 Or wrongdoers
2. 1 Corinthians 6:9 The two Greek terms translated by this phrase refer to the passive and active partners in consensual homosexual acts

Nevertheless we are commanded to love one another and we also know that we are all sinners and all equal in the eyes of God. We must be reminded to condemn only the actions and not the sinner.

I'm Pro-Life

I was saddened by the news last Saturday that same-sex marriage are now legal all over US. I can't help but say 'what is happening now in the world?' A brother alerted us that the rainbow effect application in FB to change one's profile is now available for those who supported the above. This is some kind of celebration for their long advocacy. My mother instinct kick in and so I check my sisters who have changed their profile already. I saw there were three.. I was wondering if they knew what they were supporting. At first I told them to speak to me first before changing their profile. But when I was fallen into deaf ears, I just wanted them to let them to know what I say about this issue. As their big sister I just want them to understand the church's stand. Because I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, that they only hear the inequality that these homo have been shouting through the years. Though I added that we are adults and after my short speech they can decide on their own. Don't get me wrong. I'm an avid fan of Vice Ganda, I have lots of gay friends and I simply love them. But I'm also a Pro-life advocate and this stand makes a difference. Being a Pro-life means carefully analyze which would interfere life and the right of the child. The basic unit of society is the family and it all began in marriage. I understand how the homo dreams to experience this but they did not understand why marriage has been instituted in the first place. This is basically to promote a family -- that is to create a new life. How can same-sex marriage achieve this? They may argue that they can easily adopt an orphan. Yes I won't disagree that the motives are pure and alright but why deprive the child to have a mother and a father? This would only confuse the child of his/her notion of family and how can you handle when s/he asked how s/he came into this world? And imagine all of us are into this same-sex marriage, what will happen to humanity? Will we go into extinction like the dinosaurs? There are sometimes more than fighting for our rights if we listen enough to our conscience, and honestly admit that what we wanted are out of selfishness. We made our society. And peace and order is all in our hands. 

Thinking Outside the Box

I felt a little embarrassed when I presented to Sister Linda my analysis with Richard Rohr. She agreed that there are indeed good points he discussed and what have been teaching in our faith. Nevertheless perhaps I  stick on the teaching too much and did not get out of the box that I insist my own belief on the matter. Well it is forgivable since it has been the notion for common people like me that it is the will of God that Christ has been crucified. Nevertheless I felt that I'm on the verge of thinking outside the box if only I choose the first argument I have  in my head that is God is mighty and that is enough to save us. Well as it clearly stated by Sr. Linda, God does not need to come down but He did out of His love and that is enough to save us because He indeed showed us the way even in the brief of  three years in His ministry. We are even finding it hard to follow Him. How much more if He stayed longer. I was caught off guard again by stressing the prophecies in the bible (in Isaiah, Psalms, etc.) about the destiny of Jesus being crucified. And so Sr. Linda finally explained what it means to be a prophet. And that is to uphold the truth -- which is the message. Prophecy is not really about foretelling the future but witnessing to the message of the Lord. I then conclude that we are indeed all prophets especially those who are serving Him since everyone has been giving messages of His love and compassion. Well Richard Rohr is indeed a brilliant man with good ideas inside his head though there are things that still not accepted. Not because we judged the people especially the homosexuals but surely to uphold the what we called Pro-Creation and that is the basis of having a family and  marriage.

As I prayed that night, I felt so loved by God still that He chose to be one of us just to show us the way and what happened to Him when He came down brought me to tears. It was a very cruel world indeed that He has to die for us in a way so humiliating and horrible. And that is the price of loving us.. I'm also grateful to learn that on the question if He is destined to be crucified or not is simply we do not know the answer. What we sure of is that He have shown the love that nobody can ever give but only Him. There are many things in this world that don't have definite answer. For simply His ways are not our ways. 

Realizations and Hope

The last weekend has been hard for me. Simply because my bff Anne B. has left for good though I'm grateful in the technology that up to this moment I am able to talk to her through skype. I just felt that I'm losing again the only person who told me she can understand me no matter what. Second there was a mishap happened in our whatsapp group with my previous upper household. I just felt out of place when our household head posted a photo where I was not included and didn't even noticed by any in the group and they just continue to chat on and reminisce the days. Perhaps past hurts have immersed where I really felt my household head didn't treated me as her friend but just part of her mission. She didn't even let me into her inner circle and I felt I'm always crying for her attention. Even before she left to get married, I just let it passed without really putting the details of my disappointments to her. I just thought she saved me from that abyss of depression when I thought I am not part of the community. I hang to her word to give it a chance and  never ever thought of leaving. I felt betrayed that I didn't receive any kamusta from her ever since. I was never part of her life and I felt I'm really not important. Same feelings with my partner then where I already pour out my rants to her and at the end of the day I just felt stupid because as if I'm just talking to the wall. She was there for me because we were partners in running a household. And after that then I'm forgotten. I left the whatsapp group with an alibi that my handphone keeps on hanging and needed to remove some groups. I just felt that its time to remove people in my life who just keep on hurting me. It is better to hold on to just few who knew my worth. I know in time that would will get healed too and I will able to face them again. 

It was also hard for me since I was on the edge of not accepting the new household. I felt that I will be a burden to my to be household head. I got the feeling that my advancement on faith made it difficult for my household head before to keep up and be able to be my guide. How can you simply guide a person who is more knowledgeable than you. And most of all who is crazy on Jesus. My soon to be household head had openly declare that she has so many hang ups and even imperfect in embracing the Sacraments. I think we will have an issue there if she would know how I love them and been regular receiving them. Perhaps her own issues will be answered if she will walk with me. I have spent many minutes in the Adoration Room just resting in the presence of God. So many things have been happening and I just want to pursue what I planned. Yes I want to try a different mission. Over the years I felt I don't belong to the evangelisation mission of SFC. Simply because it is not my mission to convert people especially to people with other religion. I have a different belief on that. In some way serving in this ministry is hypocrisy. Its clashing on my ideals that my way of evangelising is not by converting others faith but by simply letting them feel the love of God. And I want to take actions. I am not just a bystander who just sponsor child education in the background or donate when there is in need. I want to dirty my hands even how small the task is. I want to serve God during the Holy Eucharist too. I want to love Him more and more. Although I have physical handicapped but in His grace I was able to do these little task and survive each day. I just pray that all these plans will become a reality soon and that I can glorify Him in my own little ways.

My Dear Jesus and The Holy Eucharist

In the past few months I noted a sudden change on the celebrity sister of our dear president with regards  for her being vocal as Catholic. She is now praying before every meal featured in her show and even would explain to his son what it mean to be born again. I know we are all imperfect and there are things  need to learn. But being tactless has made a difference. She told her viewers recently about her trip in Japan where she attended a mass. She was amazed by the attitude of the church goers there who bow down before communion and even commented how delicious the host there compare to what is being serve in Manila! Well first of all that practice of bowing has been there even before we are born! And we indeed are doing it to our parish here in Singapore. I know reverence is hard to be taught especially in our country where Mass is taken for granted. And my dear Kris Aquino that delicious host is Jesus Christ! You may reserve your tactless comment in privacy and not on nationwide television where everybody is looking up to you. Especially the ignorant Filipinos who would follow your footsteps. Its hard to love the unlovable and sometimes I tell the Lord I'm sorry for this is the moment I can't tolerate how the Holy Eucharist is being promoted as a mark of being a religious one. The Holy Eucharist is a gift for TRUE believers with all humility receiving the body and blood of Christ who love us so much. I hope that communion won't be just an act but understanding the true essence of receiving Christ in our body. Him, out of his love have even transformed into that tiny host to join us even travel in our veins. That is how much He loves us and I hope that all church goers will understand that simple fact. 

Corpus Christi 2015

I like the way God answers me. Yesterday at the Holy Eucharist since it is Corpus Christi the topic is about the body and blood of Christ. Father Frederick has been discussing about blood of the animals being offered before and how in the New Testament the blood of Christ has been offered and it is the last offering since it is the perfect offering.  It was quite sometime that I felt why God has been accepting blood as sacrifice. Before Father Frederick says the reason it came to me that blood is life. In fact I'm a volunteer of Red Cross where blood is the main service of the organization how can I missed this! And so Father says blood means life, a new life is given to us. I was also moved when he says that every breaking of the bread we do in the Eucharist is a commemoration of the Last Supper. That is we let Jesus come again, to be present with us. I felt so privileged and blessed to be a Catholic especially to receive Holy Communion where I received Him and run into my veins. Thank you Lord for your affirmations. Thank you simply for just being with me.

My Reading Assignment

Before we parted ways, Sister Linda my spiritual adviser has given me reading assignment. I am really a bookworm and thanks for the digital age that interesting information are just in one click.

First is about the dites especially common to Filipinos (kasabihan which mostly became pamahiin). This is quite interesting for I told her I have a hard time especially to follow my folks since most of their belief are based on superstitions and that had made me conclude that the popular dites are not true. She cited an example of these and the most popular ones which is of not allowing to sweep the floor during night or else you are sweeping your luck away. The reason that our ancestor has said this is because during old times there was no electricity yet so imagine sweeping the floor at night where it is difficult to see what you are sweeping and might even sweep away your valuables. Well unfortunately I think I have to ask sister the next time if she has the book for the other sayings because I really want to hear the other backgrounds of these. I am so amaze how a simple wise thinking turns into something absurd but people until now are still blindly following it. 

The next reading assignment is about a particular priest who is now famous in America and its southern region. I have high respect especially on the clergy because simply they are our leaders. Although I know they are also human and can commit error that is why some followers has even left the faith and converted to another. His approach is more of contemplation which I subscribe for daily readings. I have difficulty though to read his writings for I'm not quite familiar to what he is talking about like the desert father and mother. I need to google most of his ideas and I'm glad because I was able to know more. I heard a little about the Orthodox Eastern Church and to my amazement this priest who is a Roman Catholic priest yet endorsing the Orthodox. I then search for the differences between Roman Catholic, Protestants and the Orthodox Eastern. At first I was convinced that I am in a false religion. Firstly because as history stated that Orthodox Eastern came about because of Great Schism. What interesting about in this religion is that they kept the old commandments of the church. I'm quite surprise that before the clergy are allowed to be married. I have to contemplate why my church have suddenly changed that and even installed a Pope (as what they say). Then it came to me that a true church should have to know the movement of the Holy Spirit. What do I mean by this. What I think of is that they should know for the better good of the church. It occurs to me since Christians that time were growing in numbers that there should be a leader that would unite the believers and lead them. I think it is pride for bishops not to recognize a Pope if for longest time they think everyone of them is equal. And I guess they have not really followed the Lord's disciples for before they recognize the like of St. Peter and Paul as their leaders. About celibacy of the priests and not permitting them to get married, I then understand the great role they have. A married man cannot immediately act to his follower's needs because he may think first about his family. Its hard to move around and to rightfully discern without also taking consideration his family. The priesthood's priority is the church and should not be compromised. Celibacy of course is applied for sex is only sacred on marriage for pro creation and it would be against the teachings of the church if they are allowed. Just a practical application I guess. I then read some reviews about this Franciscan priest who is known for his dissent on Roman Catholic Church. Many had written about his favor over homosexuality and it is quite controversial for he even officiate a marital vows for them. What caught my attention is his known idea that Jesus does not need to be crucified for our salvation. I have an atheist friend and he told me same idea. That perhaps if this Jesus would have live longer then he would have teach longer. I then read this Franciscan priest review regarding the movie The Passion. Yes he clearly stated that he believes Jesus can save us just by incarnation and no need for crucifixion. I then contemplate on this and as I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt I agreed to him though I wanted to research on the reason why the Lord needed to  do that. In my mind if Jesus is indeed God then He is mighty indeed so He can save us without being crucified. I then read about what kind of God who is morbid to be offered blood as sacrifice. I'm not satisfied with my housemate's idea that it was just a tradition before that blood is needed for the sacrifice to God.  I really need to exert another effort for this. Then I continue reading his writing about the God capability of forgiving sins. Yes I agree that God can forgive anything. But one statement have struck me that I stopped reading his work. He wrote there that atonement is not needed. I simply disagree. Why? For what will God forgive if the people is not even sorry. And if God will just forgive and forgive (which He actually does) but without atonement then where is conversion? A true repentant will not stop by just saying he is sorry but also the transformation of his life. That is turning 180 degrees. This is the essence of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I then conclude there is really something wrong with this priest and he is indeed should not be trusted and many will be lead wrongly. I then linger to the thought why God's will the crucifixion of Jesus for I then verified that there are prophecies in the Old Testament not only for the Messiah's coming but also to the kind of death he is facing. Well He need to die of course to conquer death for us but why such a horrible death. Then I read yesterday a very enlightening website. Now we have lethal injections, etc. for the convicted criminals as their death penalty. Before the death penalty for the criminals is crucifixion. Not only humiliating but also horrible. A slow death where really blood is shed.  And this is what Jesus accepted. Simply because my sins (and yours) are subjected for a death penalty but Jesus chose to redeem us by taking all of it. We are the criminals and our sins are also horrible but the mighty God out of his love took the death penalty for us. I shed a tear after reading this. So who can dare to say that we don't need atonement from our sins. A great love needs a response and even for our own good! If we only fully understand Jesus' teachings and the morality of it then there will be order in our lives. And all I can say is Lord you are amazing! My reading assignment is complete because You completed me.

P.S.
I'm also perplexed why this Franciscan have written that the Roman Catholic church does not believe on the mystics where in fact it recognizes numerous saints that are mystics. I agree though to what he wrote that out of goodness of God, He created everything that is good. What he failed to realize is that with God's great goodness He has given us freewill. That is why there is something what we call profane. People have the tendency to choose what is wrong and sinful. AND only by turning away from these is the complete conversion of mankind.

The Uncommon

“I have told you these things so that you can have peace in me. In this world you will have troubles. But be brave! I have defeated the world!” (John 16:33 ERV)

It has been my struggle to witness people who have lukewarm hearts especially during the Holy Eucharist. I maybe misinterpreted their actions but I can't help but to sigh if I see there is no reverence. There are those who just go to mass for the sake of going. I tried to understand that perhaps they are in state of desolation. Nevertheless I'm a little bit concern when I hear some of them that there are gestures that are not required like sign of the cross with holy water upon exiting, etc. There are moments I also felt some doing extra gestures are over acting but I realize it is much better to do them I guess than do because it is only what is required. I mean they are bold enough to show the world how much they love the Lord and that I guess that I want to witness. I love so much the Lord that I want everyone to see Him and accept Him. Although I must keep in mind (always) that people have their differences. I just pray that their hearts which is invisible in the naked eye are in good disposition and they are better outside the church. On the other hand I have admire mostly those who are unbelievers/not Catholics/not Christians. Because there are moments they love as Jesus would love others. Although they don't worship Him which is another dilemma. Well there is really a high expectation if you declare yourself a believer. Although we are all work in progress but being complacent I guess is disheartening to see. Often I see myself as an outcast for just realizing these things and other things that are not so common to the believers. Like the concept of God's plan, how to ask for signs, etc. Last night I have read the above passage and a friend also reminded me that in old times Jesus is also different from what is common. I guess to be His disciple is to be a witness to what is the truth, to assert His word and to love just like Him. And the last is a struggle for me for how can a simple lady like me would love the unlovable? Its really difficult and I pray that He will give me grace to do that. 

The Gifts

It has been years that I've been trying to search and study about the gift of prophecy and discernment of the spirits. Since I joined the charismatic community last 2005 I desired for these gifts. I want to join during communal prayers the inspirational messages each has been sharing. My fervent seeking and studying especially about my Christian faith paves the way for finally understanding these gifts. Perhaps today again is God's time to reveal these things to me. 

It is my one of my traits to seek and study especially the truth. I hate lies though there were times I'm caught off guard and commit same sin. I'm far away to be a saint. But my love for truth only means I always want to uphold it. And through the years I learned to uphold it in a gentle manner, especially on tough situations. I keep on my mind WWJD or What would Jesus do. I make sure what will come out is love and peace, and that I'm not promoting chaos or disharmony. Simply because I want to share Jesus to others that I make sure His presence is felt in me. These very traits of continues study and upholding the truth are among the manifestations of prophecy. It is said that in OT there were prophets to proclaim the Word or the coming of Jesus while in NT after Jesus ascension, these prophets became teachers, teaching what Jesus taught. I once a catechist and would like someday to be one again. Although my role now is not really a teacher but in every conversation I can't help but to share my learnings on my faith especially to those who are close to me. In my small group I even want to implement knowledge sharing and open discussion so that everybody will get nourish. Although in one of my readings there is still a trait of knowing the future but this is not the main one.

Another trait I have is to be able to realize if God is at work or not. Even before renewal I have unconventional thinking on things and practices. And even though mine is among the unpopular ones it amazes me when during my studies it will come out that my unconventional thinking is what align on the church's teachings. There are also some readings and situations presented to me that I can point out if it is good or if it is erroneous. There were some occasions too that I can see, feel, smell and hear unusual things. Though the effect at first was fear but through prayers I became brave and just completely ignore them. Though according to my readings it can be that there is something evil going on. I do my investigations to actually check where it is coming from or am I just hallucinating. 

In the end, mine may be just a little bit of the gifts of prophecy and discernment. But I feel so special knowing these and finally claiming I have them now. I feel so special that I really felt loved. It motivates me to perform more because He truly equipped me. Well I really can say Praise God Its Friday!

Changes

For quite sometime I have a head on battle with my past issues. I'm grateful they are now resolved though it is tiring and some sleepless nights. My relationships with other people are great and I'm still functioning well. But I notice this evening I'm a different person. I love it since I can express now my belief and principle freely. And also I don't cringe anymore if someone will object or against them. I just accepted the differences. Yet I'm not enjoying. I should re-apply again and again all the lessons and what I have written on my books. I'm so focus on sharing God's love verbally that I forgot to enjoy it for myself. And so I hear His tiny voice this time saying relax, have some fun, let me do the job. If given the opportunity I will testify His great love. But if not then enjoy life and stop forcing myself to share Him. It will just come naturally. He is really amazing. I guess I finally understood what Sister Linda told me to 'play' instead. 

The Battle is Over

I feel agitated when I felt that other people were talking about me. I associated it like a disease. That  it is the first sign that my depression will kick in. Yes that feeling added to the issues I already battling in. I'm a private person and I already lose trust and cut ties before to friends that I heard been talking about me. For me I am back stabbed. It's more than ten years I've been suffering with this dilemma that even everywhere I go and even I don't know the people I still felt I am known. And realizing these I really felt I am sick. My ex BF told me before to just listen to the music whenever  I feel that way. A few years back I came up with the idea how to counter this dilemma. Although I struggle and fight so hard to control the feeling but I keep in my mind I can only relate to the topic they were discussing. I keep on telling myself I am not a celebrity. It helped for sometime but to the people I know it seems not easy to just ignore. My BFF Anne has given me recently a wonderful idea. I just laugh so hard when she said 'Eh di famous!' Which then I finally understand that people will always talk about other people. I cannot control such things even if they say about me is either good or bad. I'm not a public figure and I want privacy. I've been raised that saying something about a person should not be shared with the group but to the person involve or you are promoting gossip or back stabbing the person. There should be proper venue for everything and courtesy should be always shown. But I realize I've been too hard to myself. Or perhaps everything is case to case basis. Anyhow, Jesus came to save and not to condemn. I am not condemn by being the center of attention or so I assume. What I only mean is to stay open and don't be affected by the differences. What the big lesson for me here is, if I wanted to share Jesus then I should be ready to open my life to the public. What I mean is people will keep on noticing me because I bear Jesus in my heart and I am His child. It is part of God's will and He is using me to lead these people back to Him.. in some way. I am imperfect but I can show each and everyone I have a perfect, loving God.

Understanding One Another

I then realize there were times a simple question why would mean differently to people. For instance I came from long vacation and a colleague has bought a wand. I asked why he bought the wand. My other colleague misinterpreted my why and told me to just let him be since he wants it. I then just keep quiet and didn't defend myself. For me I just wanted to know the plain reason and no hidden motives or to mock him. I'm actually hinting it is because of the Harry Potter fever. Well it is just actually initiating a small talk. Then there was also a time a friend did not attended a wake where most of us do. And since her husband is on different religion that she explained the reason was because of the different belief. I then again ask why. Then she shouted at me saying I should respect other's faith. I have then the courage to defend myself. I told her that I don't have intention of insulting the belief. I'm actually curious and want to learn more. I just want to know their practice, the reason behind it, that's it. I really don't know what is the moral lesson of these experiences. But all I know is to simply say my intentions than just keeping quiet. Then they will know and won't judge me for the misinterpreted actions. Then understanding one another is just in our grasp.

Future in His Hands

The very first time I heard about the Third Order I was so much glad. Simply because I always have the desire to enter the convent but cannot do so and I thought that at least I'm a member of the order even as laity. Though I am quite disappointed that there is no third order for the order which the Pink Sisters belong, both here in SG and PH. I first attended the Lay Dominicans. It is relaxing since we're meeting in the home of Father David and since it is a small group that interaction is quite intimate. Perhaps my shyness and inferiority complex have been a big factor why I didn't pursue since I felt my knowledge is so far from the group and I'm not that articulate. I prefer to listen whenever there are new learnings. But I'm really impressed with the knowledge and wisdom the order have. I then tried the Discalced Carmelites. Deep in my heart if ever, I also want to belong to the order of St. Therese one of my favorite saints. Nevertheless I struggle to come since I have the hard time attending for the timing was morning and due to distance. They also have strict attendance compliance that I have been struggling to keep. So I then tried finally the Lay Canossians. The nuns I met were the best and I felt it is really home. I like the retreats they have and even the small gatherings where I also learned something new. But then again I have struggles to attend regularly since the conflict then was my work. There were times I cannot attend the small gatherings which they decided not to include me to their enrollment as new member. I like to join this order since I was told that the formation is on my own phase and also their mission statement which I finally adopt as my mission too. So then I decided to quit searching for the third order to join. I just leave to God if there will still a time I can join one in the future and if it is my calling.

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I then continue to be a member of Singles for Christ and even open myself up to the other members. I tried to understand each and able to focus on establishing relationship to some. My hunger to learn more about the faith I do it on my own by reading and also by consultations with my spiritual adviser. Nevertheless since I have joined the community in my late thirties that I felt I'm too mature for them. I have this apprehension for possible transition to Handmaid of the Lord. Though they assured me that I can still stay if I think I don't need to transfer. Again in the next few years I don't know if I'm still SFC but all I know is I've learned a lot especially by just being a listening ear and be there for those in need. I guess God has called me to be here to mold me to become a better person and be with His people. Where He will He bring me next, I don't know. He help me also to continue trusting Him and His will for me.

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Even though I'm a permanent resident I still have qualms if I will stay here for the rest of my life. Simply because I don't have a place I could say I own, I only get contract jobs, and life here is expensive, being the most expensive city in the world. But what I like here is the security, that even on wee hours I can feel I'm safe to be outside my flat. Also even how multi-cultural or diversified the people living here there is respect and compassion. I can feel the concern of every person even strangers which I seldom experienced back in PH. I still don't know what will be my future like. But I just place it on His hands knowing wherever He take me I will be happy, safe and secured. And if struggles come I know He is also there.

In the meantime, I will savor the moments of the present. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

True Patriots

It was always a thought that whenever one changes his citizenship that he doesn't have loyalty to the country he was born into. We have this version in saying: "Ang hindi marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan ay hindi makakarating sa paroroonan" or in English "One who cannot recognize where he came from will have difficulty in achieving his goals." I often hear the joke that we lose our patriotism as Filipinos if we settled to another land. I have in my heart to go back in Manila someday. First because my family is there. Life is also good to hear your native tongue everyday. And of course the life that I am used to. Nevertheless having second thoughts is also not unusual. How many times I got frustrated especially to the system and the society itself. There is no discipline among the people and crime is also prevalent. It is so frustrating that government just continue to be useless even of so many promises during campaign period. How many times I have lose hope that there will be progress. Then perhaps leaving your own country is not losing patriotism. As long as you're grateful that once upon a  time you have lived there but due to some reasons chose to find another land where life is favorable. This is my second home and I'm glad my parents are now okay to be with me here and have not talked about bringing also my siblings. It is all I wanted. I cannot carry big responsibilities anymore. Though I also wanted to have my sibling too but they are now adult, have their own life and if they want to also be here then they should find the way. Then realize that love is not just giving your all but also letting your love ones stand in their own two feet. After all real love is not just being dependent to another.

Are We Free?

After the fall of men, we are sent in this world full of sufferings. It is one of my many questions before why suffering is prevalent. Where is God? Why He let us suffer? Why also good people suffer? I go back to the very beginning. Adam and Eve were banished because of disobedience. The question then is are we truly free if we need to obey God. For one God reveal Himself to us and recognizing Him in the middle of the noise in this world is a challenge. Why He called for obedience? Jesus is the ultimate example of this. Following Him would mean obtaining an eternal life. Nevertheless whatever our choices are and no matter how many times we fail Him, up to the end He is our Father. His love never ends. Why? Simply because He is our Creator and we are His children.

The Good Deeds

How many times I hear that while doing good works we not need to announce. Almost everyone who is caught telling his/her good deeds are being branded as hypocrite. This is often link to the story of the Pharisees who are show offs in their works for God. For me this is a case to case basis. I mean it is call of humility and true love if one would do these things in discrete. But there are times that we tell stories to other people especially on younger ones so as to inspire them and encourage them to do the same. It is a matter of setting the right tone and of course your motives in doing so. Remember not to brag or lecture but only to set as a good example. Another is to let other people understand your ways and respect your choices. For example, I've been fasting and a colleague offered me something that I cannot eat that day. I turned her down gently and explained it is part of my practice as Catholic. Another is telling story about my sponsored child in World Vision. This is not to brag that I'm sponsoring for education of a poor child but to seek more who would be interested in doing the same. In doing so, more poor children will be blessed.

But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. Matthew 6:3

The Anointed

Often heard from Christians outside the Catholic Church that Jesus did not founded or built a religion . But He only wants relationship with us. I agreed on the statement that Jesus indeed wants a relationship with us and perhaps religion is not a factor. For one, it is on how we live and how we have shown our love and compassion. It is His very commandment to love one another as I have loved you. He is our healer, our brother, our friend. But as I noticed the bible passages, God called different people to lead such as Abraham, Moses, David, Solomon and among others. If Christ did not established a religion before He ascended then I think we're not talking the same God here. What I mean by this is this. The very consistent trait of God is to anoint someone to lead His people. Why? Simple. Because He is a God of order. He want us to be guided and live as peacemakers. How chaotic it is if everybody would claim that leadership. It is clear in the bible that Jesus anointed the apostles. And only the Catholic Church traced their link with them as St. Peter the first Pope. About the existence of antipope in our history, there was never a time the church did not have the elected pope. Well this is my analysis. Everybody is entitled with their own.

The Staff

I have survived another attack of depression through the help of close friends. They may not know how huge help I got by simply giving their time listening and a word of advice. Although most I did was to unload all the hurts and worries but their insight on the matter with their own wisdom and based on personal experiences have given me realization and help me to move on. I'm certainly thankful and express my gratitude. Also been grateful for all the prayers I know my community is always doing.

I've grumbled a lot since I've been looking my place in my mother's life. I've seen and even pointed out to her, of her being impartial to us, her children. I pointed out to her that our youngest is always inside her head. I know she is the one mostly in need right now because she is young and still not stable. But all of us have our needs and weaknesses and somehow I want to check where I am standing in her life. She always told me all of us our equal. But I'm not blind to notice too that she treated each one of us differently. I knew we have different personality and  I know it is a tough job for mothers to adjust to the differences of her children. Nevertheless I just felt I've been insecure for I felt there was no recognition for all the good things I've done especially the effort of being a good daughter. One time I asked her what she remember as I grow up to this day. She remembered being my first teacher up to my kindergarden then somehow she is lost because the succeeding years I can say I'm then studying alone. I just told her I've got difficulty on my Chemistry and Physics subjects, grateful that my father was there to help me. She too admitted she hate Physics too. Then she noted that I'm more attached with my boyfriends and finished her story. I felt that until now she still not understood what happened to me and why I've been into relationship in such young age. What make me sad is all my efforts of helping the family is not recognized. She often says I'm the one who cannot recognize. I shove away all the negativity. I still have that feeling that I don't have the place in my mother's life just like my youngest sister whom she always remember even during times I want her to buy something. Grateful for my friend to make me realize that my mother was used to me being there for her. That in my presence she is rest assured she can give more love to my younger siblings and can be a special person as she can be. I then associated myself as her staff, helping her move around and give her confidence that she is a great mother indeed. And that is the best place I wanted to be...

Happy Easter

Easter often commemorates the Resurrection of Jesus. It is often celebrated with colorful eggs because it means rebirth. Often heard it is the best time of the year to change for the better. Nevertheless for me the real essence of this day is the triumph that Jesus did to win us over death. This is the most important day in any Christian. Far more important than Christmas. It is said that without the Resurrection, then Christmas has no meaning. Jesus will just remained a historical figure or even perhaps a lunatic rabbi who is suffering from grandeur ideas. Yet up to this time Christmas is still the most joyous season of the year. But I don't mind the silent celebration. I appreciate the simplicity and quietness. For one, there is not much deviation since the only competitor here is the easter bunny. Unlike during Christmas there is Santa Claus and the like. I am really thankful that I was found by the Master who has no degree yet the most powerful, mighty one.

A Very Good Friday Indeed

I volunteered as a member of the choir last Good Friday for the pre-sanctified Mass. My takeaway in the service are as follows: 1) Jesus died on the cross not only because it is the will of God but most important is because of God's love. 2) Often heard that why do we Catholics crucify Jesus over and over again. Father Justin analogy on this is when LKY died the whole SG nation mourned. Jesus is not just a leader or historical figure. He is more than that so how much more we commemorate this day. Good Friday is our declaration of Independence. This is our victory when Jesus win us over sins and death. 3) This is to remind us to be Christ to the world. As long as there is suffering, persecution, and indifference we are called to be that love for everyone. 

We cannot find real love on Valentines day but during Good Friday.

I am His Warrior

I can still remember that in one of my anxiety attacks I was caught of crying because I can feel that my family is not united in our faith and that deep inside me I'm afraid I might not see them to where I will go. I tried so hard to digest and instill in my mind that each has a separate journey and all of us our entitled on our faith choices. From then I learned to let go and put my trust in the Lord. There is nothing wrong with these lessons but through the years I felt alone. A lone warrior of the Lord. As I journey in this called life and I get into trouble of depression there is only one who will come to my rescue.. my knight in the shining armor - The Lord. Though He only let His presence known on my readings, through nature and if I'm really in big trouble there is a person which He will send to let me realize I am not alone. It was always a tug of war and these people whom He sent I understand have their own lives to manage and sometimes there are not there for me. The many opinions and commentary regarding our faith even in same denomination have caused me to just label mine as unconventional since most of the time mine is not among the majority. But only surprise later on that mine is align on the teachings of the Catholic Church. I've attended last night for the first time CLP training for DGL/aDGL. I'm quite surprise why I have not attended before since it will the third time I'll serving as DGL next Sunday. My takeaway though is that we on matters of faith should not be based on opinions but on the truth. And lastly it warmed my heart when I heard that we are in spiritual battle and we as warriors of Christ are together in this battle. I then realize I'm not fighting alone. I appreciated so much the gesture of my housemate to accompany me going home than to go with his original plan. Simply because we are friends. I  then felt that all of these people with me battling with purpose I'm rest assured that I will see them where I will go. Then I got the feeling I want an assurance that my family will be there too.

The Chain Letters

I'm gathering materials for discussion in our household that I felt an affirmation from the Lord. These past few days has been hard on me and though I hide the troubles I'm feeling through my smiles and laughter, I felt that the Lord has spoken this time and He assures me that I know Him very well. As I said I claim that I have unconventional thinking since mostly I'm against with the current practices that the majority is in favor of. For instance is chain letters/messages. I admit when I started praying novena when I was young I also fell into this trap. I often would pick up letter/s on the statue But later I realize why would God punish me if I would not follow to pass the letter. Why would He just simply grant my request. And from that time I stopped passing those. I even got mad one time on my household member when she posted on our whatsapp group a chain message that if not pass something bad will happened. Perhaps I may did it in a wrong way but I simply told her the one she is promoting is not the God that we know who simply love us and would bless us. First He would not scare us just for that piece of message or an assurance that our request is granted. According to the catechism of the Catholic church which I gathered,  chain letters is a sin. It is against the First Commandment. Simply because it promotes divination. Only God knows the future so we should not expect our petitions will be granted just because we passed the letter/message. And another is we are putting our confidence to that piece of letter, a promise that we will be blessed than to hold on to God who love us so much. I then realize if I have the gift of discernment since I can distinguish if it is not God at work on certain instances.. Or perhaps a gift of common sense. 

I am the Lord your God, you shall not have strange gods before Me. CCC 2083-2141

My Apology

As I go to sleep tonight I realize that if my parents will read my blog, this will truly break their heart. Though my real intention is just to write down my life lessons. I'm not perfect and I do struggle a lot. I committed so many mistakes and I tend to be emotional and over react. I love my parents, my friends and even everyone. But I'm also human and I can feel pain, frustrations and anger. I know some are too personal to write down. Unlike before I was diagnosed to have depression, I have now friends who readily listen. Yet I find it not enough perhaps with their different response. I admit I have unconventional views most of the time. I find complete relief by writing what inside my mind and heart. I know my grammar is poor  but I just love to write. Perhaps online journal is not a good idea. I really don't know if I only brought shame to my family by all the things I have written here. But this is me. I hope that my love ones will understand I need this. To people who are reading this blog I hope you have learned the lessons I am sharing and able also to accept my flaws. I'm still a work in progress. But I won't give up on learning. I'm forever a student.

Brand New Day

I have survived another day and seems the black cloud hovering over my head has left for awhile. Been anxious in the past few days and seems my prayers were not enough. What actually I did was not just surrender to God but just feel the pain then watch it as it go. I'm guilty of denial before. That I should not feel the pain and always just think on how I can be a better person for other people. Yes it is right to think of other people but I neglected myself, my feelings, my right to live, my dignity as a person. That's why claiming those hurts have helped me these years to claim my dignity and to know who I am. Though dwelling on those feelings were negative and seems very destructive but surpassing that stage is like breathing fresh air and make me appreciate life more.

I have pledge on the grave of my grandmother that I would show my love more to my parents especially to my mother, her daughter. I have this regrets of not really giving my time and affection to my late grandmother and I felt that by just giving back and loving my parents she would be happy. Through the years it has been a struggle for  me since I said before I'm too different from them especially to my mother. But each day as I'm given opportunity to live with them have also given me the chance to be patient and understanding. I learned to just give way and understand their wisdom then also share my own. In times my views are not accepted I just bow down and let it be. It has been never easy and I'm always in tug of war that I always think how should I improve on dealing with them. Always keeping in mind how can I make them happy especially now they are old. This morning I realized that from that simple pledge I became to accept my parents even their flaws. I learned to love them as persons as they are without thinking I'm just doing these for my grandmother. It all started there but establishing relationship with them makes me appreciate them more as my parents and not just people who introduced me to this world.

In the community, the recent hand over have given me bigger task as a household head. Though I still dig deeper in my heart if I have the right to complain that the hand over is not done properly. I know we are friends but I guess a little respect and understanding that the service we are doing also consume our time and effort, and giving your role to somebody because you are also undergoing some struggles and cannot perform, you should also consider the person you will give that role to. I mean our service is not just easy because it involves relationships and leading these people to Christ , that a simple text message is enough for the transition. I even gave an analogy that at work we are oblige to give one month notice if we want to resign yet here I'm not given even a day notice and I'm not paid even. Another is I felt awkward to just announce to the group I'm their new leader in the presence of their past leader. Isn't it the proper way is for her to introduce me to the group? Or should be our immediate superior that will handle the hand over if it would be difficult for her. I still don't know how to draw a line between friendship and etiquette but I guess that's me. I can be your best friend in good times and bad times but I only demand a little consideration. Perhaps the old saying that your real friends don't need these etiquette and they can just barge in to your life and mess around are not applicable to me this time. But the service is not about me.. This concerns people whom we are leading back to the faith. Time is essential to hand over these people because understanding each of their concerns is not easy too. Or perhaps it is just me. But this is my style of leadership. This is my style of giving my service to God. If my philosophy on these are right, I don't know. But these have added to my anxiety though I just breathe out all the negativity and now I'm okay to perform. Holding to the promise that God will help me along the way.